a ghost of you is all that i have left
by Becks Rylynn
Summary: And it goes like this.....Dean, Ruby, Sam and all that you can't leave behind. AU.
1. they dance in circles

_AN: So, there really is no reason for this story. I got the idea, decided to write a quick oneshot and bam! I've banged out nearly a hundred pages, it's a full blown multi chapter and it's nearly finished. Because this story is nearly finished, the updates should come quick. Hopefully, the entire story will be posted within fourteen days because that's when I leave for vacation. Anyways, here we go. Title comes from the song 'A Ghost Of You' by Good Charlotte._

* * *

**Title: **_**a ghost of you is all that i have left  
**_**Summary: **_Dean, Ruby, Sam and all that you can't leave behind. AU.  
_**Pairings: **Dean/Ruby, minor Bobby/Ellen and possible Wincest if you squint.  
**Characters: **Ruby, Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester, Bobby Singer, Ellen Harvelle, OFC (NOT a romantic interest.)  
**Timeline: **Sometime after _Malleus Maleficarum.  
_**Genre:** Angst/Romance  
**Rating:** T for now might change to M later on.  
**Disclaimer:** I do not own Supernatural or any of the characters you recognize. I also do not own the various quotes scattered here and there or the song that is frequently used throughout the story.

* * *

**a ghost of you is all that i have left**

_Written by Becks Rylynn_

* * *

_Chapter One:_

* * *

_**Denise Fleming: **__Fate works in really fucked up ways sometimes.  
__**Preston Meyers:**__ Especially in your case.  
_**-Can't Hardly Wait**

* * *

And it goes like this....

It starts (and this will sound clichéd and eye rolling worthy, but it is the truth) innocently. A little flirting here, a harmless touch of stolen gazes there. It starts (like everything else in their fucked up world) with tolerance. It starts (this might sound like a stupid romance movie, but it is the way it happens and nothing can be done about that) with a kiss.

* * *

She tells him she remembers what it's like to be human and he looks away.

He tries to hate her like he should, tries so hard, but his brain is foggy and there's ringing in his ears and he doesn't remember how. And he thinks, for just a moment, that maybe he'd like to be like her someday. The fires of hell will break him down into nothing and he'll be damned if he turns into just another creature. He wants to _remember_.

He tries not to show the fear but she sees right through and she breathes.

She tries to hate him like she knows she's supposed to, but his eyes haunt her in the darkness, like emerald knives that pierce right through her, begging her to help him and she can't remember how. And she thinks, maybe it would be nice to save him.

That is the night it all changes, that is the night the script is written for them, no matter what they do, they cannot change the course of events that will bring them together and tear them apart. It's fate.

And everyone knows you can't fight fate.

* * *

During the day, she does what she's supposed to. She follows _Sam_, watches _Sam_, fights for _Sam_.

But when the sun sets and the darkness comes, she sets her icy blue gaze on a different Winchester. She watches from the shadows of motel rooms as he sleeps, as if she's making sure he won't slip away in his sleep. It's an odd thing to do. Because she is adamant that she does not give a damn about the elder Winchester. But every night like clockwork, she slips into the room, slides to the ground and watches him sleep.

And she thinks he does not notice. Until _someone_ starts leaving the door unlocked for her.

Whenever she is in the room, he becomes strangely silent and maybe Sam asks, but Dean doesn't tell. It's not important.

At night, he tries hard not to fall asleep because he thinks if he can just stay awake and wait for her, the words he's searching for will come. It never works. Touches become instinctive (arms wrap around her waist when she takes a beating one night and stumbles when she stands, her soft fingers graze a cut above his eyebrow) and awkward, eye contact lasts a little too long, the smiles are just a little too sad....and the longing always lingers for days.

Faced with an attraction he doesn't want, he looks away. He always looks away.

Faced with feelings she shouldn't have, she breathes. She always breathes.

They dance in circles.

* * *

He wakes one night, to darkness and an empty room that feels too loud. He doesn't know where Sam is, doesn't really want to know, but....at the realization that she is not there, panic surges through him and his movements are clumsy and awkward as he pulls on wrinkled clothes and....

...and he thinks it's strange to be becoming so attached to a demon.

But when he thinks about it, when he _really_ thinks about it, he knows (he knowsknows_knows_) that it's not strange at all.

He stumbles when he steps into the darkness and he wonders for a second, if he even works without her. It's a frightening thought, but it sloshes around up there until he sees her silhouetted against the moonlight. Her back is to him and her arms are crossed as she stares up at the big, big, bright, bright moon in the sky. And he's so preoccupied with her; he doesn't even notice that the Impala is missing from the parking lot.

When he steps up beside her without uttering a word, she doesn't even seem surprised. She knew he would come.

They stand in silence that lasts too long and waves of longing come crashing down upon them when their arms brush. He closes his eyes and sucks in a breath. She shudders and swallows hard.

''It's pretty,'' she says after _always_ has passed between them.

He looks at her closely, ''The moon?''

''The night,'' she whispers, sounding unusually out of breath. ''The shadows.''

He doesn't say anything for a long time, not sure what to say anyways. And it gets too loud, the silence, after minutes go by. So he says something, soft and quiet. ''I don't like what you're doing to me.''

She looks at him, smiles a tired smile and says, ''Join the club.''

He looks away now, and she breathes, and they linger in silence. And then, she looks at him and he sees the craving he feels mirrored in her eyes so he says her name just to say her name. ''Ruby....''

She makes a noise between a sigh and a whimper and he moves closer, bringing a hand to her cheek.

''I don't want to, Dean,'' she says, even as she leans closer.

Those green eyes stare into her as he forces himself to take a breath. ''Yes, you do.''

She doesn't argue. His lips meet hers and the stars explode. It's strange, because it's soft and gentle and that just seems odd and out of character for them. After all, he is a rough and dangerous hunter and she is a cold and hard demon and they're not supposed to be warm and soft. They're supposed to be explosive.

Her fingers curl tight around his jacket and his hands go around her waist, tugging her closer. The kiss is long and rushes of red hot desire jolt through both of them, but they pull away anyways, breathing heavily, foreheads touching just to touch. ''Was that...'' He pauses and clears his throat. ''Was that okay?''

She smiles softly and manages a jerky nod. ''Mmmhmmm.''

It's not like they planned this, it's not like they even wanted it to happen, but....they can't change it now, the wanting is too strong to ignore, the chemistry is there and they feel in the darkness. So really, that's all that should matter.

''Are you afraid of me?'' He asks in a whisper.

She takes a step away and nods, trying hard not to think. ''Yes.''

''Good,'' he murmurs. ''Because I'm afraid of you.''

And he does not look away, he keeps his eyes on her, and she doesn't breathe, she holds her breath. Their eyes meet.

(And they're not ashamed to admit they end up in between the cheap motel sheets that night because that's who they are, and they offer no apologies.)

* * *

_**Noah Calhoun: **__Would you just stay with me?  
__**Allie Hamilton:**__ Stay with you? What for? Look at us, we're already fightin'.  
__**Noah Calhoun:**__ Well that's what we do, we fight....You tell me when I am being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you are being a pain in the ass. Which you are 99% of the time. I'm not afraid to hurt your feelings. You have like a 2 second rebound rate, then you're back doing the next pain-in-the-ass thing.  
_**-The Notebook**

* * *

And it goes like this....

They don't hide it, but they don't wave it in people's faces. They know Sam knows but he pretends he doesn't and they pretend they don't notice. And time ticks away loudly as a year passes by quickly. They tell themselves they're not falling but they know that's a lie.

He saves her once when a hunter accidentally sees her black eyes and refuses to believe everything she tells him, trapping her under symbols and splashing her with holy water. He bursts through the door just as the Latin starts and throws himself into the hunter who thinks he's saving the world. He breaks the Devil's Trap and tells her to go, get out; he'll take care of it.

He comes home battered and bruised and limping and Sam asks.

Dean tells him he got into a bar fight. She closes her eyes and sighs.

She saves him once, when he's about to become a human sacrifice. He's tied to a chair and his stupid asinine comments are about to get him slaughtered when she comes in, calmly and kills each and every one of the demigods carefully. In the end, he's fine and she's fine but boy is she ever pissed. She yells, pacing back and forth, cursing him over and over.

To get her to shut up, he roughly slams her against the wall and kisses her senseless.

Sam comes in, sees them, and sighs, shaking his head.

They're not in love. They tell themselves they never will be.

That's a lie.

* * *

Laying in bed one night, her index finger drawing patterns on his bare chest, she sings to him.

_''Stars shining bright above you, night breezes seem to whisper, ''I love you''; birds singin' in the sycamore tree; dream a little dream of me....'' _His arms tighten around her and she swallows because the embrace feels like grief and she knows soon, this will come to an end. _''Say ''nighty-night'' and kiss me, just hold me tight and tell me you'll miss me; while I'm alone and blue as can be, dream a little dream of me.''_

He closes his eyes and smiles because he feels all right with her. And he almost says ''I'm going to miss you'' but he doesn't. So he sings with her instead. _''Stars fading, but I linger on, dear, still craving your kiss; I'm longing to linger till dawn, dear, just saying this....''_

The words are tinged with mourning and it's all disappearing in front of them as the clock ticks, but they pretend it's all okay. _''Sweet dreams till sun beams find you, sweet dreams that leave our worries behind you; but in your dreams, whatever they be, dream a little dream of me....''_

* * *

She wakes up one night and finds she's on a hard floor and she's covered in blood that is not hers.

Her head is fuzzy and her stomach twists inside of her, but she swallows the bile that rises in her throat. And she tries to remember how she got here and why she's covered in blood, but try as she might; she has no idea what has happened. There's crying in her ears, sobs of pain and despair and she groans and rolls over. Her icy blue eyes move up until she sees Sam, blood staining his hands and face, rocking back and forth, crying his eyes out with a body in his arms.

It takes a second for her to realize who the body is (was) because it's so horribly mangled and broken but then she finds she can't hear the tick, tick, tick of time passing anymore, there's a silver ring glinting and green eyes are wide open and unseeing.

She remembers.

The memories come in flashes, Dean, Sam, Lilith.

_Lilith._

She did this, she took her away.

That _bitch._

She couldn't even let her say goodbye.

She says his name in a choked whisper and when he doesn't respond, she says it again and again and again. Sam's borderline catatonic, so he barely sends her a glance, but he does clutch his brother tighter. She says his name one last time and fully expects the tears to come, but they don't. She desperately wants to cry, but she's not sure she remembers how.

And the door crashes open and Bobby and Ellen fall through the door, shouting for Dean, their faces alight with hope that he will answer back with twinkling green eyes and his careless smirk. Upon seeing the savagely torn body of Dean Winchester, Ellen lets out an anguished cry and Bobby grows pale like a ghost. The moments pass in grieving silence and then Bobby slowly leans down to close vacant eyes.

Ellen's trying her hardest to comfort Sam (''it'll be all right, honey, it's going to be okay.'') and Bobby's trying to get the bloodstained boy to let go of his brother (''you have to let go now, son, you have to.'') and she simply fades to the background, being pushed out of the way and forgotten about.

She smells death in the air as she backs against the wall and slides to the ground, tastes blood and sulfur in her mouth and feels nausea rising. And now it's over. This is the way it ended and the only thing she can think about is how she didn't even get to say goodbye. Not that she _loved_ him or anything, because she didn't.

She _doesn't._

Eventually, she snaps out of it and returns to the living (isn't that a poor choice of words?) deciding she's the one that needs to take charge. Mainly because no one else is in shape to do it and the one person who could take control of any situation is currently half past dead on the floor. Taking a breath, she steps forwards and puts her hand on Bobby's shoulder. He turns sharply, eyes narrowing slightly. He opens his mouth to speak, and she's sure he means to say something but she's also sure the look in her eyes is what shuts him up. She meets his eyes, tilts her head to the side, and doesn't say a word. And Bobby steps aside, pulling Ellen with him.

Sam doesn't look up when she crouches in front of him, but he speaks through cries. ''I won't leave him. I can't.''

She swallows and brings a hand to his face. There's a body in between them, it's broken and bleeding and it is the one thing they both would have died for. Now, neither one of them can remember how to move on without him. In the distance, outside, the sun brings a new day. ''Sam,'' she whispers. ''No one is asking you to leave him, but...we need to get him cleaned up so we can...so we can take care of him. You want him to be taken care of, right?'' Sam looks up at her through bloodshot eyes and she cringes, hoping he cannot see right through her and know she's lying. ''Come on, kiddo,'' she whispers. ''You're a mess, he wouldn't want this, you know he wouldn't.''

And all the resolve in Sam Winchester's bones dissolves and when he falls into her arms, she holds on tight because she knows what she has to do now. Pick up where Dean left off.

Take care of Sammy.

* * *

The arrangements have been made, the makeshift funeral will be held tomorrow, and the grieving process has officially begun.

None of them can bear the thought of burning his bones (actually, the truth is when Bobby suggested it, whispering that they didn't want him to come back, now did they, she threw him into a wall and snarled, ''Let him come.'') so instead he's been stitched up and his body is now resting comfortably on a soft mattress (and she has to wonder; is that the same mattress Sam's lifeless body lay on a year ago?).

Much like Sam's refusal to leave Dean, she refuses to leave Sam. When he cries, she holds him, when he screams, she listens close, when he loses it completely and starts to throw things, yelling and screaming because ''goddamn it, Dean, how could you be so selfish?!'' she locks Bobby and Ellen out and doesn't fight back when his fists come down on her because she's all he has.

But when she's sure he's sleeping, when she's sure the house is silent, she slips out of the room.

Bobby and Ellen, she notice, are asleep on the couch, his arm curled around her, her head on his shoulder and she arches an eyebrow and smirks, but she won't say anything. Hey, more power to them...or, you know, whatever.

She's silent like smoke as she moves through the house and into the room holding all that is left of Dean Winchester. It's morbid and creepy and depressing but hey, she's a demon, morbid and depressing doesn't really bother her. At first her plan was just to see him, but now she knows she needs a little more than that. Swallowing, she reaches out and takes his hand finding it's already cold. The silence doesn't last long; she feels the words bubbling in her throat. ''You know, Dean....'' And she can't help but smile a little because the memories that are bombarding her now aren't all that sad.

''I never told you this but....I was always so...impressed by you. You were always so calm and you always had this look in your eyes, like you were smiling even when you weren't. And maybe I was a little jealous of that. I mean, you were smiling and laughing even in your darkest hour, how could I not be jealous of that? I'm sure a lot of people were.'' She pauses and bites down on her lip, blinking because she is determined not to cry. Drawing her hand back, she wraps her arms around herself and her gaze grows lost as she stares down at the body. ''I...I care about you, Dean Winchester. I don't think I ever told you that.''

She can't say anymore, so she sighs and quietly climbs into the bed next to him, like she has done so many times before. And to be honest, she's a little surprised. She thought for sure it would be Sam to curl up beside the body growing cold and press his lips to cold ones. If she closes her eyes and plays pretend, she can imagine he's only sleeping. But he's too cold and too still and eventually she gives up the games of pretend and buries her face in the crook of his neck.

And she does not cry.

Not one tear.

She sings.

_''While I'm alone and blue as can be...''_ And she thinks she might hear him singing with her. _''...Dream a little dream of me.''_

But she decides that's just her imagination.

* * *

The next day after the funeral, she presents Sam with his brother's amulet. Gently, she places it over his head, touches his face gently and smiles sadly.

He frowns and looks closely. ''So, what? Are you going to play big sister now?''

She rolls her eyes and flips her blond hair over her shoulder like an expert. Moment over. ''I want the jacket.''

''Dean's jacket?''

''No, Sam, I want Leonardo DiCaprio's jacket. Yes, Dean's.''

''How do you know who Leonardo DiCaprio is?''

''Are you going to give me the jacket or not?''

''Why?''

She shrugs, ''Keeps me warm.''

''It's May.''

''Not that kind of warm.''

Sam doesn't ask any more questions and gives her the jacket.

* * *

_**Bonnie: **__Don't let it end this way.  
__**Brian Flanagan: **__All things end badly, or else they wouldn't end.  
_**-Cocktail**

* * *

And it goes like this....

It takes her a month to break, shatter and fall apart. It takes a month for the tears to finally escape. Why? Well, that's simple.

A month after that night, she finds the smell of french fries makes her sick, she's having the strangest cravings, and her jeans won't button. And all she can think is _I should have known fucking a Winchester would have consequences._

Stupid freaking Dean Winchester and his irresistible smirk and green eyes.

* * *

_''Stress is when you wake up screaming and realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.''  
_**-Anonymous**

**end chapter one**


	2. it happens in early December

_AN: Well, what is there to say, really? Here's chapter two and I hope everyone enjoys it. Now, I do feel the need to point out the fact that I do in fact have spell check and I edit my stories very carefully but I am un-beta-ed and there are typos that slip through the cracks. So, if there are any, I am deeply sorry and just ignore them._

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Supernatural, I do not own the song _'Dream a Little Dream of Me' _and I do not own the quotes in this story. I do, however, own a gazillion pairs of shoes so I'm pretty happy with my life.

* * *

**a ghost of you is all that i have left**

_Written by Becks Rylynn_

* * *

_Chapter Two:_

* * *

_**Forrest Gump:**__ ''Mama always said life was like a box of chocolates, never know what you're gonna get.''  
_**-Forrest Gump**

* * *

She finds Sam in a bar, but that's really not surprising. All he ever does is drink. The boy is developing a drinking problem, she might have to throw an intervention (and wouldn't that go over well).

Confident smirk in place (confident _lie_ in place) she slides onto the barstool next to him and leans in close. ''Howdy, Sam.''

He looks over at her, arches an eyebrow, and then goes back to drowning his sorrows with his new best friend Jack Daniels. ''Don't know why you wanted that jacket, Ruby, you never wear it.''

She rolls her eyes (he'll never know that she does in fact wear it every single day. at night. when the longing and loneliness get to her as she sleeps in an empty bed). ''Good to see you too, _kid_. Is it me or have the greetings gotten a little _iffy_?''

And he doesn't think she sees the tiniest of smiles that he cracks, but she does and hey-at least she's doing one thing right. He licks his lips and turns to look at her again, this time for longer. Like he's studying her new disheveled and not at all put together look. ''Buy you a drink?''

The smirk fades from her face and she looks down, hands falling to her stomach. Would you look at that, there's even a tiny little bump there. Guess being three months pregnant will do that to you. ''I can't drink,'' she says softly and hopes that will be all she has to say.

No such luck.

Sam frowns in confusion and sends her a sideways glance. ''Why not?''

She shrugs, ''Because.''

''Because why?''

She lets out a long breath and turns her body towards him, pursing her lips. ''Because...'' She looks down and thinks for a moment, before she looks up at him again and tries to steady her gaze. ''Because I'm pregnant, Sam.''

She watches about a thousand emotions swirl before he finally settles on anger. ''Boy,'' he shakes his head, takes a swig of his drink, and lets a bitter smirk play across his lips. ''Sure doesn't take you long, does it, honey?''

And she snaps and breaks apart. Snarling, she lunges and the next thing he knows; he's on the ground, blood in his mouth. ''It's Dean's, you dumb fuck. I'm not a whore.''

He spits out the blood, rises to his feet and looks at her like he's studying her. She grows uncomfortable under his scrutiny, but does not waver. Finally, he rakes a hand through hair that is becoming unmanageable and sighs. ''Well....okay then. Let's do this.''

She laughs, but it sounds sharp and bitter. ''Do what? Have a baby? How about _no_.''

He shrugs carelessly. ''Why not?''

She growls and crosses her arms. ''Sam, do you think this is a _joke_?''

''Yes, Ruby,'' he sneers. ''I think it's _hilarious.''_

''Whatever.'' She shakes her head and knows telling him was a mistake. Seriously. She doesn't even know what possessed her to tell him about...._It._ ''I am not having this baby,'' she says fiercely.

This time he's the one who growls, taking a step towards her. It would look pretty dangerous except for the fact that she knows he will never hurt her...again. Especially not now. ''Yes, you are.''

She glares and makes an attempt to meet his eyes, which is a little awkward considering the boy is a freaking giant. And she tries to list all the reasons she can't have this baby; it's not the right time, Dean isn't here, babies cost too much money, and the number one reason on the list: she is fucking terrified. But in the end, the words don't come out and all she does is sigh and say softly, ''I don't even know why I told you, Sam. Clearly it was a mistake.'' She turns to go, prepared to storm out of there in a huff, but she only gets a few steps before he speaks again, with words that stop her heart.

''I'll take it.''

She freezes and turns around slowly, disbelief in her eyes as her hand slowly falls to her stomach once again. And she's sure he has not said what she thinks he has just said because goddamn it what the hell is she supposed to say to that? ''Excuse me?''

His voice borders on desperate as he comes closer, puppy dog eyes pleading with her. ''The baby. I'll take it after it's born. If you don't want to be a mother, you don't have to be. You don't have to raise it, I'll do it.''

Instead of attempting to have this conversation here in a dirty, smoke filled bar, she swallows and forces a fiery glare onto her face. ''You're drunk.'''

''I'm not.''

''Yes, you are! You have to be!'' She stomps her foot for emphasis and then pauses because she can't believe she just _stomped her foot for emphasis._ How annoyingly human. She recovers quickly, taking a step away. ''Because there is no possible way we can be having this conversation right now!''

''Ruby - ''

''You know what?'' Heart beating faster and faster until she fears he can see it beating, she closes her eyes briefly and works to gain back the control his little suggestion has taken away from her. ''I can't do this right now. Talk to me when you're sober, Sam.'' She knows he'll protest, so she turns and walks faster, disappearing into the night and trying to ignore the loud beating of her heart.

* * *

That night, when she curls up on a bed that feels too big and too lonely, wrapped in a dead man's jacket, her arms wrapped around her not-quite-flat stomach, they come. The tears that she has been pushing away for a long while.

At first they're silent, wet drops that trickle down her cheeks. She tries to wipe them away but they just won't stop falling and she knows she can't pretend this isn't happening, can't pretend she isn't breaking, so she gives up and the tears fall faster. The whimpers come next, they start out soft and quite but grow louder and soon she's full on sobbing and she can't remember how to stop.

Because now Dean's gone and he's not coming back, he's burning, somewhere far away where she can't get to him, and now Sam's an alcoholic, a broken, hollow shell of what he used to be, and now she's pregnant and all alone and what the fucking hell is she supposed to do now?

Motherhood never once occurred to her, it wasn't something she wanted, simple as that. Truth be told, she still doesn't want it. And so she cries harder because she knows it doesn't matter if she _wants_ it or not. She's getting it. She is going to be a _mother._

And there isn't anything out there in the big, scary world that could scare her as much as that does.

* * *

The sharp sound of knocking tears her from her slumber and she opens her eyes, head aching from crying herself to sleep, body stiff from the odd position she's slept in. Groaning, she stumbles to her feet and over to the door.

Hard and dark eyes stare back at her when the door opens and where a comforting softness (almost sadness) used to live, there is only pain and bitterness now and it's almost like looking at an entirely different person.

''Go away, Sam,'' she snaps, squinting against the morning sunlight that hits her harshly. ''I'm not feeling great.''

''I don't care,'' he says gruffly as he pushes through the door and into the room without permission. ''We need to talk, Ruby.''

She takes a breath and closes the door, slipping out of Dean's jacket carefully, pretending she's still in perfect control of the situation. She perches on the bed and smirks up at the only Winchester left. ''About what?''

''You _know _what.''

She shrugs innocently, her smirk never wavers. ''There's not much to talk about. I'm pregnant, I'm getting rid of it, end of story.''

''No, you are _not _getting rid of it.'' He glares at her and there's something about the way that he glares at her that she just can't take. Oh, hell no. He can do whatever the hell he wants, but he cannot judge her. She stands and takes a step towards him like she's trying to intimidate him. ''Do you honestly think you can stop me, _Sammy_?''

In two quick strides, he's crossed the room and yanked her roughly towards him. The movement is jerky and rough and baby doesn't like it, because her stomach turns over. ''_Don't_ call me _Sammy_.''

She overpowers him easily and with a simple flick of her wrist, she's twisted his arm backwards and roughly shoved him away. ''Do you think I_ asked _for this, Sam?! Do you think I meant for this to happen?! I don't want this child, what part of that are you not understanding?''

He rises to his feet and she can tell by the look in his eyes that he's trying really hard not to physically fight her. ''Ruby, you are trying my patience.''

''You're damn skippy, Sam!'' She pokes a finger into his chest and glowers at him with eyes that are not quite blue yet not quite black either. ''You can't just barge in here and decide my life for me!''

''But it's not just your life anymore!'' He grabs her wrist in a lock that would be painful if she wasn't so angry. His eyes are boring into hers and his mouth is twisted into a scowl and for a moment, he reminds her so much of his brother that is actually, physically hurts. ''It's the baby's life too,'' he says and his voice is suddenly calm and Sam like once again. ''I know this may not have been planned, Ruby, but I can't let you kill it. I _won't._ It's all that I have left of him.''

Suddenly, his eyes don't look hard, but devastated and broken and his words are soft and gentle and it's like looking at _Sam_ again and not just what he's become. ''Please, Ruby, _please_ don't take it away from me.''

She swallows and tugs her arm out of his grip, turning away from him and sitting gingerly on the bed. Her mind is working a mile a minute and her fingers are picking at Dean's jacket laid out on the bed as she thinks long and hard. Finally, she looks up and sees in his eyes that he doesn't just _want _this, he _needs_ it. And she tries not to show her fear, but finds it's impossible. ''Did you mean it? What you said...about taking the baby?''

He pauses, she holds her breath.

He nods. ''I did. If you don't want to be a mother, I can take the baby.''

It would be ridiculous to answer now, to not think it over, but....really....what is there to think about? Slowly, she looks up and meets his eyes, her blue eyes seeming to beg for a little comfort. ''I don't think...I would be good at it. Being a mother. I think I would probably screw the kid up.''

Sam doesn't say anything and she places a hand on her stomach. Another moment goes by in silence and then she speaks, voice hoarse and thick with an anxiety she doesn't want to have. ''Okay.''

She watches Sam's eyes light up and thinks under different circumstances, it would be adorable. ''Really?''

She nods. ''I'll have the baby. But then I'm giving it to you.''

He doesn't comment on that, simply moves forwards and gathers her into strong arms (and if she closes her eyes she can imagine it's a different Winchester holding her) and whispers into her hair ''thank you''.

And she holds on tighter, because she feels tears in her eyes and she doesn't want him to see.

* * *

The months pass in blurs, they pass in morning sickness, (''Are you sure you're feeling okay?'' ''No! I'm feeling like I really hate your stupid ass brother and his sperm!'' ''Ew! Can we please not talk about my brother and his...sperm? That's highly disturbing.'' ''Oh, grow a pair, Sam.'') and cravings (''Sam! I need you to go get me ice cream.'' ''Ruby, its 3:30 in the morning.'' ''Yes, it is. I'm very impressed that you can tell time.'' ''I'm sleeping.'' ''Do I look...like I care?'') and hormones (''Your boobs are huge.'' ''Well, stop lookin' at 'em.'' ''....'' ''Sam!'' ''Sorry!'' ''If you can't get a hold of yourself I'm afraid I'm going to have to kill you.'' ''You're a mean pregnant lady.'' ''Oh, shut up.'') and she finds she really,_ really _dislikes being pregnant.

Sam takes good care of her (which is odd. isn't_ she _supposed to be the one taking care of _him_?) and develops a strange fascination with watching her stomach grow.

All she wants is for this to be over so she can lose the baby weight and go back to the way it was before. I mean, sure, when the baby first kicked she might have smiled and maybe (_maybe_) when she saw it on the ultrasound machine she felt a few tears in her eyes....only a few. But she does not, under no circumstances, care about this thing.

She doesn't.

It won't be her baby for long, no reason to get attached. Yes, that's what she tells herself. But is that what's in her heart?

As the months go by, both she and Sam find it easier to talk about Dean.

''You know,'' Sam says one night and she looks up from the magazine draped across her stomach. ''Dean....he would have been an amazing father.''

Her breath catches and she swallows.

''With a little girl, he would have made sure she was a daddy's girl and a boy never would have made it past him.'' Sam laughs, she smiles sadly. ''And a little boy....he would have been the coolest dad out there. He would have taught his little boy everything he knows, would have cheered him on with anything the boy did. He wouldn't have been anything like our father.''

She looks down at her distended belly and strokes it softly, shifting when the baby kicks. ''How do you know?''

Sam smiles, but it's wistful and sad. ''Because he was the best father I ever had.''

A lump grows in her throat as she works hard to have a non reaction. Slowly, she swings her legs over the side of the bed and stands (with some difficulty) making her way over to him. Gently, she brushes a strand of shaggy dark hair from his face in a movement that can only be described as 'motherly' and she smiles. ''I believe you.''

* * *

As her due date approaches, she grows more uncomfortable and pained and moody.....more so than usual. And Sam grows more and more nervous about becoming a full time parent. She starts to worry about what will happen if he doesn't take the baby.

''Sam Winchester,'' she barks one day when he grimaces at the mention of the upcoming birth. ''If you think I'm going to change my mind about giving this kid up, you're wrong. _I don't want it_.''

And maybe it's just her overactive imagination, but she thinks it takes him just a little _too long_ to answer, ''I know.''

She knows Dean is gone, she _knows_ that. She knows he's in hell, burning and screaming (and let's not go there, okay?) but...sometimes, late at night, she swears she feels ghostly arms around her and hears singing in her ears.

_''Say ''nighty-night'' and kiss me, just hold me tight and tell me you'll miss me....''_

It's just her imagination, the logical part of her knows that, but she still always sings with him. _''While I'm alone and blue as can be, dream a little dream of me....''_

* * *

It happens in early December, as snow falls from the heavens, landing silently on the earth.

She goes into labor.

But it's too early (she's not due for another month) and there's fear in her veins like ice and she knows as soon as the baby is out, she'll have to leave. That's what she wants, of course it is. It's just....she didn't think it would be this hard. It wasn't _supposed_ to be this hard.

So she doesn't tell Sam.

At first.

Then her plan to suffer in silence is blown out the window when the contractions start getting _really _painful. One hits while she's in bed, laying in the darkness, gritting her teeth against every wave of discomfort, and this one is the worst yet and the moans and whimpers she has been working hard to conceal finally escape.

The light blinks on instantly and Sam sits upright in the other bed, looking at her through blurry eyes. ''Ruby?''

She squeezes her eyes shut and tries to breathe.

At the sight of her rigid posture and pain filled grimace, Sam is on his feet in a second. And he's so calm and in control as he gently moves a hand to her back. ''Ruby, are you in labor?''

Still firmly in the land of denial, she shakes her head and tries to curl up into a ball like she believes it will lessen the pain. ''No,'' she manages through gasps when the contraction finally passes. ''No, I can't be. It's too early.'' She gazes up at him and by the look on his face she knows what he can see in her eyes. Fear. And the fact that she is actually _scared_ only scares her more. ''It's too early, Sam.''

Sam is all control as he helps her to her feet and assures her that it will all be okay. It's then that she realizes she had been expecting panic, fear, cursing and pacing from Sam because that is what_ Dean _would have done.

When she realizes that Dean Winchester still is (and probably always will be) on her mind, she closes her eyes, breathes and imagines he's there, looking away.

Like before.

* * *

It takes too long.

This whole giving birth thing - it takes too long. Eleven hours to be exact. Eleven hours of torture and pain before this thing is finally ready to come out.

''It does what it wants, when it wants,'' Sam mutters from her bedside. ''Just like its parents.''

Near the end it gets bad, really bad. There's crying and moaning (and at one point there's the whole 'throwing Sam across the room' thing) and there's more screams of ''I want Dean!'' then she'd like to admit. But finally, after eleven hours of cursing Dean Winchester to the fiery depths of hell (oh, wait a minute...) it's time.

''All right, Ruby,'' the doctor announces, his big booming voice holding way too much cheer. Way more then she can handle at this particular moment in time. ''One more big push and your baby will be here.''

She groans and wants nothing more than to fall back on the bed and forget the whole thing. She's tired and sweaty and panting and in an unbelievable amount of pain and she's pretty sure this is the most _humiliating_ moment of her life (well, this life anyways, don't even get her started on who she was before the black eyes) and for what? A _baby_? A baby she doesn't even want, no less.

Weakly, she shakes her head and turns her eyes, which are quickly welling up with tears, to the Winchester by her side. ''Sam...I can't...I can't do this...I _need_ Dean....'' Her voice breaks and the tears she had been so adamant to never let him see finally escape her eyes. ''He should...He should be here....this is _his_ baby.'' She doesn't even realize she's actually said those words out loud because she's disoriented and tired and hurting.

Sam swallows and the pain in his eyes shines bright for her to see. He strokes her hair gently and she knows he's trying hard to be all she needs, but she also knows he's fully aware that he'll never be able to replace his brother.

''Come on, Ruby, you can do this.''

''I can't.''

''You _have_ to.''

''I don't want to,'' she whimpers, her tired body collapsing back against the bed that feels softer than it actually is.

Sam sighs and this time his touch isn't so gentle, but firm, yet still kind, as he loops an arm around her waist and pulls her into a sitting position. ''Look, do you want this to be over or not?''

And that's what does it, that's what makes her strength return with a whoosh. Because there is nothing in the world she wants more than for this to be over. Finally over. She's no good at being pregnant, she's sure she won't be good at being a mother either, but Sam, she knows, will take good care of this baby. Because it'll be the last piece of Dean out there. So, she grips Sam's hand, grits her teeth and with one last agonizing cry, she pushes until she hears the crying of an infant mixing with her own.

''It's a girl!''

The words filter through the room, but she can barely hear them over her cries of letting go.

* * *

_''The hardest part is what to leave behind....''  
_**-Winnie the Pooh**

* * *

And it goes like this....

The doctors and nurses don't understand why this new mother doesn't want to see her baby girl. But she just can't have this be any harder than it already is.

In her head, she calculates how long it will take her to lose the baby weight, she packs and unpacks (and then packs again) and she tries not to think about the new baby. All she wants to do is find some way to forget, some way to move on.

Until Sam shows up in her room with a small pink bundle in his arms. Her breath disappears and she takes a few stumbling steps backwards, shaking her head. ''N-No, Sam, no.'' Panic, she finds, is a very debilitating emotion. It rises in you and grips you tight, an icy hand around your heart, dragging you down. ''You said...You said you would take it.'' She cries, hysteria beginning to bubble inside. ''You said - ''

''Ruby,'' he hisses, tossing her a glare when the baby stirs in his arms. ''I know what I said. I just thought....maybe you'd like to see her.''

''Well,'' she sneers and crosses her arms, taking a few more steps backwards. ''You thought wrong.''

He sighs, ''Ruby, please...''

''No.'' She turns away so she won't have to stare at the tiny pink bundle and tells herself it doesn't hurt. ''I can't, Sam. I _won't._''

''You just have to hold her for a minute.''

''Sam, I said _no_!''

The yell awakens Baby Girl Winchester from her slumber and she lets out a wail, letting both adults in the room know she's inherited the Winchester lungs. Eyes focused out the window, she swallows and resists the instinct in her bones telling her to _protect_. Sam shushes the baby, rocking her gently and she quiets, her wails dying down to whimpers and then silencing all together.

''You know.'' He speaks softly and hesitantly, like she's some kind of frightened little deer who will run if she gets too close. ''She has your eyes.''

''All babies have blue eyes when they're born,'' she says coldly.

''She's different.''

''I don't want it.'' Her voice sounds harsh, even to her own ears, and she tries her hardest not to turn around.

''Will you at least name her?'' He pleads. ''You're her mother. Couldn't you just do _one thing_ for this little girl?''

''I gave her life,'' she snaps, turning around. ''Isn't that enough?'' And she realizes too late that she should not have turned around. Because Sam is closer than she thought (damn those Winchester stealth genes) and now she's looking right at a newborn with shocking blue eyes. _Her_ baby. She's beautiful, she can't deny that. The most beautiful little girl in the world, a perfect mixture of her mommy and her daddy. With blond hair and blue eyes and her daddy's mouth and she has that glint in her eyes that used to live in her father's irises.

There is no mistaking that she is the child of Dean Winchester and Ruby.

And she knows she shouldn't, but with her gaze transfixed on the newborn, she can't help but whisper her daughter's name. ''Lila Bray.'' She swallows and raises her eyes to Sam. ''Her name...its Lila Bray....is that okay?''

He smiles and it reaches his eyes and it looks a little like hope. ''Lila Bray Winchester. I think...I think it sounds perfect.''

* * *

_''The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new.''  
_**-Rajneesh**

**end chapter two**

* * *

**AN: Wow. My first pregnancy story that focuses on the actual pregnancy and has a birth scene. Hope it was okay, I spent enough time researching so it better be damn well okay. You do NOT want to know what researching pregnancy and birth requires.....there were pictures. *shudders* Now, I understand how some people are a little squicked by pregnancy and birth (personally, I don't get it) so if this offended anyone, I'm sorry. But you should know this is a dark story and if you're squicked by pregnancy you're probably going to be squicked by other things that are about to happen. I'm going to shut up now before this AN gets annoying....**

**....Too late.**


	3. someone who is only in her head

_AN: Yay, new chapter! This chapter promises good stuff so don't forget to review._

**Disclaimer:** As usual, I don't own SPN, 'Dream a Little Dream of Me' or any of the quotes.

* * *

**a ghost of you is all that i have left**

_Written by Becks Rylynn_

* * *

_Chapter Three:_

* * *

_''The most terrible poverty is loneliness, and the feeling of being unloved.''  
_**-Mother Teresa**

* * *

She spends three weeks trying to outrun the loneliness. She spends three weeks bathing in the blood of every demon that she comes across, the demon body count grows higher and higher, she drinks (just because she can) and at night, everything she has done haunts her until she has to lie very still in whatever motel bed she's in and wait for the longing to pass.

She does not cry, although she almost wishes she could and she tries to cope with being all alone again.

Because there's no Sam with her anymore, no baby inside of her and her imagination can't even conjure up their lullaby at night. She knows she can't be a mother, but....she doesn't think she can just be _not a mother_ either. It's a curse, she decides, this loneliness, this emptiness inside of her. It's a curse, a spell; someone is doing something to her. Because she just _should not _care about that child anymore.

It's Sam's problem now, not hers. But the thoughts still keep her up at night. Is he taking good care of her? Feeding her properly? He's not going to make the same mistakes his father made, is he? Is everything going to be all right financially? Is he getting a job? _Is she happy?_

She decides she hates caring and buries her face in pillow to stifle the screams.

All this time, she had been so worried she wouldn't be a good mother. She gave up her baby so she didn't have to be one. All it did was turn her into this. A mother without a baby.

And that's worse than anything in the world.

* * *

One day, when the sun is bright, even though it's bitterly cold outside, she opens the door and finds herself face to face with a Winchester and a baby.

''Ruby,'' he says, ''I need you to take her.''

She swallows and her vision blurs but she tells herself it's not tears as she blinks it away. ''No.'' Much like she did in the hospital, she stumbles backwards like she's afraid of the tiny, fragile life he holds in his arms and repeats the words she once said. ''Sam, you said you would take it!''

''Her.''

''Whatever!''

He sighs impatiently and shifts Bray in his arms. ''Geez, Ruby, calm down, would you? I don't want you to take her forever. Just for a few hours. I have a hunt.''

Her eyes narrow and she folds her arms across her chest so he won't try and hand the child to her. ''What about Bobby?''

''Do you _really_ think I would be asking you if Bobby could do it? You're my last hope, Ruby.''

When she doesn't say anything, he reacts and before she can speak up to protest, she has a baby in her arms. ''Sam! What are you doing?! I can't....What if I break her?''

Satisfied, he smiles and steps back. ''Ruby, look at you. You're a natural.''

She closes her eyes and tells herself the burning behind her eyes and the lump in her throat are just because she didn't get any sleep last night.

That's all. In the end, he doesn't leave her much choice, but that's hardly a surprise. He knew he would get her to cave eventually. And then, he's out the door and she's left all alone with a baby she's trying so hard to dislike.

* * *

There is no hunt, no demon to kill, nothing to fight. There is only desperation and heartache and the memories of growing up without a mother.

Two hours, he decides as he sits down at a table in a diner a block and a half away. He'll give her two hours and then he'll go back. Maybe this is selfish and cowardly, this little stunt he's pulling, but he can't let Bray end up like him. Like Dean. She shouldn't have to grow up without a mother. She's the new hope; she's the _only _hope that the Winchesters can do one thing right.

Sitting alone, looking aged, tired and broken, Sam Winchester closes his eyes briefly and when he opens them, he finds himself face to face with the ghost that has been haunting his subconscious for what feels like forever.

_''Sammy, is this really safe? Leaving the fragile and helpless infant with the clearly unstable demon?''_

Sam sighs and the muscles in his jaw twitch as he swallows. ''Do you think I'm stupid? I left a baby monitor in the diaper bag.'' As if he's searching for proof and acceptance, he puts the other baby monitor on the table and then abruptly realizes he doesn't need to prove himself to..._this._ ''And by the way,'' he adds on an afterthought as he leans closer to the dead, dark eyes fierce and thick with a need to protect. ''She's not unstable.''

Green eyes glint in amusement as the ghost casually leans back against the booth, grin sliding over his lips. _''Hmm, struck a nerve, did I? Tell me, little brother, are you actually beginning to care about this chick?''_

Sam scowls and fires back with a sharp, ''You did.''

NotDean laughs and shakes his head, the laughter cruel and dark like shadows. _''Do you honestly believe he cared about her? Please, she was just an easy lay. Heavy on the _easy._ Guess all those years in hell made her a bit of a wh - ''_

''Finish that sentence and I swear to God I'll - ''

_''You'll what?''_ NotDean shrugs and licks his lips, darkness creeping into green eyes. And Sam swears this monster is actually hungry for destruction. _''You can't touch me, can't fight me. What exactly are you going to do?''_

Sam looks away and can't find his voice to answer.

_''Now, Sammy...'' _He rests his elbows on the table and leans just a little closer. _''Let's talk about the real reason you gave the brat to mommy dearest.''_

''What are you talking about?''

_''Oh, come on, Sam! I know what you're trying to do here. You think if Ruby accepts that kid as her daughter, she'll fall into your arms and you three can be a happy little family. But, you know,''_ and this is where NotDean sneers a ghostly sneer that sends chills up and down Sam's spine. _''The only Winchester she will ever fuck is dead and buried and that makes you feel sick with envy because you know somewhere deep inside...'' _Sam's subconscious leans closer and closer until Sam feels icy cold breath on his neck. _''She was supposed to be with you.''_

And when Sam shudders and looks away, he doesn't have to see those green eyes to know they're lighting up with glee at the look in the younger man's eyes.

_''Or maybe,''_ NotDean drawls. _''Ruby isn't the one who was supposed to be with you.''_

Sam looks up sharply to glare and yell, but the sound of a baby crying cuts off whatever he was going to say. His eyes slide to the baby monitor as he tries to calm his racing heart. On baited breath, he waits and listens, praying Ruby won't break. There is more crying and muffled words spoken by Ruby that he cannot make out and then the singing starts.

_''Stars shining bright above you, night breezes seem to whisper ''I love you''; birds singin' in the sycamore tree; dream a little dream of me.''_ And he's really not surprised; he used to listen to her sing this song all the time, late at night when she thought he was asleep. _''Say ''nighty-night'' and kiss me, just hold me tight and tell me you'll miss me; while I'm alone and blue as can be, dream a little dream of me....''_

That's not the part that surprises him. What surprises him is when the baby actually quiets down and then the ghost across from him starts singing along. _''Stars fading, but I linger on, dear, still craving your kiss....''_ And suddenly, the green eyes don't look so malicious anymore and he doesn't see NotDean. He only sees Dean. _''I'm longing to linger till dawn, dear, just saying this....''_

* * *

She doesn't care, she doesn't. She can't. That's all she has to tell herself as she sits nervously on a chair, watching the baby sleep soundly in her carrier. _I don't care, I don't._ Gnawing on her thumbnail, she tries to tear her eyes away, but it's too hard and she can't do it.

Every noise she hears sounds a thousand times louder than it should and when the baby stirs, her breath catches and fear shoots through her as she sits, rigid on the uncomfortable chair. But the child does not wake and she lets herself breathe, albeit very quietly.

_''Just relax,''_ he says from behind her as his hands gently massage her shoulders. _''Babies can smell fear.''_

She huffs and crosses her arms. ''You're not helping.'' Closing her eyes, she rubs her forehead (on top of everything, she's getting a headache) and tells herself not to think about how damn perfect that little girl is.

When she opens her eyes, he's standing over the baby, one finger softly trailing down a baby soft cheek.

''Dean,'' she hisses, jumping to her feet. ''What are you doing? You're going to wake her.''

_''Sorry,''_ he murmurs, sending her a slightly damaged looking smile. _''I just....she's pretty.''_

Her eyes soften ever so slightly, but harden almost instantly and she scowls, crossing her arms. ''Don't. I know what you're trying to do and don't.'' Glaring, she turns and sits herself back down in her vacated chair. It's strange, having a conversation with someone who is only in her head, but she figures she's already this far gone, why not go all the way?

He sighs, shaking his head. Careful not to wake the baby, he sits down on the bed, eyes looking the little girl over before he trains his eyes on her and only her. _''Ruby, we have to talk about this.''_

''I don't have to talk to you about anything, you ass,'' she snaps defensively. ''You're dead.''

_''Sweetheart, that's news from the file marked 'Ancient History'. I want to talk about the here and now.''_

And she just knows what he's going to say, what he's going to argue, so she decides to swallow and beat him to it. ''I don't want her, Dean.''

_''Liar.''_ He smirks.

Even though her eyes are dry, she feels the weight press down against her chest and she can't help but let out a few whimpers that sound utterly pathetic as she buries her head in her hands and tries so hard not to _feel._

Instantly, he's on his feet, kneeling in front of her and taking her hands away from her face. _''Ruby...Hey, look at me.''_

She does as she's told because she's not sure what else she can do and her blue eyes meet his green eyes (even after all this time, they still feel like knives that pierce into her) and she steals away whatever comfort he can give her.

_''I know you.'' _He whispers softly and she thinks in the dim light of the motel room, she can see her tears which are quickly filling her eyes, reflected in his. _''And I know that you want her.''_

''No.'' She shakes her head vehemently, blinking away the dreaded tears. ''No, I don't. She means nothing to me.''

His eyes flash and in an instant, he's pulled her off the chair and onto her knees in front of him. _''Of _course_ she means something, Ruby. She means everything. She's our baby, she's our _daughter_.''_

''Dean....'' Her body is trembling now, shaking with nerves and fear and the fact that he is touching her once again. ''I can't. I can't do it, I don't know how.''

_''You'll learn.''_

''Maybe...Maybe if things were different, Dean, maybe if you were here. But you're not and I just can't do this alone.''

_''You won't be alone,''_ he whispers, hands moving to her face as he presses his forehead against hers. _''You'll never be alone, Ruby. You'll have Sam. He'll be...''_ She can see the look in his eyes, sadness and grief like shadows. _''He'll be the best dad in the world.''_

The tears come all at once, spilling down her cheeks as she grips him tighter like he's fading away right in front of her. ''But he's not her dad. You are. You are, Dean.'' Crying and scared (this is oddly reminiscent of when she gave birth, only the pain isn't physical this time) she leans in and kisses him on the lips, though she knows it will end all too soon and all she's really doing is making his inevitable departure more painful. He kisses back with fervor, hands still holding her face, her hands still gripping his jacket.

Pulling away slowly, he sighs, long and weary and closes his eyes. _''Ruby, I grew up without a mother. I grew up trying to pretend that my heart didn't hurt, that the place where she used to be didn't ache and sting. I don't want Lila Bray to grow up feeling like that.''_

She sucks in a breath and the feeling inside that she can't get rid of seems to be exploding.

_''You're scared,''_ he continues. _''I get that. But please just give this a chance. I need you to take care of her.''_

She wants to say no, she wants to leave, she wants to run away as far as possible because the fear is just too much to handle, but she can't. She knows she can't. Before either one of them have a chance to say more, a sharp and shrill sound breaks the silence. A baby crying. Her eyes grow wide with panic and she feels Dean haul her to her feet. ''Dean.'' Her voice is pleading and raw, but he doesn't say anything. ''I can't.''

Suddenly, there's a baby in her arms and she can't remember if she's picked her up or if Dean has placed her in her arms. For a moment, all she can do is hold Bray close and rock her gently, her own sobs escaping her lips as mother and baby cry together. And when she looks up to Dean for guidance he is not there and for a moment, she wonders if he ever really was.

The crying gets louder, little Bray's face grows red and she kicks and punches her tiny hands and feet. If this is supposed to make her feel like she _can_ do this, it is _not _working.

_''Sing to her.''_

She hears his voice whisper, like he's right beside her and the shivers she feels let her know he is she just can't see him. Trying to calm down and get her voice under control, she closes her eyes and takes a few ragged breaths. And then she sings. _''Stars shining bright above you, night breezes seem to whisper ''I love you''; birds singin' in the sycamore tree; dream a little dream of me....'' _Her voice is quiet, but Bray must hear because slowly, her cries turn softer. _''Say ''nighty-night'' and kiss me, just hold me tight and tell me you'll miss me; while I'm alone and blue as can be; dream a little dream of me....'' _Bray silences in her mother's arms and Ruby can't help but let out a small sigh of relief.

Maybe it's just her imagination, just the wind, but she swears she can hear him singing with her. _''Stars fading, but I linger on, dear, still craving your kiss; I'm longing to linger till dawn, dear, just saying this....''_

And when Bray opens her eyes and meets her Mommy's matching icy blue eyes, Ruby tries to stop it but she can't.

Oh. Fuck.

She cares.

* * *

Sam has spent that last two hours worrying about Bray and he's not going to lie; he's worried about Ruby too. She seemed so fragile (of course, they're all a little fragile, now, aren't they?) and lost. He had never seen her like that before...until now.

When he knocks on the door and there is no answer, he feels a little fear (just a little) because....what if NotDean is right? What if she really is unstable? A shaking hand opens the door and he enters the room, eyes floating to the baby asleep on the bed, her mother lying beside her. When he determines Bray is still breathing, he lets out a breath he hadn't known he had been holding and moves forwards. ''Ruby?''

She doesn't answer, on her side, back to him.

Frowning, he goes to the other side of the bed and sees she's not asleep, but there's tears noiselessly streaming down her cheeks as she strokes her daughter's head with movements that are uncharacteristically gentle. ''Ruby,'' he says and because he doesn't know what else to say, he says her name again. ''Ruby....''

She looks up, dull blue eyes staring into his. ''There...'' She clears her throat and shifts, but only slightly. ''There was never a hunt, was there?''

He knows there's no use lying, she'd just see right through him. So he doesn't. Instead, he gingerly sits down on the bed and brings a hand to Bray's soft skin for a brief second. ''No. There was never a hunt.''

She lets out a silent sob and presses two fingers to her lips to keep from making noise. ''I didn't want to, Sam. I tried so hard not to...I did. But I couldn't...she's just...she's...so perfect.'' She's babbling now, barely coherent as she speaks through the tears that seem to be drowning her. ''She's beautiful and perfect and she's mine and...and...'' But that's as far as she gets before she starts to weep even more.

Sam draws in a shaking breath and purses his lips, staring at her intently. Like he's trying to read her. But when his gaze moves down to his niece, the frown disappears and he smiles, just a little. ''You love her,'' he whispers. ''Don't you?''

She cries harder and barely manages to choke out the truth that has been plaguing her for a long, long time.

''Yes.''

* * *

_''You love simply because you cannot help it.''  
_**-Kim Anderson**

**end chapter three**

* * *

**AN: And so there you have it. There's chapter three. She's finally accepted Lila Bray as her daughter. However, if you think this is the end of the drama, you'd be wrong. It's just getting started, folks.**


	4. as the sun brings another day

_AN: I don't have much to say about this chapter, it's got some surprises in it and it was incredibly hard to write. I know it may seem short, but don't worry they'll get longer._

**Disclaimer:** Nope. Still don't own anything.

* * *

**a ghost of you is all that i have left**

_Written by Becks Rylynn_

* * *

_Chapter Four:_

* * *

_''A mother's treasure is her daughter.''  
_**-Catherine Pulsifer**

* * *

And it goes like this....

She _tries_.

She tries with everything in her and more to be everything her daughter will ever need. It's hard and grueling and not at all like they portray it to be in the movies. Mothers and daughters don't pick flowers and bake cookies. That's not the way the real world works. Truth is, sometimes she wishes she had just kept running.

Bray is a very demanding baby and some days she leaves her Mama feeling like she would really love to leave all this behind.

Ruby _wants_ her daughter; she's just not sure she wants_ this_. The days are long and their fingers curl tight around her throat every night, squeezing until she's reduced to a mess of cries and gasping breaths. Financial problems hang over her head and since she can't do anything, Sam gets a job. They move in with Bobby at his insistence and Bray takes to ''Grandpa Bobby'' immediately and he won't admit it, but she's pretty much got him wrapped around her little finger. Ellen Harvelle becomes a regular visitor (although, Ruby has a hunch that has to do more with the looks the woman keeps giving Bobby). She begins to feel increasingly trapped and makes the mistake of voicing her feelings to Sam one night. Soon, everyone knows and Ellen is telling her it's most likely just post partum depression and Bobby's eye is always trained on her when she's with her daughter. She breathes and takes it all without a complaint.

At this point, she's sure the only thing she's living for is her daughter.

And the war may be coming, but these people, broken in all the _wrong_ places, can't seem to bring themselves to care. There is a baby that needs to be raised. The right way.

Lila Bray Winchester will _not _be raised on the hunt.

* * *

During the course of four months, she cries (like, _really_ cries) five times.

The first time comes as the sun is high in the sky and she's sitting on the porch, humming softly to her sleeping daughter.

(It's a rare moment of her feeling like she is doing something right.)

The car pulls up, still sleek and black, and still rumbling like a monster, but hollow and sad somehow. Sam gets out, looking tired and overworked. When he reaches her, she purses her lips and waits for a greeting that never comes. He starts to go for the door, but she reaches out and pulls him onto the seat next to her, giving him a look that makes him sit still and not try to escape.

They sit in silence for a moment and then quirks an eyebrow and draws in a breath. ''Do you think I should take up smoking?''

He blinks. ''What?''

''Smoking.'' She repeats slowly. ''Do you think I should take up smoking?''

''Why would you want to do that?''

She shrugs. ''I think it would look cool.''

Slowly, she watches as small smile crosses over his face and he lets out a small laugh and she can't help but smile widely, leaning over to nudge his shoulder gently. ''Aww, now there's that Sam Winchester smile.''

He sighs and moves his gaze to the sleeping Bray in her arms. ''You know,'' he says. ''You're really good with her. I don't think I've told you that.''

She blushes (and then she winces because she actually _blushed_) and looks at Bray. ''I try.'' There's a moment of silence and then he stands, giving her knee a gentle pat before he turns to the door. Before he can disappear inside, she calls out to him. ''Sam!''

''Yeah?''

She pauses and bites down on her lip briefly. ''It's coming fast, you know.''

His eyes move to the horizon and his eyes turn haunted and lost. ''I know.'' And then he disappears into the house and the door slams shut, louder than necessary. In her arms, Bray awakens with a start and lets out a whimper. Her mama rushes to comfort her, but the baby does not calm.

''No, Bray, please don't start - ''

The small child lets out a wail and then another and another.

'' - Crying.''

The screaming is so loud it echoes throughout the yard. She shifts Bray onto her shoulder, rubbing her back with care and shushing her softly. When Bray finally calms down, Ruby closes her eyes and lets out a breath. She can smell it in the air; the war that is about to come. And the realization that the world may not make it through this war hits her hard. She bites down on her lip again, to keep from crying as the tears quickly fill her eyes.

(She can remember a time when crying was just a distant memory, not something she ever did. Having a baby has changed her.)

If the world does not make it, Lila Bray Winchester will not make it. Suddenly, the sun doesn't seem as bright and the baby's slight whimpers don't sound annoyed, but scared.

And Ruby cries because she can't remember what life means without Bray.

* * *

The second time she cries is when she wakes in the middle of the night to Bray's cries, stumbles into the makeshift nursery, and sees....._them._

She's not sure what has gotten Bray so worked up, maybe she had a nightmare, maybe she's just pissed because she's hungry or needs to be changed, or maybe she just wants attention. Whatever it is, it has turned her baby girl's eyes _black_. They are dark, like the night sky and her face is red as she screams, begging and pleading for her mother to pick her up.

But Ruby is too stunned and lost to move. She feels a hand on the small of her back and feels the concern radiating off of him in waves, but she can barely hear his voice (''Ruby, what's wrong?'') over the pounding of her own heart. Shaking and trembling, she points towards the crib and backs away slowly as if her daughter is some sort of monster.

''Sam,'' she whimpers. ''Her eyes....''

* * *

''What do you mean there's nothing we can do about it?!'' She screams later as she paces the room, her eyes moving back and forth between Bobby and Sam (who has little Bray in his arms, and the baby seems happy now, wide blue eyes darting around the room). ''There has to be something we can do about it!'' Feeling shaky and to be honest, a little sick, she rakes a hand through her hair and turns her eyes to Bobby. ''Please, Bobby, there has to be something, there_ has _to be.''

''Ruby,'' Bobby says carefully.

(Is that concern in his eyes? For her?)

''There is nothing _wrong_ with your daughter.''

''But her eyes....''

''It's in her genes,'' Sam speaks up softly, earning a glare from the distressed mother. He shrugs unapologetically and looks down at Bray. ''It's just part of who she is, Ruby. It makes her _yours._''

As much as she tries to believe, the tears are already coming as she moves her eyes to her daughter. Her baby. ''Oh, god.'' Her voice comes out in a moan, devastation lacing her voice as she realizes that _this is her fault._ Dropping to her knees next to Sam and the baby, she touches her daughter's face and cries. ''I did this...I did this to her.'' Sam and Bobby can only watch as she breaks, crumpling into sobs. ''I'm sorry, baby,'' she murmurs, pressing her lips to Bray's forehead. ''I'm so sorry.''

* * *

The third time she cries, it is not nearly as sad and this time only Bobby and Ellen are there to witness it.

She thinks it might be a Friday, but to be honest, she's stopped keeping track. Bobby and Ellen are...not here...and she doesn't really want to know what they're off doing. Its late afternoon and Sam should be coming home soon. When it happens, she's sitting on the couch reading an old reference book with disgust (is that really hoe demons are portrayed nowadays? don't worry, kiddies, a little Latin and your demon problem will be gone and everything will be a-okay!). Bray squeals happily on the ground, playing with her newest toy, because Sam and Bobby and even Ellen can't help but spoil this little girl. She glances up quickly and then has to do a double take because there she is, her four month old daughter, sitting up all on her own.

This time, the crying is happy and as much as she hates to admit it, she won't lie. She turns into a blubbering fool.

When Bobby and Ellen stumble in (Ruby _does not want to know why _Ellen's hair is mussed) and see Bray sitting up and Ruby crying and praising her daughter they both smile and share a look in the doorway.

Ruby notices them finally and tries to glower but she can't stop smiling. ''I swear, if either of you tell anyone about this...'' Her voice is shaking, but she still sounds happier then she's been in a long time. ''....I won't hesitate to rip you apart.''

Their smiles widen and she's beginning to think they might be growing fond of her.

When she tells Sam and he asks if she cried, Ellen and Bobby look at her, grin and Bobby says, ''Not one drop.''

She smiles back at them and Sam is left feeling like he has missed something.

* * *

The fourth time she cries, it's when she realizes no matter what, no matter how hard she tries, she will never be able to do this right.

It comes as a harsh blow, because she loves her baby and she's trying so hard, but...it just comes to her one day. Sam's at work, Bobby's out ''on business'', which is code for ''he has a date with Ellen'' and it's quiet in the nursery as she rocks Bray to sleep.

And that's when it hits her. Like a lightning bolt. Like a sudden sense of knowing. Like an epiphany.

She is _never going to be enough._ She is never going to be good at this mothering thing. But Dean....Dean could be everything. He could be the best fucking father in the world, he could be alive, he could take care of his little girl like no one else in the world. It really doesn't matter what she does, he will always be better than her.

Sam is worn out, exhausted in every way possible, and she is simply not good at this. But Dean....

And that's when she knows what she has to do.

The sobs come easily, cries of longing and relief and sadness and grief and when the tears fall, they taste like goodbye. Her cries grow louder and the sleeping baby blinks her eyes open, staring up at Mama with confused blue eyes. For a moment, Bray remains calm and quiet, but then as if she can feel her mother's anguish, she starts to cry.

''Oh,'' Ruby clutches her tighter, but doesn't even attempt to stop her crying. ''I'm sorry, baby. I'm sorry.'' She's not apologizing for waking her, or for the black eyes, or because she's scaring her, she's apologizing because of what is to come. The moments are long as mother and daughter cry, the heavy feeling of sorrow in the air. ''I'm sorry,'' she continues to mutter over and over as she holds her baby close.

When both girls' cries die down, the mother looks down at her baby through swollen eyes and smiles a wobbly smile, tracing the tears on baby's cheeks. ''I _do _love you, Lila Bray,'' she assures her, her voice broken and haunting. ''But...'' And she smiles as the calm grows inside of her. ''...But your father will love you more than I _ever_ could.''

* * *

The fifth time she cries, it's that same night and it's only a few tears of remembrance and acceptance.

She waits in the darkness, gravel crunching under her heeled boots as the tears trickle down her cheeks. Its better this way, she knows. There is no hesitance, no fear, because this is right. This is the way it is supposed to be.

She feels evil behind her and takes a deep breath, swallowing hard as she looks at the moon. Briefly, she closes her eyes and smells the cool night air. And then, she wipes away her tears, smiles, and turns around to face the crossroads demon.

* * *

_Sweet dreams till sun beams find you, sweet dreams that leave our worries far behind you...._

As the sun brings another day, as the birds chirp and the darkness gives way to light, in the woods, in a small clearing where there is only a small while cross....

_But in your dreams, whatever they be...._

....A hand shoots up from the earth and a silver ring catches the sunlight.

(Time to go home, Dean Winchester.)

_...Dream a little dream of me...._

* * *

_''Letting go doesn't mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be.''  
_**-Anonymous**

**end chapter four**


	5. the song ends

_AN: I would love to say many things about this chapter; I would like to ramble endlessly. But I won't. I will only say one thing. This chapter comes with a __**tissue warning.**_

**Disclaimer:** Do not own Supernatural, the characters, the quotes or the song. I do, however, own Lila Bray.

* * *

**a ghost of you is all that i have left**

_Written by Becks Rylynn_

* * *

_Chapter Five:_

* * *

_''There's nothing half so pleasant as coming home again.''  
_**-Margaret Elizabeth Sangster**

* * *

And it goes like this.....

The sun is high in the sky and she is only waiting now. She's anxious and the time is ticking away. Her arms are curled tight around her daughter as she sits, absently letting the baby girl play (and by play, she means chew) with a toy rubber block, her blue eyes flicking to the clock every once and awhile. Sam and Bobby don't understand why she's barely let Bray out of her arms all morning, but she understands. She knows why; that's all she needs.

The clock reads 8:05 and she waits, nearly bursting. At exactly 8:15 there is a knock on the door and her heart stops. Her breathing grows shallow and she swallows hard. As if sensing her mother's distress, Bray drops the block and wraps her hands around a lock of Ruby's hair, pulling hard like she's trying to pull her mother's head down to whisper something sacred in her ear.

Ruby smiles weakly and finds herself jolted back to reality when she realizes once Bobby opens that door, he's going to shoot first and ask questions later.

''Oh no....''

* * *

He had not been expecting visitors. Since Bobby Singer did not get many visitors, he is genuinely confused as to who could be on the other side of that door. It'd better not be someone selling something.

However, when he opens the door he does not come face to face with an annoying Avon lady, he comes face to face with long dead, still as cocky as ever with that damn smirk on his face, _Dean Winchester_.

He swears the world has fallen.

The dead boy raises his hand in a half wave. ''Hey, Bobby.''

For a moment, Bobby remains locked in place, eyes soaking up the form of the boy he had once loved like his own son. But then he remembers Ruby and Bray and the fact that this can't possibly be him. He's _dead_. He's _buried._ There is no possible way he is standing there right now.

''Bobby, let me explain.'' The creature that has stolen Dean Winchester's face steps forwards and holds his hands up in a non-threatening manner. Bobby moves back. ''It's me,'' It says. ''It is. You have to believe me.''

''You're lying.''

''I'm not! Look, Bobby - ''

''Dean?''

The voice is thick with all the emotions in the world, the softest whisper and at the sound, both men freeze and turn their gazes to the blonde in the doorway with a baby in her arms.

Ruby watches Dean closely as his eyes travel from her to Bray and she breathes. With the way his eyes flicker with emotions (ranging from shock to anger and anger to something that could easily be mistaken for love) she expects him to say something along the lines of ''holy fuck'' or ''is she mine?'' because Dean Winchester never was and never will be one to beat around the bush.

But all he manages to get out is a soft murmur of her name. ''Ruby...''

And much to her shock, she can see the way his eyes shine in the morning light. She knows he does not have to ask ''is she mine?'' He already knows.

''Ruby, stay back,'' Bobby orders, shakily, but she doesn't listen. She's never been one for orders.

The baby in her arms has this look on her face as she glances between mommy and daddy as if to say_ well blondie, what the hell are you waiting for? Get over there and kiss him already_. Ruby moves slowly and cautiously towards him, like she is afraid he will simply disappear. When he doesn't and she gets closer and closer, she finally allows herself to smile. ''It's him,'' she whispers, as she touches his cheek to make sure he's really there. He breathes like it is the first breath he has breathed in a long, long time and leans into her touch like she is simply all there is in the world. ''It's him.'' She repeats and is surprised to find her voice is shaky and there is wetness on her cheeks.

''We don't know that - ''

''We do.'' She says firmly. ''Can't you see his eyes? _It's him._''

''Ruby....'' With another whisper of her name, Dean snaps out of whatever trance he had been in and looks at her. Really looks at her. And she has to tell herself not to flinch because in all her life he was (_is_, she reminds herself, he's back now) the only one who could ever look at her and see everything she had hidden away in that box beside her heart. She can only hope he doesn't see what she has done.

''Ruby,'' he says her name like it's a prayer and brings both hands to her face. ''I'm alive.''

She laughs lightly. ''Yes, Dean, you're alive.'' And then she kisses him hard on the lips and the stars that have gone to sleep explode. She presses her body into his like she's trying to say _hold me closer_ and his grip on her tightens like he's trying to say _don't let me go._ They've all but forgotten that she is currently holding a baby in her arms. Until said baby decides she does not appreciate being squished and lets out a whimper that has both parents jumping apart.

Breathing slowly, he opens his eyes and moves his eyes from Ruby to the baby. His heart is beating a mile a minute as he looks at her. He sees himself in her, and he knows without a doubt that - ''She's mine,'' he speaks, locking eyes with Ruby. ''Isn't she?''

She smiles and nods, holding their daughter up, pride glimmering in her eyes. ''Dean Winchester, this is your daughter.''

* * *

It's quite the picture; they actually look like a real family. Mommy and Daddy are sitting close together on a blanket sprawled out on the floor as Baby plays with stuffed teddy bears and bunny rabbits and all the things a little girl should have. Every once and awhile Bray will reach for something she can't have and Ruby will act on instinct, pulling her hand back (maybe she's better at this mothering thing then she thought but she still knows Dean will be a better parent than she ever will be, he proves that when Bray goes for a nearby book she should_ not _be reading until she's older and he pulls her back, settling her on his lap like he's been doing it his whole life.)

''Tell me,'' he says, setting Bray down and watching her grab a stuffed bunny rabbit with droopy ears. ''Tell me everything about her.''

Ruby smiles and moves a little closer to him. ''Where do you want me to start?''

He tears his eyes away from his little girl and looks at Ruby. ''Did you know you were pregnant before I died?''

''No. I had no idea until I was about 12 weeks along.''

''How did you find out?''

She laughs and trains her eyes on Bray. ''My jeans wouldn't button.'' She doesn't particularly want to share the story of her 'dark months' but he wants to know, so she'll ignore the sound of the clock ticking time away and tell him. ''I...'' She swallows. ''I was going to get rid of it, Dean.'' She speaks the words like they're sins and she feels his gaze burning into her, but she can't bring herself to look at him. ''I was alone and scared and....you have to understand, Dean, I never wanted a kid. I never wanted _motherhood._ Sometimes I still don't. But....'' She looks up finally, only to find his eyes aren't on her, but their little girl. ''Sam, he wouldn't let me. He begged me actually not to get rid of it. I was still so sure this wasn't what I wanted, so we made a deal. I would have the baby, he would take it, and I would walk away.'' She waits for him to say something, _anything_ really, but he doesn't. She takes a deep breath and continues. ''The pregnancy was all right, not complicated, but not easy. I went into labor a month early in December and Bray was born on the 10th at 10:43 pm. I remember,'' she licks her lips and smiles a little. ''I remember how much it hurt, like I was being split in half. I remember throwing Sam across the room, I remember crying and moaning....there was _a lot_ of moaning. But most of all, I remember needing you....more than anything....I needed you.''

He looks at her slowly and she can see the slight guilt in his eyes. ''I'm sorry I wasn't there.''

She shakes her head. ''Don't be.''

There's a second of silence and then she moves on. ''Anyways, after she was out, I just....I just wanted to wash my hands of all of it. I wanted to move on, to forget all about her. Sam....he made me name her. I named her Lila Bray Winchester. And I wanted to walk away....so badly.''

''You didn't,'' he remarks, bringing a hand to her cheek.

''Yes,'' she whispers with shame and regret in her voice. ''I did.''

He draws his hand back and his eyes move away from her. She feels a small twinge of panic in her chest (he can't be mad at her, she _needs_ him not to be mad at her) but she pushes it away. ''I did walk away, Dean.'' She forces out the words through the lump in her throat. ''I walked away, left her behind and tried to move on. I told myself I didn't care about her, that she was just a thing. I tried to forget, but I....I couldn't. And then Sam brought her back to me one night, told me he needed me to watch her for a few hours and that was all it took. I know a few hours doesn't seem like much....'' She can't help it, she's afraid he's mad at her, she's afraid he'll never forgive her, so she picks up her daughter and clutches her to her chest. ''But it was enough. I mean, I was still scared and apprehensive about the whole being a mother thing, but....she was..._is_....perfect and she's.....she's my little girl.'' She smiles now, but it's soft and has a hint of melancholy. ''She's my baby. She's _our_ baby, Dean. I couldn't pretend she means nothing when she means everything. So, I came back.''

When he doesn't answer and doesn't look at her, she breathes deeply and holds Bray a little closer. ''Are you...Are you mad at me?''

He turns to face her and looks at her for a moment before he leans forwards and captures her lips in his. She kisses back eagerly, remembering just how much she has missed those lips. When he finally pulls away, he smiles and wipes away a fallen tear from her cheek. ''You came back, Ruby, how could I be mad at you for that?'' And he kisses her again.

Bray, (who is currently chewing on the ear of her bunny rabbit) gazes innocently up at her parents. Finally, he pulls away from her, glancing down at the baby. ''You know,'' he clears his throat. ''I'm not sure I feel comfortable doing this in front of Lila Bray.''

Ruby laughs and it's the best damn feeling in the world.

There's a sound behind them, someone clears their throat and they both look up at Bobby. ''Sam's here.'' Two simple words that have them both scrambling to their feet.

''Dean.'' She speaks urgently, lifting Bray into her arms. ''Hold the baby.''

''What? But - ''

''Look, Sam is much less likely to kill you if you have a baby in your arms.'' Despite his protesting, she thrusts the baby into his arms and it _does_ look a little awkward on Dean's part.

At first.

But then she watches his instincts take over and he suddenly looks very comfortable, like he's been waiting for this moment to come his entire life. And that's when she knows that they'll be okay.

''Bobby?''

She watches Dean hold his breath.

Showtime.

* * *

If she could count the best days she's had, she'd be able to count on her fingers. This has been, without a doubt, one of the best days.

While the threat of goodbye hung over her head and the question of how the hell did this happen lingered on everyone else's minds, she got to pretend, if only for one day, that they were a real family. There were tears shed (too many to count) and all day, Bray was passed between her mother and father. But it was _happy._ The best day.

The clock read 6:20 pm now and she knows that Bobby and Sam are not stupid. They saw the want, need, hunger and longing that was clearly displayed on Dean and Ruby's faces. So when they _subtly_ hint that maybe they should spend a few hours elsewhere, Dean and Ruby readily agree. She watches Sam hesitate in the doorway until Dean speaks up with a gentle, ''Don't worry your pretty little head, Sammy, I ain't goin' anywhere.''

Sam turns, tosses his brother a grin (the first real _grin_ she has seen on his face in a long time) and then he leaves, calling out ''Don't do anything I wouldn't do!''

The door closes and she licks her lips.

''So,'' Dean pipes up, casually leaning against the wall. ''What do you want to do now?''

''Hmm...'' She smirks and for a second, she feels just like she used to feel as she raises her arms above her head, pretending she's stretching when all she's really doing is sticking her breasts out. ''Well, we could go to bed.'' She sends him a wink and inches closer to him, her arms winding around his waist as his arms wrap around her back, holding her tightly. ''I'll let you do things to me.''

He laughs that same deep and rumbling laugh that makes something deep inside her gut stir. ''Now that sounds _romantic_.''

''No.'' Her arms move around his neck and she brings her lips inches away from his, grinning when his breathing catches and his hands find their way up her shirt. ''It sounds like _fun_.''

He looks at her with green eyes that are darkened with lust and in an instant, her back is against the wall and his hands are on either side of her head. ''Did you miss me, Ruby?''

His lips find their way to her neck, she feels goose bumps rise on her skin and a slightly breathless smile stretches across her face. ''I...'' She swallows when his lips move to a tender spot on her neck and closes her eyes. ''Yes...of course I missed you.''

He pulls away and there is still lust in his eyes, but there is also longing and affection and something else (but let's not go there) as he reaches up to brush a strand of hair out of her face. ''Good. Ruby, I don't....I don't remember much about hell - ''

(He's lying; she can see it in his eyes.)

'' - But I'm fairly certain I missed you.''

She smiles and thinks about saying more. She could tell him just how much she missed him, she could tell him she loves him, but she's honestly not sure if that would be the truth. She _cares_ about him...._a lot._ She thinks she could love him, and hey, maybe she already does. But saying it now will only be bittersweet and hollow, so she doesn't. She doesn't say anything. She kisses him instead. And after all this time, their kisses are _still_ laced with fire, it _still_ ignites passion she thought long gone and she really hates to say this because it sounds like one of those shitty romance movies where they all live happily ever after (life's not like that, you know) and end up living the white picket fence lifestyle, but.....she feels whole again. Like she can breathe.

How fucking pathetic does that sound?

''Dean....'' She pulls away from him, breathless with her eyes closed and her breathing erratic. ''I want....bedroom. _Now_.''

He groans softly against the skin on her neck and nods. ''Liking that plan.''

* * *

The door to the bedroom crashes open and they stumble inside, still attached at the lips, wasting no time in their attempts to peel clothing off. He easily tugs her shirt over her head and her hands move to claw at his. They stumble back and the backs of her knees hit the bed as her hands (which have _finally_ gotten his shirt off) start to snake towards the buckle on his jeans.

When she turns and pushes him onto the bed, climbing on top of him, they know this is _just the beginning_ of the night....

* * *

Bed, bathroom sink, shower, bed, bedroom wall, bedroom floor, bed again......

By the time the front door opens and closes downstairs they have probably fucked on or up against every available surface. He has left her tired and aching once again only this time it's not so much a _with child _kind of tired and aching, this is more of a _best sex of your life _kind of tired and aching.

''We're back!'' Sam's voice rings out. ''Stop screwing!''

''Sam!'' Bobby's voice hisses. ''There is a child present.''

She giggles (yes, the all mighty Ruby actually _giggles_) and turns to face him. They are both sweaty and breathing hard and he has just rolled off of her from their last round, but honestly, neither one of them could feel better. ''You know,'' she mutters, voice hoarse. ''We should....'' Attempting to catch her breath, she rolls over and curls into him, entangling her body with his, threading her fingers through his. ''We should probably get dressed now.''

He laughs and leans down to kiss her lips softly. ''Probably.''

Neither of them move, her eyes move to the clock and she sees 10:26 staring at her in blinking red numbers. She swallows and closes her eyes, pressing a kiss to his bare chest.

_10:26_

* * *

10:55 is when it sinks in. Beside her, Dean is sleeping peacefully and for the past 29 minutes she has simply been watching him. She just can't help it. If this is going to happen, she needs to be able to remember him.

She doesn't want to just forget. So she studies him letting every detail sink in. And it's not just his appearance she wants to remember. She wants to remember the way she feels when she's around him, wants to remember the way he kisses and the feel of his hands on her. The way he talks, the way he smirks, the way he _cares_ about her. She doesn't want to leave anything out.

So she sits and watches. For 29 minutes. And then she sees the clock and it reads 10:58 and she realizes there is much more that needs to be done.

Her shaking hand reaches out to stroke his cheek softly. He stirs, but does not wake. ''Dean Winchester,'' she whispers. ''I think I could have loved you.''

One last time (and she knows this is the last, she can feel it in her bones) she draws in a breath, lays her head on his chest, listens to his heartbeat and sings. _''Stars shining bright above you, night breezes seem to whisper ''I love you''; birds singin' in the sycamore trees; dream a little dream of me....''_ She chokes up and her throat burns with sadness. _''Say ''nighty-night'' and kiss me, just hold me tight and tell me you'll miss me; while I'm alone and blue as can be, dream a little dream of me....''_ She trails off and stands, hastily throwing her clothes on.

The clock reads 11.04 and there are places she has to be, things that have to be done. So, she gently presses a kiss to his cheek and sings one last verse. _''Stars fading, but I linger on, dear, still craving your kiss; I'm longing to linger till dawn, dear; just saying this....''_

She slips out the door before she can break.

* * *

''All right,'' she whispers, careful not to wake the man asleep on the pile of books. ''Now, Bobby, I am trusting you with my boys.'' She's sitting on the couch, hands clasped nervously, talking to him like he's not fast asleep but wide awake and listening. ''If this breaks Dean, I need you to, like, yell at him or something. Do that thing you do, he listens to you. Because I need him to take care of her. Can you do that? Can you just....watch over them?''

She pauses, like he's answering and she smiles and nods, rising to her feet. ''Good.'' Her smile disappears after a moment and she swallows, focusing her gaze on the ground. ''You know, Bobby, I'm a demon. An unholy creature spawned from the depths of hell and you still took a chance on me.'' She tilts her head to the side and crosses her arms, her smile turning into somewhat of a smirk that only shakes a little. ''I never said thank you for that did I?'' She moves a little closer to him, and the smirk on her face grows sad. ''Thank you.''

Before she walks away, she lets out a breath and looks at him closely, like she's studying him. ''Bobby,'' she says, ''Ellen isn't going to wait for you to ask her forever.''

* * *

11:23

She has no idea what do say or do here. She's on the ground in a darkened room, back against the wall as her eyes focus solely on the sleeping boy (_man_ really, but to her he's still that broken boy from all those months ago with his brother in his arms). Shaking her head, she rises to her feet and walks a little closer, breathes a little quieter. Arms folded across her chest, she turns her gaze to the staring shining out the window.

''I'm not really sure what to say here, Sammy.'' She knows if he was awake, he would tell her not to call him Sammy, but he's not awake, so she'll call him whatever she wants. And she's trying; she's trying so hard to find the words that seem to be lodged in her throat. ''I do know I care about you.'' She lets her eyes slide back to him and she smiles. ''You're probably the closest thing I have to a best friend, the closest thing I have to _family_. I know that....if I didn't have you, I wouldn't have made it this far. Sam....'' She pauses and swallows. ''I'm never going to be able to find the words to express how grateful I am that you took care of Bray when I....when I couldn't. Now,'' she sniffles and tries to regain control as she crouches down to his level. ''I know you're probably going to be angry with me for doing this and...and that's okay, you have a right to be angry, but....this is just something I have to do. Please take care of yourself, Sam.....I want you to be all right, I want you to be taken care of.'' She laughs lightly and blinks away the unshed tears. ''And don't you go gettin' all broody and guilty because you didn't know what I was doing, okay? This is me, Sam, this is _all me._''

Smiling like she's trying to comfort him, she gently presses a kiss to his forehead and stands. She's hovering in the doorway when she speaks up for the last time. ''Sam...'' Her voice sounds hoarse, even to her own ears as she turns briefly. ''You're still the light in his eyes.''

* * *

It's the hardest goodbye and the one she never wanted to say. Saying goodbye to Bobby and Sam has been hard, saying goodbye to Dean had been hell, but this....this was like fucking torture. How do you say goodbye to the one person you cannot live without?

Much to her surprise, Bray is wide awake when she peers into the crib, the baby's blue eyes lighting up at the sight of her mother, almost like she had been waiting for her. The sight of her baby girl so awake and happy (she had been hoping Bray would be asleep, it would have been easier) breaks her down. All she manages to say is a small rasp of ''oh'' and then the tears come all at once.

Broken, fractured cries escape her lips as she lifts her baby into her arms. ''Lila Bray,'' she whispers her daughter's name like it's a prayer and she slides to the ground, baby cradled against her chest. ''My baby girl.'' When she looks into her daughter's eyes, she tries to smile but finds it's nearly impossible. ''You....You mean everything to me, Bray, I need you to know that, okay? That's why I'm doing this, it's for you. All for you, baby. H-He can give you everything. He can give you a life...I can't. I wish I could. I wish I could stay.'' A ragged sob escapes her lips and her tears fall steadily down her pale cheeks. ''Oh, god, Lila Bray, I wish I could stay with you. But I can't. I have to go, I _have _to. I have to let you go.....I have to give you away....this...this is what I need to do. For you.'' The words are coming fast, anxious whispers of things she needs her daughter to know before she goes. ''You need to understand, if I stay I'll only bring you down. You and your daddy. And I can never just leave...I wouldn't...wouldn't be able to stay away. This is the only way.''

That's when her voice breaks. For a moment all she can do is sit there and cry, holding her daughter (who is becoming quite frightened by her mother's attitude) to her chest as she whispers ''I love you'' over and over.

Until she sees the clock. 11:43.

''Oh, god.'' Sniffling, she looks at Bray and does the only thing she can do to make sure her daughter knows that her mother loves her. ''Bray....Bray, I was so sure...that I didn't want you. I was so sure you were never going to be what I wanted. But I was wrong. Lila Bray....you are all I could _ever_ want.'' This time when she smiles, it's still sad but it doesn't hurt as much. ''I have done so many things in my life and none of them were good. But you....Baby, you are the _one good thing _I ever did. I love you....more than I could love anyone else in the world.''

And she's not sure what else she can say; she just knows it can't be over yet. She's not ready to let go. When she sees Bray is getting scared, when she sees the tears in her eyes, she breathes around the cries strangling her and sings their lullaby _one last time._ _''Sweet dreams still sun beams find you, sweet dreams that leave our worries behind you; but in your dreams, whatever they be, dream a little dream of me....''_ Bray doesn't care that her mother's voice is tear choked and raw, she just cares about the song and she calms down. _''Stars fading, but I linger on, dear, still craving your kiss; I'm longing to linger till dawn, dear, just saying this: Sweet dreams till sun beams find you, sweet dreams that leave our worries far behind you....''_ Two lines left and then she'll have to leave. She finds it's getting harder and harder to breathe. _''But in your dreams, whatever they be, dream a little dream of me....''_

The song ends.

* * *

Placing Lila Bray Winchester back in that crib and tearing herself from the room was the hardest thing she ever had to do. But she did it anyways. With a sob and a whisper of ''Be good for daddy.''

Now it's 11:56 and she stands in the bathroom, staring at her reflection, red lipstick in her hands. She can't just leave them, she has to say something, they _won't understand_. They need to understand _why_. But what can she write on the mirror? What can she say? What will make this better? For awhile, she toys with 'I had to do it' or 'me for you' but they both feel rushed and impersonal. Of course there's always 'I lo - '

_No._

Let's just....Let's not even go there.

It's a long four minutes and when it turns 11:59 and time starts to run short, she writes. Two words. Just two simple words written hastily on the mirror. She hopes they will be enough but knows they never will. Slowly, her shaking hands put the lipstick down and she waits. She's still crying, muffled sobs that shake her body and make the tears fall faster.

The clock strikes midnight.

Through her gulping sobs, she starts to cough and feels the black smoke rising in her throat.

It's all right.

It's okay.

She's ready to let go.

* * *

_''If there ever comes a day when we can't be together, keep me in your heart, I'll stay there forever.''  
_**-Winnie the Pooh**

**end chapter five**


	6. forgive me

_AN: So, um...yeah. I kinda killed her. Please don't throw rotten tomatoes at me._

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing but Lila Bray.

* * *

**a ghost of you is all that i have left**

_Written by Becks Rylynn_

* * *

_Chapter Six:_

* * *

_''The only thing you take with you when you're gone is what you leave behind.''  
_**-John Allston**

* * *

''Bray, don't you dare!''

_SPLAT!_

Sam groans and spits out pureed peas, sending a glare in Bobby's direction when the older man dares to laugh. Wiping the baby food off his face, he turns his eyes to Bray and he's going to scold her, really he is, but then he sees that her eyes are black and she is obviously _so not_ in the mood for this. With a screech, she pushes the baby food away and it lands with another splat on the floor. She screeches again and struggles in her high chair.

She may be a baby, but she knows something _is not right._

Where is mommy? That's all she wants to know.

''There is definitely a lot of Dean in that girl,'' Bobby says, shaking his head.

Sam rolls his eyes and lifts the squirming and agitated baby into his arms. ''That's not Dean. That's Ruby.''

''The woman _does _have a temper,'' the older man allows.

Bray twists and struggles in her uncle's arms, trying desperately to get free. ''Geez, Bray, what is up with the 'tude?'' She whimpers and squirms even more. Eventually, her twisting and squirming causes her to nearly dance right out of his arms. However, much to her dismay, her attempt to escape is thwarted when strong arms catch her and she's pulled against her father's chest.

''Hey there, black eyed girl.'' Dean arches an eyebrow, the corners of his lips threatening to curve into a smile. ''Are you tryin' to give your uncle Sammy a heart attack?''

Sam rolls his eyes and sits back down. ''You're back for one day and already she likes you better than me,'' he remarks when Bray calms slightly and stops struggling. However, her whimpers get louder as she peers up at daddy like she's trying to say _help her, Daddy, you have to help her!_

''Well, of course she likes me better,'' Dean scoffs. ''I'm awesome.''

''You're annoying.''

''Hey, I came back from the dead for you, Sammy boy.''

''Oh really? Just for me?''

''_Yes_,'' Dean says dramatically as he reaches over and pats Sam's cheek. ''Just for you.''

Bobby clears his throat pointedly, glancing in between the two Winchester boys. ''So, which one of you two idjits is going to clean up the baby food on my floor?''

Sam and Dean look at each other, but it's the older one who grins widely and shifts Bray in his arms. ''I'm holding a baby.''

Sam groans. ''Why do I always get the dirty jobs?''

A moment passes before Dean stands and moves over to the counter, hand reaching for a mug as he shifts Bray onto his hip. ''Oh, now come _on_,'' Sam speaks up. ''It took me three weeks to get that hip thing down. And I feel the need to point out...again...that you have been back for _one day._''

Dean shrugs carelessly as he pours himself a cup of coffee. ''I used to have to do it for you.''

''You mean when you were....._four_?''

''Didn't say it was easy.'' He sighs and lets his eyes glance out of the room, straining to hear the sound of footsteps or a shower running. Where _is_ she? This is getting annoying, he might actually be _worried._ Good God, what is she doing to him? ''Have either of you seen Ruby today?''

Sam looks up from the floor and shares a look with Bobby before he shakes his head and his jaw twitches. ''She...She wasn't with you?''

The words kick start Dean's brain and he swallows hard, eyes moving down to Bray. Her eyes are blue again, shining with unshed tears. Something's wrong and she knows it, she can feel it in the air just like he can. Dread takes over and the horrible feeling he has been trying to push away since he got back gets too horrid to ignore. ''Sam, take the baby.''

* * *

Dean Winchester is keeping a lot of things from a lot of people. He tells them he doesn't remember a thing about hell. That's a lie. He tells them he's not scared that he is suddenly a father. That's a lie. He tells them he's not falling in love with Ruby. That's a lie. He tells them he has no idea how he got back. That's a lie. Truth is, he knows. He knew from the moment he got back and looked into her eyes that she had something to do with this. Secrets shone bright in her eyes all day. All his life, he's never been able to read anyone like he can read Ruby.

The only question that remains is _what did she do?_

''Ruby?'' There is no answer and that's when the panic sets in. What if....

_No, don't go there Dean._

''Ruby, answer me!''

There are probably about a thousand things she could have done to bring him back. She could have performed some stupid, careless spell, she could have gone to someone with power, or.....or she could have made a deal.

Now, Dean Winchester ain't a prayin' man. He finds it hard to believe in anything but darkness in this world they live in, but with the dread coursing through his veins he's not really sure what else to do. So he prays. ''Ruby!'' His hands push open the door to the bathroom and he's hoping he'll see her step out of the shower, eyes hard and angry, muttering curses at him for interrupting her.

He does not see that. But he does see her.

She's sprawled out on the floor, with her legs slightly bent, one of her arms carelessly thrown out and the other one positioned by her head. Her golden hair is framing her head like a halo (in a moment of irony) and she's pale. Too pale. _Way too pale._ On the mirror, scrawled in red lipstick, there are two words written.

_Forgive me._

The world and the walls he has worked his entire life to put up come crashing down around him. ''No.'' She's cold when he gathers her into his arms, pulling her against his chest. She's cold and limp and pale and her lips are blue. ''Ruby, come on! Open your eyes! Don't do this to me, Ruby, you have a daughter who needs you!'' His hands are rough and he's not gentle as he slaps her cheek in an attempt to get her to _open her eyes._

No. This can't be happening, it just can't. He has held too many bodies in his arms over the years; she can't be just another body. ''Goddamn it, woman,'' he growls, shaking her brutally like he truly believes it will bring her back to him. ''What the fuck have you done?!'' When she doesn't wake up, when she doesn't suddenly gasp and open her eyes, he feels burning behind his eyes and he pulls her back to him.

''Dean!'' The door crashes open and Sam appears, his eyes wild and panicked. The sight before him has the panic giving way to desperation and then he's on the ground next to his brother, hands moving to touch her cold skin. ''Dean...oh, god....._Ruby_....what happened?'' His voice is choked and raw and there's tears quickly rising in those dark, brooding eyes of his.

''She did it,'' Dean murmurs, holding her closer. ''She was the one who brought me back. She made a deal.''

And that's when all of the anger and bitterness fades away and he cracks and shatters, the tears coming all at once.

She's gone. Ruby's gone.

_His_ Ruby is gone.

* * *

_**Anya: **__Nobody will tell me.  
__**Willow Rosenberg: **__Because it's not okay for you to be asking these things!  
__**Anya:**__ But I don't understand! I don't understand how this all happens. How we go through this. I _knew_ her, and then she's - there's just a body, and I don't understand why she just can't get back in it and not be _dead_ anymore! It's stupid!  
_**-Buffy: The Vampire Slayer, The Body**

* * *

And it goes like this....

Eventually, after a lot of crying and Dean literally snarling anytime someone tried to take her away from him, Sam manages to coax his brother into letting her go. Dean flinches and looks away when Sam picks her up off the ground and her head lolls back and her arms dangle lifelessly. She is placed on a mattress (yes, _that _mattress) and it begins.

How did she do it? Why did she do it? Why now? What were the exact conditions of her deal? Is she really dead or has she just been forced out of her body? _How could she do this to Bray? How?_

For a long time after Bobby and Sam drag Dean from the bathroom floor, he remains sitting on the couch, staring at the wall, eyes hard and emotionless. When Bobby suggests burning her body to prevent her from coming back, however, he looks up. Actually, he jumps to his feet, throws Bobby against the wall and growls, ''Let her come.''

Bobby doesn't (won't) say anything, but the scene feels eerily familiar.

''We're going to bury her,'' Dean says after a long, long silence. ''We're going to bury her someplace nice, someplace _beautiful_ so that when my daughter needs her mother she will have somewhere to go.''

And then he turns and stalks out of the room.

* * *

Ellen arrives the next day and weeps tears of joy when she sees Dean Winchester standing in front of her, baby in his arms, _alive._ The forlorn attitudes of the three men confuse her because shouldn't they be happy? Dean is alive, he's home, what are they so upset about?

Dean listens when Bobby takes her aside and breaks the news, listens as her gulping sobs of joy become loud, anguished cries of sorrow and he closes his eyes and holds his baby girl a little tighter.

It's a beautiful, sunny day out. He thinks it should be pouring rain. He doesn't realize he's said it out loud until Sam moves beside him and says, ''Nah. She was too bright to have her funeral in the dark.''

Dean swallows.

* * *

Ellen does a nice job getting her ready, he has to admit that. She brushes her hair and makes sure she looks beautiful for her funeral. She looks way better than he did when he was lowered into the ground, he's sure of that.

As the sun shines bright, they bury her.

When Ellen speaks up with a small, ''Somebody should say something'' Dean finds himself forced to listen to his family stutter through kind words about the deceased.

''She...She was a good....She was a kind....She was a....loyal friend,'' Ellen finally manages to get out.

''She was a hell of a good fighter,'' Bobby offers.

''She was a great mother,'' Sam says.

Dean loses it.

Laughing bitterly, he shakes his head and looks at the people surrounding him incredulously. ''Do you people hear yourselves right now? She was a loyal friend? A good fighter? A _great mother_? Please. She was a stupid, spineless, selfish bitch who couldn't handle being a mother so she brought me back just so she could walk away! She didn't want that kid so she stuck me with it!''

''How can you talk about her like that?!'' Sam bursts out, his eyes shining with grief and rage.

''How can I not?'' Dean fires back. Eyes flashing, he turns to the grave, fire dancing in his eyes. ''Do you hear me, Ruby?! I _hate_ you! I hope you're freakin' burning! You're a coward and...and a deadbeat mother and you never, _ever_ deserved me!'' In Ellen's arms, Bray starts to cry, screaming loudly, terrified by the yelling. But Dean can barely hear it over the roaring in his ears. He's on a roll now, all that anger and frustration coming out. ''All the torture you're about to go through, you deserve all of it! You left me here! You left me here all alone, you stupid bitch!''

A fist connects with his jaw and he stumbles back but does not fall. All eyes turn to Sam, who has his hand curled into a fist and a murderous look in his eyes. ''Stop it, Dean. Stop it _now._''

''No.''

''I will _make_ you stop.''

Dean laughs again, cruel and biting. Bray cries harder. ''Really now, Sammy? And how are you going to do that?''

''Watch me.'' Sam takes a step and Dean does not move, danger glinting in both pairs of Winchester eyes. Before Sam can get another hit in, Bobby intercepts.

''Hey!'' His eyes shine with authority as he steps in between the brothers, pushing them away from each other. ''Hey! This ain't the time, boys, or the place. We just buried a _mother_ for Christ's sake, show a little _respect_.'' There's a brief silence, the only sound Ellen's shushing as she bounces the baby in her arms. ''You,'' Bobby turns to glare at Sam. ''Cool off. And you,'' he turns to Dean. ''You want to deal with your grief with anger you do it somewhere else! And you never, _ever_ tarnish that girls' memory! Not in front of her daughter. One more time, Dean, and you're out until you can _pull yourself together!_''

_Daughter._

The word races around his mind and the guilt comes fast and furious, hitting him like a physical blow. Oh. God. Bray. He turns, looking at the little girl whimpering in Ellen's arms, her face tear streaked and frightened and he has to swallow the bile that rises in the back of his throat. Did he really just say all of that crap? Fuck. Closing his eyes and shaking his head, he runs a hand over his face, trying so hard to get himself together. Finally, he gets his voice under control and speaks. ''I can't...'' He clears his throat. ''I can't be here right now.''

They protest, but he's gone before their pleas can reach his ears.

* * *

He finally comes home late that night. He's totally and completely (and painfully) _sober._ And he's wishing on every damn star he sees that he had gotten drunk. It'd be easier. _But_, he tells himself, _fathers do not get drunk_.

That's what he is now.

A father.

A _single_ father.

God, how fucking scary is that?

He tries to be quiet when he enters the house, but finds there's really no need. Bray's cries echo through the house and he hears Sam's voice mixed with the infant's cries. Dean draws in a breath and moves farther into the house where he sees his brother, desperately pacing the room with Bray in his arms, rocking and shushing her to no avail. The baby's cries are loud and despairing and he has a feeling he knows why she's crying. But he asks anyways. ''What's wrong with her?''

Sam stops in his tracks and spares his brother a glance, eyes narrowed, lips pursed in disapproval. He probably thinks his brother's been out drinking all night. ''I don't know,'' he says finally. ''She's not hungry, she doesn't need to be changed, she doesn't want to be rocked, she - ''

''She doesn't understand,'' Dean cuts in softly. ''She doesn't know what's going on, what's happening. She doesn't know where her mother is and she's scared because everyone's....everyone's sad. All she knows is that she wants mom and mom isn't coming.''

Sam's silent for a long time and then he nods, softening as he moves towards his brother. ''Y-Yeah. That's probably it.''

Dean looks at Sam for a moment, like he's trying to say something with his eyes and then he looks down at Bray. Her tears are big, fat, elephant tears and her face is turning a scary shade of red. And he's surprised to find that seeing his daughter so upset physically hurts him. ''Can I hold her?''

The younger Winchester hesitates and clutches the baby closer, but then nods and carefully hands the baby over to her daddy. Dean wonders for a moment, what he's supposed to do now and then his instincts take over. Sparing a glance at Sam, he sits down on the couch and begins to sing softly. _''Stars shining bright above you, night breezes seem to whisper ''I love you''; birds singin' in the sycamore tree; dream a little dream of me....''_ The cries begin to get softer. _''Say ''nighty-night'' and kiss me, just hold me tight and tell me you'll miss me; while I'm alone and blue as can be, dream a little dream of me...''_ Slowly, the soft cries become whimpers and the whimpers die down into nothing. She does not sleep, but her tears stop flowing.

Dean smiles gently and wipes away the tears on her cheeks. ''I have a feeling,'' he whispers, ''that's the song her mother used to sing to her.''

Sam sits down beside him and offers him a small, very Sam like smile. ''You're right.''

There's silence for a minute, it's slightly uncomfortable and the sadness hangs over them like a thick, dark cloud. Dean is the first one to speak, breaking the silence that has taken over them. ''Do you think she was scared?''

Sam frowns. ''What?''

''Ruby. Do you think she was scared? When it happened?''

''I...I don't know. Why?''

''The worst way to go,'' Dean mutters, clearing his throat. ''Is to go out terrified. I should know. I did.''

Sam winces and looks away briefly and Dean can tell his brother is thinking it over very carefully. ''I think...she thought she was doing the right thing. I think she thought Bray would be better off with you and I think....'' Sam stops suddenly and lets out a long, shuddering breath. Oh, geez, he's not going to burst into tears is he? When he doesn't, Dean breathes a small sigh of relief. ''She wasn't happy, Dean, she hadn't been for a long time. I mean, she was _Ruby_ and happiness was rare for her.'' Sam smirks at that, it's a different kind of smirk and his brother wonders who taught him how to smirk like that. ''But these past few months, she was....different. Breaking. Cracking. So,'' he draws in another breath and rakes a hand through shaggy hair. ''I think when the time finally came, when it....when it all ended, she probably felt more relieved than anything else.''

Dean doesn't realize there are warm, salty tears in his eyes until one drips onto Bray's cheek and he swears she actually scowls. ''At least she wasn't afraid,'' he says softly, wiping the tear off her cheek.

''Yeah,'' Sam agrees. ''At least she wasn't afraid.''

They sit together, close yet so far away, suffering in silence for another few minutes and then Sam rises to his feet with a small sigh. ''You want some coffee?''

Dean smiles lightly and moves the baby onto his shoulder, rubbing her back softly. ''Sammy, go to bed.''

Sam eyes him carefully, clearly longing to get some sleep, but weary about leaving his brother alone with the baby. ''Are you sure you can handle Bray?''

''I handled you. You turned out relatively undamaged.''

Sam scoffs. ''Oh, you think so, do you?''

''Yes,'' Dean answers easily, smirk sliding over his lips. And even though it's a little tired and shaky, boy does it feel good to smirk again. ''I think so.''

He can see the compliment reaches his brother, dark eyes soften momentarily and then Sam swallows. ''Dean, are you sure - ''

''Yes, Sam, I'm sure.''

''.....All right.''

Before Sam leaves, the words Dean has tried to block out come back to him and he calls out to his brother, determined to rid himself of the guilt. ''Sam!'' The younger man pauses in the doorway. ''About what I said....''

Instantly, Sam turns and waves it off with a small smile and a shake of his head. ''It's forgotten. Jerk.''

''Bitch.''

They smile and their eyes meet and maybe it's not all right yet but it will be.

Once Dean is sure Sam is gone, he's left all alone with his baby daughter and all the ghosts that haunt him. Gently, treating her like she's a fragile, porcelain doll, he pulls her away from his shoulder and settles her in his arms, looking into her eyes. She's wide awake despite the late hour and her beautiful blue eyes sparkle (just like her mother's) as she stares up at him, innocence on her face. It makes him smile, even though the sight of those blue eyes makes something inside of him ache.

(Just how deep did his feelings for her go?)

''Lila Bray,'' he utters quietly after a moment has ticked away in the silence he finds uncomfortable. ''All those things I said today....'' He shakes his head and swallows thickly. ''I didn't mean them. They were wrong, I was wrong. Your mother.....she loved you more than anything in the world, it was written all over her face. She wanted you _so much_.'' His throat is aching painfully and there's burning behind his eyes when it hits him suddenly. Like a freight train. He is _all alone_. Sure, he'll have Sam, and Bobby and Ellen will help but this is _his _daughter and _he_ is the one who has to raise her. On his own. ''Baby,'' he whispers. ''Your mother brought me back so I could take care of you. And that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to take care of you.'' His voice cracks and for the first time in a long time he finds he cannot make the tears go away. He can't push them away and conveniently forget about them, he can't cover them up with some stupid joke.

This time is different.

This time he's all alone with only his baby for company and he's just lost someone who had the potential to mean the world to him.

Sensing her daddy's anguish, Bray reaches out a tiny little hand and grips his shirt, resting her head on his chest. It's a small gesture (she's a small person) but it makes Dean smile and laugh. Just a quiet, choked laugh but it's a laugh all the same. ''I think I may have loved her, Lila Bray.''

And when he fractures apart and the tears fall, accompanied by barely stifled sobs, he swears on everything he believes in that he hears Ruby crying with him.

* * *

_"It's funny how a person can break your heart, and you can still love them with all the little pieces"  
_**-Anonymous**

**end chapter six**


	7. he fights the screams

_AN: Okay, this chapter is late; it was supposed to be up by seven but...well...I forgot. Yes, I forgot. Don't hate me._

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing except Lila Bray.

* * *

**a ghost of you is all that i have left**

_Written by Becks Rylynn_

* * *

_Chapter Seven:_

* * *

_''In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.''  
_**-Robert Frost**

* * *

And it goes like this....

If Dean Winchester thought being a big brother was hard, he had no idea what being a father would entail. It's hard and grueling and not at all like they portray it to be in the movies. Fathers and daughters are not all about dancing on toes and shirts that say 'Daddy's Little Princess'. That's not the way the real world works. Truth is, sometimes he thinks about giving her away.

He piles her in the car one day, drives for fifteen minutes and parks in front of an adoption agency. It would be easier. She could have everything. A father, a mother, maybe a couple siblings. She could have normal; she could have everything he didn't. But then he remembers that Ruby died so he could have this child and raise her right, not so he could give her up.

He drives away and does not think about letting her go ever again.

The months pass quickly and the next thing Dean knows, she is six months old. He can remember what happened when Sam turned six months old, he knows of all the dangers. The day goes by in panicky blurs, every noise is someone (some_thing_) trying to take his daughter. There is no fire allowed (under _no_ circumstances) for a whole day and at night as he watches her sleep (as he keeps _guard_) his eyes continue to stray to the ceiling.

''Dean,'' Sam says from the doorway at half past two. ''Nothing is going to happen.''

''You don't know that.''

Sam sighs, looks incredibly pained. ''He's gone, Dean. Yellow-Eyes is gone. He can't hurt this family anymore.''

Dean gives a non committal grunt in response and sinks further into the chair. There is a noise in the dark, like footsteps, Sam stiffens and Dean's eyes grow wild and panicked as he looks towards the ceiling. Bobby steps into the room, shoves a cup of coffee at Sam and one at Dean and takes a seat in a chair.

When the brothers look at him like he's gone stark raving mad, he shrugs and says simply, ''Family don't end with blood, boys.''

The night passes in fear and a whole lot of nothing and the morning sun rises, bringing a new day. When Sam looks over at his older brother, he arches an eyebrow and asks, ''Dean, are you crying?''

Dean says, ''Fuck off, Sam.''

* * *

Ruby didn't leave behind much; besides Bray and Dean and all the devastation and destruction caused by _what she did._ Other than that, she left behind a few articles of clothing, some strawberry shampoo (so _that's_ why she always smelled of strawberries and sulfur), the vaguest hint of sulfur and a tan leather jacket that Bray seems to need more than anything.

As soon as she could crawl, she always crawled towards the jacket like she was crawling towards her mother. At night, she clutches it close to her heart, sleeps soundly through the night and refuses to let go. Dean and Sam try to take it away from her once, but it doesn't exactly go according to plan. Their plan is to wait until she's asleep and then sneak the jacket away from her.

Dean hesitates, Sam rolls his eyes. ''Dude, what are you waiting for? Just take it, she's asleep. She won't notice.''

Dean takes a breath, reaches forwards and as soon as his fingers touch leather, he smells strawberries and sulfur so intense it makes him feel lightheaded. The air around him goes cold and he hears garbled, ghostly singing. _''Stars shining bright above you, night breezes seem to whisper ''I love you''....''_

In the crib, Bray opens her eyes, they flash black and he feels his stomach turn over. When the little girl in the crib lets out a wail that could wake the dead (not funny) her daddy jumps back, sharing a look with Sam. It doesn't take long for the denial to set in and he decides that _did not _just happen. ''For fuck's sake,'' he mutters, his voice sounding oddly hoarse like it hasn't been used in forever. ''Just let her keep the damn jacket.''

Sam nods an agreement and swallows.

Dean tells himself he doesn't hear Lila Bray Winchester's mother laughing behind them (even though he does).

* * *

It doesn't end with a whimper or a bang. But it starts (like most everything else) with a mistake. Actually numerous mistakes. On both sides.

The war comes fast.

One minute it is something that will come, something that will happen.....eventually, and the next minute it's here. Demons and Hunters face off, Lucifer walks free and the Winchester's learn about Angels.

Theirs is named Castiel. He shows up wearing the face of some poor man in a suit and trench coat. Nothing about the body is his. Except the eyes. He has the eyes of an angel. And that's not some cheesy metaphor for 'he has nice eyes'. It means what it means. His eyes _believe,_ they are stained with the mistaken thought that God is watching over them, they are _innocent_. Almost like a child's. Dean finds the angel's eyes and faith immensely fascinating, he watches when he thinks the angel is not watching. He _studies._ How can someone believe in all that is good and holy when _this_ is the world they live in?

Dean waits with an almost sick satisfaction for the moment when the innocence is stolen and Castiel realizes God doesn't care one little bit. Maybe God _is_ real, maybe he exists, but he sure as hell (odd choice of words) _doesn't_ care. If he did, the world would not be like this.

_That_ is what Dean believes.

* * *

The rain is continuous, flooding streets and towns and the Winchesters run. Lucifer runs after them.

Eventually it comes down to this: Dean cannot remember the sun, cannot fathom sleep and cannot recall a time when Bray wasn't crying in fear. There is a war going on right outside their doors and they are not fighting. They are _running._ Maybe it seems cowardly and foolish, but to everyone who knows them, it seems perfectly reasonable. They're not running because they're _scared_. They're running because of _her._

Lila Bray Winchester smiles like her father, has eyes like her mother and sits in the backseat of a car speeding away from chaos and destruction.

They all come to him in a dream once, they people who have been lost, caught in the crossfire, the people who only live in his memories.

_''Baby,''_ Mary cries, her tears falling down her cheeks as she reaches towards him but doesn't touch. _''This isn't the way it was supposed to be. I never wanted this for you.''_

_''I don't understand,''_ Jessica murmurs, her trusting eyes confused. _''I thought you guys were supposed to be heroes. Heroes don't do this.''_

_''This isn't how I raised you, boy!''_ John snaps, his voice cold and hard before he sighs and shakes his head, deflating as his voice lowers._ ''Winchester's don't run, Dean, they fight. Are you a soldier or not?''_

_''Dude!'' _Ash exclaims with that lopsided smile of his. _''The hell are you waitin' for? This world ain't gonna save itself.''_

_''Dean Winchester....''_ Out of all of them, Ruby is the only one to touch him; bringing a hand to his face as she smiles gently. _''Go and save the world for me.''_

He wakes up.

They stop running.

* * *

''Lila Bray,'' he says her name softly like it's the best thing he's ever said, even though there's sadness creeping into his tone.

(It's always been 'Lila Bray', never just 'Bray' or just 'Lila' it's always 'Lila Bray'. Sam asks once, Dean just says, ''That's what Ruby named her so that's what I'm gonna call her. Do you have a problem with that?'')

''Sugar, look at me.'' She's getting bigger, she's almost a year old now, she's smart and she knows when daddy is being serious. Dean smiles, but it's damaged and disheartened as he brings a hand to her cheek. ''You know I love you more than anything in the whole wide world.'' He doesn't realize the frightening similarities between Ruby's goodbye and his but Bray can tell by the look she sees in her father's eyes that something is wrong. ''Which is why I have to do this,'' he continues. ''To be honest, I don't give a damn about the world. It's you I care about. You and your uncle Sammy. Saving you two....it's the only thing I have left. I'm sorry, Lila Bray, but I have to...I have to go.''

When her eyes fill with tears, he pulls her quickly into his arms and sings to her just one more time. _''Sweet dreams still sun beams find you, sweet dreams that leave our worries behind you; but in your dreams, whatever they be, dream a little dream of me...''_

Lila Bray Winchester says her first words as her father is walking out the door. Dean has handed her over to Ellen with a promise of, ''I _will _see you again, baby, I promise I will.''

She screams when he leaves her, twisting in Ellen's arms and then she says it. ''Dada!''

Dean stops, turns, and fights the urge to run back to her, take her in his arms and _never let go_. His little girl has said her first word, his little girl is screaming, crying for him and he's going to just leave her? That's when he realizes he's turning into his father. All those years ago, growing up on the hunt, the one thing Dean remembers more than anything is the sight of his father walking away from him.

With every step he takes away from his girl, he fights the screams.

* * *

That night as Sam sleeps, Dean cries.

He whispers to the darkness, his voice laced with desperation and the true absence of hope. ''Ruby, I don't know what to do.'' He closes his eyes for a long time and tries to get himself together. He doesn't have the time to break right now; he needs to be thinking of how to win this war so he can go home. When he opens his eyes, there is a hand threaded through his own and when he turns his head, he finds himself staring into blue eyes.

No, really. Just the eyes. Nothing else.

With a sharp gasp, he rolls off the bed, landing hard on his back and when he jumps to his feet and looks around the room he only sees nothing. Like it should be. ''Okay....'' He swallows and tries to shake it off. ''That was creepy.'' He tells himself it was nothing; he just needs to get some sleep. Yeah, that's it. He just needs to get some sleep. He makes a plan to have a shower (in an attempt to wash away the guilt from his body) and get some sleep and forget all about what just happened.

And then he pushes open the bathroom door. There is a body on the floor, writing on the mirror and singing in his ears. _''Say ''nighty-night'' and kiss me, just hold me tight and tell me you'll miss me; while I'm alone and blue as can be....''_ The body's eyes snap open and she reaches for him. _''....Dream a little dream of me.''_

He turns to run and comes face to face with a corpse. Oh, sorry. A _walking _corpse. Clothes she died in, gray skin, blue eyes with films over them, blue lips and boy does she ever look _pissed._

''Hello lover,'' she says and that's when he realizes he's dreaming.....

......He wakes up with a gasp, cold and sweaty and he smells strawberries and sulfur.

''Dean?'' Sam's standing over him, eyes worried and anxious. ''Dean, are you okay?''

Trying to regain a steady breathing pattern, he swallows down nausea and shakes his head. ''No,'' he rasps out.

And then he throws the lamp across the room.

* * *

''You've joined the fight,'' Castiel says when they see him again.

He's different. Sword in hand, scars on his (not his) skin, trench coat missing and the innocence is gone.

''Huh,'' Dean smirks dryly and crosses his arms, leaning casually against the car. ''I see you're not a virgin anymore.''

The angel blinks slowly and Sam turns to give his brother a wide eyed, slack jawed look of horror. ''Excuse me?'' Castiel finally manages to get out after a few seconds.

''You've lost someone,'' Dean deadpans. ''I can see it in your eyes.''

In response, Castiel's eyes harden and pierce into the elder Winchester. ''I've lost _everything_.''

Uh-_huh._ That would explain it then.

* * *

As it turns out, Dean is not the only one who can see through all the shit people put up. All the lies people keep telling to keep their walls up. Apparently Castiel can see through too. He makes that very clear when he corners Dean one day, sliding onto a barstool next to him with a calm look as he casually sees through everything Dean Winchester keeps.

''You know, I've never been to hell, Dean.''

Dean snorts at that. ''I should hope not, or else you wouldn't be a very good _angel, _now would you, Cas?''

''But, I know what it does,'' Castiel continues like he hasn't heard Dean's flippant remark. ''And I know that no one _ever_ forgets.''

Dean turns to face him, glaring and pretty damn sure there's fear dancing in his eyes. ''I don't know what you're talking about.''

The angel smirks (doesn't that just sound weird and strange? Angels should not be allowed to smirk) and says, ''I'm sure'' before he walks away.

Well, of course he fucking remembers. Hell is not something you forget. Hell is not something you _ever_ forget. He remembers the heat, the suffocating darkness, he remembers screaming and pain and torture, but most of all, he remembers what came after. When the hands came down to tear flesh away and they were his own. When the laughter hanging in the air, cruel and bloodthirsty was his. When the cries were not his own but some other poor soul who had to spend eternity Down Under instead of Up There.

He remembers Gordon Walker, biting out curses even around the blood in his mouth as Dean cut him (slowly, it _had_ to be slowly) and grinned when the screams came.

He remembers Bela Talbot, begging and pleading and crying for him to understand why she did it, why she had to do it, for him to save her because he was a hero and not the monster they were trying to turn him into.

He remembers not caring. Not one little bit.

He remembers _forgetting._

Right before he was pulled from the pit, long after he had forgotten his own name, he could remember them. _Sam, Ruby._ The names had swirled around in his head until he could see them, vividly right in front of them. And then....he started to forget. Sam's eyes were blurry, Ruby's smile was distorted. He couldn't remember Sam's voice or the way he felt, he couldn't remember Ruby's kisses or the way her skin felt when it was pressed against his. That was when Dean Winchester was almost lost forever. He could remember the names, but not the faces and if he didn't remember, what was the point of trying to hang on to the one last shred of humanity he had left?

Of course that was when he woke up in a pine box six feet underground, with guilt weighing him down and the knowledge that he almost gave up threatening to pull him under. So, yeah, he remembers. He remembers _everything_. But he's trying so hard to forget.

He takes a breath and orders another drink.

* * *

Ruby brought him back, Ruby _died_, so he wouldn't miss anything. Yet here he is, fighting a war that he could very well die in and he's missing everything.

He calls Ellen once a week to check on Bray, he knows how she is, how she's doing, but it's not the same as actually being there. He'd give anything for this war to be over so he can go home to his baby girl and raise her like he should. Phone calls are not enough, he needs to see her, touch her, he needs to watch her breathing so he can know that no matter what they will all be okay.

He calls one day and Ellen puts Bray on the phone. He says her name, just once and listens to her cry his name ''Daddy!'' over and over and over again in broken pleas for him to come home.

At night he loses sleep and loses faith and sometimes when Sam's asleep and it's all dark, he hears _her_ voice singing to him to sleep. _''Stars shining bright above you, night breezes seem to whisper ''I love you''; birds singin' in the sycamore tree; dream a little dream of me....''_

He misses his baby's birthday.

The screams stuck in his throat claw their way out.

* * *

Crash, bang, scream, yell, cry, fight, shoot, boom, splat, gasp, splash, beg, run, echo.

Swing the sword, shoot the guns, run for cover, down on your knees, watch them fall, save the world.

_''Go and save the world for me.''_

Save the world, send the Devil home again, shoot, shoot, shoot, baby, pull the trigger, kill, kill, crush, destroy.

Save the -

A whimper.

It ends.

(As quick as it came, in a flurry of destruction and death, the war ends with a burst of white light and tears because _it is over_.)

Dean Winchester goes home.

* * *

_''People aren't evil and people aren't good. They live how they can one day at a time. They come out of the dust, they go back to the dust, dusty feet, no wings, and whose fault is that?''  
_**-Caryl Churchill, **_**A Dream Play**_

**end chapter seven**

* * *

**AN: Yes, I am aware I kind of glossed over the war but The War is not the main focus of this story and I needed to get it over with so I could do the time jump that happens in the next chapter. Also, hooray for the little Castiel cameo, I was very excited when I finally found a way to work him into the story (even briefly).**


	8. she sounds like her mother

_AN: Another chapter is late! Sorry about the wait. Hey.....Hey, I rhymed._

**Disclaimer:** Do not own anything. Not the show, not the quotes and not the song 'Dream a Little Dream of Me'. If I owned the boys, you would never see them because they would be locked in my room. So...be glad I don't.

* * *

**a ghost of you is all that i have left**

_Written by Becks Rylynn_

* * *

_Chapter Eight:_

* * *

_''For me, singing sad songs often has a way of healing a situation. It gets the hurt out in the open into the light, out of the darkness.''  
_**-Reba McEntire**

* * *

And it goes like this....

The months pass quickly and turn into years. He watches his little girl grow and he sings. He always sings. Only now, she sings with him. The words may come out jumbled and high pitched, but his little girl already has the voice of a ghost.

She sounds like her mother.

_Stars shining bright above you, night breezes seem to whisper, ''I love you''; birds singin' in the sycamore tree; dream a little dream of me..._

She grows older, one year (he missed that one), two years, his little girl is growing up right in front of his eyes and all he'd really like to know is how to make it _stop._

She likes fairytales (Cinderella) and ice cream (chocolate) and french fries (with lots of ketchup) and she has a surprising knowledge of cartoons and classic rock (what's so strange about that, he wants to know). She has blond hair and blue eyes, and she has her daddy's smile.

And she remembers her mother.

_Say ''nighty-night'' and kiss me, just hold me tight and tell me you'll miss me; while I'm alone and blue as can be, dream a little dream of me...._

* * *

''I had a mommy once,'' she murmurs sleepily when she is two years old.

The sun has just gone down and his only thoughts are of getting her home to bed (because they have a home now, an actual real _home_) but her words have him stopping in his tracks. It's not the words that make him stop, it's her voice. Usually soft and quiet and hard to understand (hey, she's _two)_ today her voice is clear as a bell, easy to understand and fuck.....that just creeps the hell out of him.

Sometimes he wonders how many people live in her head.

''Y-Yes, Lila Bray, you did,'' he chokes out.

''I _know_ she loved me,'' she says with conviction.

He swallows. ''She loved you with all she had.''

She smiles, falls asleep and in the morning, she talks for hours (back to normal with the baby talk and hard to understand words) about her mommy.

_Stars fading, but I linger on, dear, still craving your kiss; I'm longing to linger till dawn, dear, just saying this...._

* * *

Truth be told, she scares him a little. She is his little girl (his wonderful little weirdo) and he'll love her forever, but there are moment, just short little moments, where she is a little _too much_ like her mother. At times, she is Lila Bray Winchester, an energetic toddler and other times, she is shy and quiet and she gets this look in her eyes that scares him more than a little.

And he starts to wonder, what happened to Ruby that night? Did her soul, her spirit, her essence really go to hell, or (and this is the part where he looks at Bray) somewhere else?

She throws a fit one day, complete with black eyes and stompy feet and he turns his back for just a second. In her fit of frustration, she calls him 'short bus'. He freezes, his heart turns to ice and he turns. ''Ruby?''

Her eyes light up, she grins and the pout disappears. ''That's Mommy!''

He lets out a breath and lets it go.

(That's a lie. He does not let it go. He piles her in the car, drives all the miles to Lawrence and takes her to see Missouri. She looks at him, Bray and sighs. With a smile, she places her hand on Bray's cheek and assures him, ''She's all alone in there, child. Her mama ain't in there.'')

_Sweet dreams till sun beams find you, sweet dreams that leave our worries behind you; but in your dreams, whatever they be, dream a little dream of me...._

* * *

She turns three and thing change. She no longer_ knows _her mother loved her; she no longer spends all her time talking about her mommy. Because she turns three and she starts to forget.

He knew the day would come, he had been expecting it, the day where she woke up and the image of her mother was just a distant memory, a blurred image like photographs held underwater for too long. But she had not been expecting it.

She cries one day, just simply bursts into tears. He asks her what's wrong and through her tears, her sobs of sorrow, she manages to gasp out, ''I...I can't remember!''

He frowns and pulls her onto his lap, lifting her chin to look in her eyes. ''What can't you remember, sugar?''

''Mommy!'' She sobs and then throws her arms around his neck and pulls herself closer, holding on tightly. ''I-I can't r-remember Mommy! Daddy, wh-why c-can't I remember? _Why?!_''

He doesn't know what to say, he doesn't know what will make this better (is there anything that can?) so he holds her tight, listens to her howls of anguish and he can't even manage to sing her, her lullaby because he can't speak around the lump in his throat.

When she calms down, when her loud cries have been reduced to sniffles, she pulls away and wipes at her eyes, letting him wipe her nose with a Kleenex ('cause she knows there's no point in arguing with daddy). She speaks softly and her voice is slightly raspy from the cries. ''I think....'' She starts and then pauses, cheeks red as she glances down at her hands. ''I think...she was pretty.'' She looks up suddenly and her wide blue eyes are all innocence and sweetness as she looks at him. ''Was she pretty, daddy?''

Dean swallows and blinks and tries to stay strong as he smiles shakily, nodding. ''Yes, Lila Bray, she was pretty. She was...._beautiful_.''

She smiles and swipes at her eyes again when more tears escape. ''Do I look like her?''

He brushes blond hair out of her blue eyes and nods again. ''You look like her. You have her eyes and her hair and her laugh. And you...you sound just like her when you sing.''

She nods slowly and takes a deep breath, letting it out slowly. She doesn't say anything, and then she slides off his lap and looks at him with those eyes of hers, hands planted on her hips. ''Daddy,'' she begins in a whisper. ''Did she love me?'' Her voice is hesitant like she's afraid to hear the answer and he wonders when she decided she didn't know her mother loved her when she used to be so sure.

''Oh, yes, Lila Bray....'' He goes down on his knees in front of her, hands gripping her shoulders gently. ''She loved you more than she had ever loved anyone. You were her world.''

Bray looks down at the ground and when she looks back up, her eyes are filled with unshed tears and her bottom lip is trembling. ''Then,'' her voice cracks like glass on a hard floor and he shudders. ''Why did she have to die?''

The tears spill over and he reacts on instinct, pulling her into his arms to hold her tight. ''Oh, baby,'' he sighs against her hair. Gently, he pulls her away from him and meets her eyes. ''There are things that happen in this world that can't be explained, can't be understood, can't be stopped. Fate works the way it works and once the script is written, it cannot be changed. We live our lives the way we're meant to and then the story ends. Your mother lived her life and then her story ended. That's just the way it has to be, Lila Bray.''

''B-But stories are supposed to have happy endings!''

He breathes, slowly and steadily and when he smiles, it's not sad, but there are tears shining in his eyes. ''Every story has a happy ending, darlin'. Some are just hard to see.''

She sniffles again and blinks. ''Wh-What was hers?''

Gently, he places a hand on her cheek and takes a few breaths before he answers. ''You.''

She's still crying, but her eyes are brighter than before as she throws herself at him and wraps her arms around him. ''Do you love me, Daddy?'' She murmurs into his shoulder.

''Until the end of the world, sugar.''

And then he lets the tears fall.

* * *

The air is warm, the breeze a welcome brush of cool air. The birds are singing in the trees and under a tree, in the shade, a simple white cross lays, the only sign that there is someone buried there. Someone who was loved more than she ever knew.

As her daddy watches from a safe distance, a little girl slowly and shyly approaches the marker. Swallowing, Lila Bray Winchester takes a seat and lets a somewhat shaky smile cross her face. ''Hi, Mommy....''

_Stars fading, but I linger on, dear, still craving your kiss; I'm longing to linger till dawn, dear, just saying this...._

* * *

After a few months of living the normal life, Sam goes to seek out Sarah Blake. Bobby and Ellen drop by one day and announce, oh yeah, by the way, they've gotten married over the weekend. Which of course gets a _what the hell took you so long_ look. And Dean...well, there are a few women here and there, but they're all gone fast, leaving behind only sighs and memories of what could never be.

Everything he does, everything he will _ever_ do, is for her. His daughter means everything to him and there is no one out there who will ever mean more to him.

Sometimes he dreams of Ruby. She's singing to him and she's beautiful and all he wants is for her to come home to him. Sometimes, in his dreams it's raining and she's outside, laughing even as thunder roars and lightning crashes. She's dancing, and when she sees him she grins even wider, beckoning her with a crook of her finger. ''Come and dance with me, Dean!''

He wants to go, oh, god, does he want to be with her. He's tired now, lonely and depressed. Raising a child by yourself is hard work. But giving up is simply not an option. Leaving Lila Bray behind is never an option. So he doesn't go to her. He never goes to her. Even though he wishes he could. He keeps living, keeps breathing.

Every breath he breathes, every step he takes, it's all for Bray.

It's _all_ for her.

The years pass.

_Sweet dreams till sun beams find you, sweet dreams that leave our worries far behind you; but in your dreams, whatever they be, dream a little dream of me...._

* * *

_''There's something like a line of gold thread running through a man's words when he talks to his daughter, and gradually over the years it gets to be long enough for you to pick up in your hands and weave into a cloth that feels like love itself.''  
_**-John Gregory Brown**

* * *

And it goes like this....

It all starts on Lila Bray Winchester's fourth birthday.

''Uncle Sammy!'' Her blue eyes light up as she rushes forwards and launches herself into his arms.

He grins and lifts her off the ground, spinning her around. ''Hey, babe. How's the birthday girl?''

Bray's grin widens and her eyes twinkle with happiness as she plants a sloppy kiss on his cheek. ''I'm good! I turn four today! Did you bring me presents?''

Sam laughs. ''Ah, right to the point, I see. Well, of course we brought you presents, babe. It's your birthday.''

She claps her hands together and then turns her attention to the woman beside him. ''Sarah,'' she says seriously. ''Hasn't that baby come _out _yet?''

Sarah laughs and rubs her four month pregnant stomach. ''Afraid not, sweetie. There's still a couple more months left till he comes.''

Bray wrinkles her nose (she's not good at waiting) and squirms until Sam puts her down. ''Do you like my new dress? I made Daddy buy it for me.''

Sam and Sarah look at each other, raising their eyebrows in unison. Is there anything Dean wouldn't do for that little girl?

(No)

Before they have a chance to compliment her, the door opens and Bobby and Ellen step inside, arms full of gifts. As soon as she sees them, Bray squeals happily and claps her hands together in delight. ''Grandpa! Auntie Ellen!''

At the term of 'endearment', Bobby scowls and shoots a look towards his wife. ''Why is it that you get Auntie Ellen and I get Grandpa?''

''It's 'cause you're old!'' Bray says helpfully, earning a wide eyed, horrified look from Bobby and coughs of laughter from Sam and Sarah.

''Well,'' Ellen smirks. ''She's got you there, old man.''

''Don't worry,'' Bray says suddenly. ''I still love you.''

Bobby blinks, clears his throat and then nods. ''Thank you, Bray.''

Ellen manages to choke down her laughter as she bends down to give Bray a hug. ''Hey, kiddo, happy birthday. Where's your dad?''

Right on cue, there's a crash from the kitchen and Dean's voice echoes through the house. ''Fuck!''

Bray shakes her head and smiles overdramatically. ''That's five dollars now, Daddy!''

''Shit!''

''Six dollars!''

Pause. ''Sorry!''

She rolls her eyes and turns back to the rest of her family, shrugging her shoulders. ''He's baking,'' she says as if that explains everything.

Apparently it does. The adults exchange horrified glances and then Ellen sighs and moves towards the kitchen. ''Dean Winchester!'' She yells when she pushes open the door to the kitchen and smoke billows out. ''You know you're not supposed to bake!'' And then she takes a deep breath and enters the smoke.

Bray blinks and looks after her for a moment before taking in a gulp of air and turning back to the rest of her party guests. ''Anyhoo, guess what?'' She doesn't give them a chance to respond before she claps her hands and jumps up and down. ''I have a new imaginary friend!''

''Another one?'' Bobby asks, setting down the presents in his arms. ''What happened to Jose?''

''Jose?'' Sam frowns. ''I thought it was Heraldo.''

''Really?'' Sarah arches an eyebrow. ''I thought it was Henry.''

''Actually,'' Bray pipes up. ''It was Buster. But, Buster's gone. He ran away.'' She sniffs and flips her hair. ''He couldn't handle me.''

The three adults in front of her wait a moment to respond, exchanging glances and then Sam shrugs and says, ''Sounds about right.''

''This one,'' Bray lowers her voice into a whisper and leans forwards, forcing them to do the same. ''Is a girl.''

''Does she have a name?''

''Sure! Her name is - What?'' She whips her head around suddenly to face the wall, like there is a person there. Her family barely reacts. Bray's always had an imaginary friend. Usually she gets a new one every week. And where she gets the names they will never know. Bray silences for a moment and then nods, turning back to them. ''Can't tell you her name. Sorry.''

They laugh it off and shrug, ready to get this party started. As they move into the living room, they don't notice the faint, barely there lingering scent of sulfur and strawberries.

* * *

There is a reason why he does not bake. He really, _really _sucks at it. Which is not surprising, considering he's done it maybe twice before. But when he woke up this morning he had been determined to bake his daughter a cake. It's her fourth birthday; it has to be perfect, made from scratch, from the heart with extra love.

Yeah....o-_kay_ so there is also the fact that he forgot to buy a cake yesterday. But it's really not his fault, he had to wrap all her presents, he had to work (because in order to keep this lovely little home, someone needs to pay the bills) and on top of it all Bray has a new imaginary friend. Her imaginary friends tire him. Henry had been his least favorite. Of course that could have something to do with the fact that she had insisted on calling him 'her husband' until he left her all alone with a bunch of stuffed animals to care for.

(''I could beat him up for you.'' ''Dad_-dy_! That's my _husband_ you're talkin' about!'')

No. Seriously. He really worries about her sometimes.

But not today.

There is no time to worry today; he has a cake to bake and a little girl to take care of. This simply must be the best birthday ever. Yes, that is his motto every year. It's been three years and he still hasn't let go of the guilt over missing her first birthday.

He's in the middle of a disaster (like a 'holy shit, watch out there's fire' kind of disaster) when Ellen comes in and saves the day. With a laugh, she wipes flour from his forehead and says, ''Oh, Dean, honey what are we going to do with you?'' She shakes her head and surveys the damage. ''Well, go and change. I'll take over from here. It's safer.''

Fine by him. Baking is just not his forte. When he pushes out of the kitchen he swears he can smell the smallest trace of strawberries and something else (that can't be sulfur, can it?) but he pushes it out of his mind and climbs the stairs. He's determined to be as quick as possible, he had to get back down there before his daughter decides she detests waiting and rips open all of her presents before anyone can stop her.

Now....

....Have you ever had the feeling that someone is watching you? Ever felt like there is someone there, right behind you, just out of your reach? Ever felt like you're not alone? It's the feeling that takes over him when he enters his bedroom. It makes him freeze. Oh, come on. Not today.

He knows this feeling, knows it too well. He was a hunter for a long time; he knows what it feels like when a ghost looks straight at you. Instincts kick in and he turns around, ignoring the way his heart races too fast. There's nothing there, of course. His hunter instincts tell him to double check, _make sure_ there is nothing there. But then he tells himself he is not a hunter anymore. He's...He's a mechanic, he's a father, he's just a regular guy.

Besides, there's nothing there anyways. What could be there?

* * *

''Are you sure you don't want me to stay?'' Sam asks for the millionth time. ''I could help clean up.''

Dean is seriously beginning to wonder who the older brother is here. For the past hour and a half, Sam has delayed his departure until Sarah finally got fed up and ordered him to get his shit together they were leaving. Don't mess with a pregnant woman. Especially not _that_ pregnant woman.

''That's tempting,'' Dean says, tilting his head to the side with a small smirk. ''But you should probably get your tired and pregnant wife home before she throws one of her shoes at you.''

''That....would be bad,'' Sam allows. ''However - ''

''No. No 'however'. You don't need to worry about me, Sammy.''

Sam looks doubtful, eyes narrowed as he stares at his brother with that annoying look on his face that can see through the walls his brother puts up. ''Dean, I know how it is for you on Bray's birthday. Without Ruby...''

For a second, the pain is so intense his grip on the door tightens and his jaw twitches, but it passes quickly and he breathes, the smirk on his face only wavering once. ''Sam, I promise I'm fine. It's just another day.'' But that's a lie and he knows it. Bray's birthdays are always hard on him (not that he will ever admit that) because there's a part of him that sees things the way it should be. Ruby, smiling and laughing, clapping and praising her baby daughter as blows out the candles. His arm tucked securely around her waist. And maybe if he's being honest, a child's wish for a little brother or sister.

_But_ that life is only a dream, a fractured and torn reminder of what could have been. _This_ is his life, alone at night in an empty bed that feels too big, living life on autopilot just for his daughter.

And he'll pretend he's fine, he'll always pretend and Sam will always be able to see straight through. That's just the way it works.

''Personally,'' Sam says, jolting him back to the present. ''I don't believe you. I know you're lying. But unfortunately, you're also right about Sarah. She gets cranky when she's - ''

His sentence is rudely cut off when his wife lays on the horn. ''Sam! Get a move on! I'm tired and your _spawn_ is kicking me!''

Sam sighs and drops his head into his hands with a groan.

Dean shoots him a grin. ''Yeah...._good_ luck with that.''

His brother glares and shakes his head. ''Tell Bray I love her.'' Then he turns, off to go face his pregnant wife. Honestly, the man can face war, he can face every hellish creature on earth but he cannot face his pregnant wife.

Dean laughs lightly and shuts the door after Sam, moving into the living room. It's been a long night and he's tired, he's love to get some sleep. But he's got a long night of cleaning ahead of him. Dirty dishes, wrapping paper, all of his daughter's new toys. God. Never would have thought a four year old would be the one to finally domesticate him. The prospect of cleaning fills him with dread and he's barely managed to choke down a groan when he sees her. And suddenly he doesn't feel so bad anymore.

Her small body is sprawled out on the couch, surrounded in wrapping paper, her new party dress that she just had to have wrinkled and stained with chocolate cake. He smiles because he just can't help it and bends down to her level, gently sweeping her hair out of her face. ''Lila Bray,'' he murmurs, plucking wrapping paper from her small body. ''Did you have a good birthday?''

She smiles sleepily and opens her eyes. ''The best.''

''Glad to hear it, sugar.''

She's tired and half asleep so getting her upstairs to bed, out of her dress and into her pajamas is not an easy thing. But he does it anyways (hey, you know what, he's pretty good at this whole daddy thing). He's just pressed a kiss to her forehead and whispered, ''Goodnight, sugar,'' when she speaks.

''Daddy....'' She reaches out and catches his arm, sending him a grin. ''You...You were right...'bout Mommy.''

''What about her?''

''She _is_ beautiful.''

He frowns and studies her carefully, swallowing. ''How do you know that?''

There's a pause and he thinks she's fallen asleep. Much to his surprise, she yawns and speaks the six little words that literally stop his heart. ''Because she's standing right behind you.''

And _that_ is how it all starts.

* * *

_**Sam Wheat:**__ Now do you believe in ghosts?  
_**-Ghost**

**end chapter eight**

* * *

**AN: And we've entered the time jump. So far I'm loving writing this new Lila Bray. She's adorable. So, yeah, I managed to make everyone but Dean happy. Isn't that just like me?**


	9. it has to be the salt

_AN: Well....at least this chapter isn't late. It's got some interesting developments in it though._

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing. Like, at all. 'Cept Lila Bray.

* * *

**a ghost of you is all that i have left**

_Written by Becks Rylynn_

* * *

_Chapter Nine:_

* * *

_**Paige Matthews:**__ Do you believe in magic?  
__**Henry Mitchell:**__ I don't know. I don't think about it much. Why?  
__**Paige Matthews:**__ I think it's time that you did.  
_**-Charmed, Repo Manor**

* * *

He tries so hard to ignore what happened that night, he tries to put it to the back of his mind. She was half asleep; she had probably been having a dream. Ruby's_ gone_.

Life moves on, the earth keeps spinning; he keeps raising Bray, keeps treating her like a princess, like she is the most precious thing in the world. Eventually, after a couple weeks, the night becomes a blur, just something that happened. It didn't mean anything. He's got too much to worry about. He starts thinking about schools because everybody keeps telling him she should be starting kindergarten in the fall. He wonders what the hurry is. Besides, she's...she's smaller than other kids her age, what if they pick on her? He doesn't think he could take it if she came home crying.

Or what if the teacher turns out to be evil? That happened once with Sam and it wasn't pretty.

She loves her new imaginary friend. So far this new unnamed friend is the only one to last longer than a week. He's not sure how he feels about this new friend. Oh, well. Maybe he's just jealous.

''Lila Bray,'' he says, on a bright day even though there's no sun. She's having a tea party with her stuffed animals, a feather boa wrapped around her neck, a sparkling, plastic tiara on her head.

''Yes, Daddy?''

''Would you like to go to school?''

She looks up and frowns curiously, tilting her head to the side, pushing up the tiara on her head when it slides to the side. ''I don't know,'' she mulls. She blinks and seems to think about it for a moment before she turns to the empty chair across from her. ''What do you think?''

Dean arches an eyebrow and bites down on his bottom lip in an attempt to stop himself from saying something.

She nods and ''mmmhmms'' for a few seconds before fixing her gaze on him. ''She says you shouldn't be so afraid of letting me go. She says you should know by now that I'll always come back to you.''

He blinks slowly and licks his lips, leaning against the doorway. ''Uh-huh. And who is this mysterious 'she'? Does she have a name yet?''

''Yes,'' Bray says, matter-of-factly. ''Her name is Strawberry.''

He shakes his head and laughs, moving farther into the room. ''I don't know where you get your names, baby girl.''

She smiles, but then suddenly whips her head back to the empty chair. ''What?'' Slowly, a smile covers her face and she lets out a small laugh, before clearing her throat and turning back to her father. ''Daddy, she says you should join us.''

His mouth drops open and for a moment, he can't find the words. A tea party? Oh, hell no. ''Uh, you know, babe, I'm afraid that might ruin my image.''

However, with one pout, Bray has him on one of the tiny little chairs. ''Now....'' She smiles brightly and claps her hands together in delight. ''Don't you two look nice.''

* * *

He's starting to wonder about this new imaginary friend of hers. She's always talking to her, always chatting away with someone he can't see. He thinks this new friend of hers may be an adult by the things his daughter says _she_ says. That worries him even more. Being in the hunting community for so long, he has heard horror stories about ghosts and demons attaching themselves to families. So....what if his baby is getting all chummy with a demon? Or a ghost?

She's not supposed to be around that life.

That life is supposed to be behind him.

Fearing she's in danger, he lines her room with salt one night. He never plans on her reaction.

''Daddy!''

He is woken in the middle of the night by her terrified scream and his heart starts pounding loudly. However, when he stumbles into her room he doesn't see some horrible monster ready to take her away. All he sees is a scared little girl, crying her eyes out in her bed. ''Lila Bray,'' he whispers, sitting down next to her. ''Sugar, what's wrong?'' He moves to pull her into his arms but her little fists push him away as she scrambles out of the bed and to her feet.

''Strawberry!'' She wails. ''She's gone! Daddy, you have to bring her back! You _have_ to!'' Her sobs are loud and uncontrollable, wails of fear as she looks around the room, desperately searching for someone who isn't there.

He swallows and rises to his feet. The salt. It has to be the salt. It's keeping _her_ out. ''Lila Bray...'' He's lifted her into his arms before she can protest, his voice sharp and firm. ''Baby,_ listen _to me.'' Her sobs grow quieter at the sound of his voice and she peers up at him with a trembling lip and tear filled eyes. ''I need you to tell me about Strawberry, all right?'' She sniffles and nods. ''Is she your age?''

''N-No.'' She shakes her head and more tears slip from her eyes. ''She-She's older. Like you.''

''Is she - ''

''She's a ghost!'' She's too distraught to see that the firm look on his face falters for a moment and he sucks in a breath but doesn't let it out. ''She's a ghost, Daddy, I'm sorry,'' she moans. ''I'm sorry I didn't tell you.'' He sets her down on the ground, afraid he'll drop her in his moment of breaking. ''I'm sorry, bu-but she's not bad! She's good, I know it. I can feel it!'' She puts a hand over her heart and looks up at him with eyes that beg him to believe her. ''I can feel it in_ here_.''

''Sweetheart - ''

''Please.....'' She sobs and she's crying so hard he starts to worry she'll make herself sick. ''Please give her back! _Please._''

Her cries and pleas are gut wrenching, they make him feel sick inside. Maybe he hates ghosts with a passion, but his daughter seems to _need_ this one and he _needs_ her to stop crying. The chance he's taking here is big, he's always going to be on edge now, pulled back into that world with a whoosh, but he takes the risk anyways. And he breaks the salt line.

A moment passes and then Bray whirls around to face the bed, her eyes lighting up. ''You came back!'' She rushes forwards and throws herself into the arms of someone he cannot see. ''Where did you go?!'' She cries. ''I woke up and you weren't there! You can't leave me again! You _can't_!''

He can only watch as a ghost (a ghost he can't see, no less) comforts his daughter. Her cries stop after a few moment of whimpering and he should be getting out the rock salt gun, in any other case that's what he would be doing. But this is different. This ghost, this _person_ feels different. Bray sniffles and her voice comes out wobbly and shaky but it's there. _''Stars shining bright above you, night breezes seem to whisper ''I love you''; birds singin' in the sycamore tree; dream a little dream of me....''_

He feels like he can't breathe, like the walls are closing in on him. His baby girl is in love with a ghost. What the hell is he supposed to do now?

(''Dean, I don't know what to tell you, the house isn't haunted. No mysterious deaths, no burial ground. It's a perfectly normal house.'' ''Then who the fuck is haunting my daughter?'')

* * *

He strongly dislikes this ghostie. She may be harmless, but she's fucking annoying. Always butting into his life like she belongs there. He has his suspicions, he'd have to be a fool not to, but (like everything else that causes him pain) he pushes them to the back of his mind and doesn't deal. They're not important. Bray is. She is all that matters. She is the only reason that he's putting up with this nosy ghost. He doesn't know who this strange woman haunting his daughter is, but Bray needs her and he'd do anything for her. So, he deals.

He's pretty sure she knows he doesn't like her. He thinks she might be trying to get him to like her. She watches him sometimes, late at night, he can feel her. It feels strangely familiar. He comes home from work one day, frazzled and tired and gets the distinct feeling ghost gal is trying to comfort him when he feels cold air on his shoulder like someone has put their hand there.

Okay, this is getting weird.

He realizes that one day when he loses his keys and calls out, ''Have either of you girls seen my keys?'' They're in his hand in an instant, with a rush of cold air and a click of heels and he smiles and says, ''Thanks'' like it's no big deal. Of course then he realizes he's smiled at her and covers it up with a roll of his eyes.

Oh no. No, no, no. There is no fucking way he is growing _fond_ of this woman. He's had some pretty screwed up relationships in the past and he's not about to go and add to that list with a ghost. He tries to dislike her with all he has in him, he tries to loathe her because of what she is, tries _so hard_. But _hey_....he has a child with a _demon_; a ghost might just be a step up.

Their life almost becomes normal, a routine. There's a man, a woman and a child. It's almost like a real family. Bray changes her name to Blue because she says Blue doesn't like the name Strawberry. He rolls his eyes. ''But she likes the name _Blue?''_

''Well,'' Bray shrugs. ''She has blue eyes.''

He laughs it off and shakes his head. They continue on with their odd lifestyle.

But then....

Bray gets the flu one night. She ends up throwing up all over herself in the middle of the night and he's trying to clean her up, but she's struggling against him, moaning and crying. Finally, after a few moments of him desperately trying, two ghostly hands push him out of the way and Blue takes over. The sick little girl doesn't protest one bit as invisible hands tug her pukey nightgown over her head, pulling a clean one on. A burst of jealousy rushes through him and his eyes darken, although you can't tell since they're standing _in the dark. _He is the one who has raised her, he's her father. Not to mention she has a mother, she has a mother who loved her and no one is_ ever _allowed to replace Ruby.

Once the girl has fallen into a fitful, feverish slumber, he sets his jaw and turns to the empty room. ''She doesn't need you, you know. _I_ am her father, I can take care of her myself.'' The words come out harsh and cold and for a moment all there is, is dead silence.

And then the mirror on Bray's vanity fogs over and words appear. _Don't be an asshole. Let me help you._

He scowls and crosses her arms. ''I don't need help. Especially not yours.''

Pause. _You don't like me._

''No shit.''

_Not going anywhere. Better get used to me._

''Oh, why don't you just go and roam around a graveyard moaning or somethin'? I can handle this.''

_Fine._

''Fine!''

In response, a bottle of cough syrup is roughly shoved at his chest and he hears heels click on the floor as she walks away. He gets the distinct impression that is her way of saying, _Fuck you, Dean._

Well, fine.

He doesn't need her.

* * *

Oh, crap.

He needs her.

He loses his keys five times, (in _three _days) he burns his lip on the coffee, he breaks countless plates, and the smoke alarm goes off when he tries to make dinner. And then the fun really starts. The fire extinguisher has somehow fallen off the counter and landed on his foot, causing him to turn around and smack into the counter, hand hitting the hot stove, earning a yelp from him and then....wait. How did he get on the floor? Groaning, he pulls himself off the ground, holding his burned hand. ''What the _hell_ is going on here?''

''Daddy?''

He turns around to face his daughter. Her hair is disheveled from being stuck in bed for three days and she's still sniffling but at least she's not as pale as she was. At the sight of her father, in his current condition, her eyes widen and slowly a grin stretches across her face. ''Whoa. Daddy, you really made her mad.''

''She'll get over it.'' Three, two, one. He whirls back around to face Bray, eyes widening. ''Wait a minute. _She's_ the one doing this?''

Bray nods. ''Uh-huh. And she thinks it's real funny too. She's laughing at you.''

''Where?'' He whirls around in several directions. ''Where is she? Blue! Stop this now!''

''She says no. Not until you say sorry.''

''For what?''

''For being an....'' Bray pauses and arches an eyebrow, turning towards Blue. ''I'm not allowed to say that word.''

''Okay!'' He bursts out, holding his hands in surrender. ''I'm sorry!''

''And what are you sorry for?''

''For being a - ''

'' - Meanie?''

He sighs. ''Yes. For being a meanie.'' He waits for something to happen and then a ghostly hand grabs his burned hand and pulls him towards the sink. The faucet turns on and she pushes his hand under cold water.

Bray steps closer and eyes the kitchen for a moment before she sighs and turns around, starting towards the living room. ''I'll get the pizza menu.''

Left alone with a ghost, Dean takes a breath and looks at the space she's standing, pretending he can see her. ''All right, look...'' He sighs heavily like this is the hardest thing he's ever had to do. Well, it certainly isn't easy. Talking to a person you can't see. ''Maybe...Maybe I was wrong. About you. Maybe Lila Bray could use a woman in her life. I mean, she...her mother's...gone. Maybe it would be nice for her to have you.'' Cold air brushes his cheek, a hand he can't feel and he swears for a second that they've been here before. ''So, I'm sorry. I really am sorry, okay?''

There's a long pause and he wonders if she'll answer. She does. A different kind of cold air touches his cheek, like lips grazing his cheeks and his breath catches in his throat. ''Jesus,'' he mutters, laughing somewhat nervously. ''What am I getting myself into?''

The window above the sink fogs over. _You have no idea._

He swallows thickly and waits for the fluttering in his stomach to go away.

Oh, boy.

* * *

Sam and Sarah's son is born a week late and there are complications.

He gets the phone call after he's heaved a heavy laundry basket onto his bed (because that's the kind of guy he is now, the kind who does _laundry_ and folds it nicely instead of tossing it into a duffel bag that has seen better days). From what he understands (and it's kind of hard to understand any of Sam's terrified rambling) the baby is fine, a healthy baby boy, but Sarah is not. He catches the word 'hemorrhaging' somewhere in there. And he doesn't know a whole lot about childbirth, he wasn't even there when Bray was born, but he knows that is not good.

When he walks back into the room in a daze, the laundry is in the process of being folded by a ghost. ''That was Sam.'' His voice is soft and quiet and he just can't handle anymore heartache in his life. Sam can't either.

The piece of clothing that is being folded flutters to the bed and he hears heels click as she moves over to him. ''Something went wrong with Sarah and the baby. Sarah's....Sarah's in pretty bad shape.'' He sits down on the bed, letting out a heavy sigh. ''Sam's a wreck.'' The bedsprings squeak as she sits down next to him, her ghostly hand on his back. ''What if she dies, Blue? Sam....he'll end up just like me. He can't end up like me.''

It's times like these he wishes he could touch her.

''He's already lost so much. He can't lose anymore.'' He feels that familiar burn behind his eyes and squeezes his eyes shut, running a hand over a tired face. Coldness envelops him, like she's wrapped her arms around him and he does not shiver one bit.

And he wonders how this happened. How can he care about a ghost this much, when he can't even touch her? It doesn't make sense. But...what in his life does make sense?

* * *

After being asleep for four days (four _long_ days) Sarah opens her eyes. Both Winchester brothers are there when she opens her eyes and the reunion is happy and the first thing that's gone right in a long time. She asks about her baby and she and Sam have their first moment as parents and then, when Sam has gone to get some coffee, she turns tired but happy eyes to her brother in law.

''She's...She's beautiful, Dean.''

He arches an eyebrow. ''Who is?''

She smiles slowly. ''The woman who was with Bray.''

His lips twitch and curve into a smile. He hasn't told anyone about Blue. It's the one part of his life that Sam doesn't know. Tilting his head to the side, he grins and looks at her carefully. ''I had a feeling she would be.''

That's when it hits him.

He's falling in love with a ghost.

* * *

_''The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.''  
_**-Helen Keller**

**end chapter nine**

* * *

**AN: Yeah, that's right. I went there. I **_**totally**_** went there. This story just took an interesting turn, didn't it?**


	10. kind of magical

_AN: Yay, another chapter. This one is mostly just filler; Dean's relationship with his ghostie gal and it's kind of short, but it's set up for some important events._

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing.

* * *

**a ghost of you is all that i have left**

_Written by Becks Rylynn_

* * *

_Chapter Ten:_

* * *

_**Allie:**__ They fell in love, didn't they?  
__**Duke:**__ Yes, they did.  
_**-The Notebook**

* * *

And it goes like this....

Who would have thought Dean Winchester would ever fall in love with a ghost? He certainly didn't. But, that's what he's done. Somewhere along the way, he has fallen hard for someone he can't even see. How screwed up is that?

He doesn't tell her of his feelings. To be honest, he's....well, he's afraid. Yeah, yeah, the big bad Dean Winchester afraid of a woman? Well, what if she doesn't feel the same way? What if when she was alive she had a family and all he and Bray are is a replacement family? What about _Ruby_? There's still some part of him that believes he's betraying her. He fears if he gives into Blue, he'll forget Ruby.

The most embarrassing part of this whole 'falling in love' thing is he starts acting like a bumbling idiot when he's around her. And since it's incredibly hard to know when he is around her he pretty much acts like a bumbling idiot every moment of every day.

''Daddy,'' Bray says seriously. ''Blue wants to know if you're okay.''

''Okay!'' He laughs loudly and Bray shares a look with Blue that clearly says _he's lost his mind._ ''Of course I'm _okay, _why wouldn't I be _okay_?''

''She says you're acting a little strange. And you're always avoidin' her. She wants to know if she's done something wrong.''

He sighs and smiles slightly, shaking his head. ''No. No, she hasn't done anything wrong.''

He's the lovesick fool, not her.

No one really approves of his....whatever it is he has with her.....except Sam. Bobby and Ellen tell him it's not fair to keep her from crossing over. Missouri warns him that it's ''gonna get messy, child.'' However, all Sam says is ''Leave it to you to fall for a ghost, big brother.''

Ugh, it's just all so confusing. Stupid...._feelings_.

''God, Dean,'' Sam says one day, out of the blue (no pun intended) as he lifts his son out of his crib. ''You're really hung up on this girl, aren't you?''

''No.'' The elder Winchester scoffs and tries to wave it off, but Sam (as usual) can see right through him. With one raised eyebrow, Dean sighs and caves. ''Yes.''

''So, why don't you do something about it?''

''Uh, hello, where have you been?'' Dean looks at his brother like he's lost his mind and sinks into the rocking chair in the nursery. ''She's a _ghost_.''

''Dude, you dated a_ demon_.''

''There is a big difference between Ruby and Blue, Sam. For starters, I could see Ruby, I could touch her, I could fu - ''

''Hey.'' Sam tosses him a glare and points a warning finger in his direction. ''Infant in the room.''

''Sam, how am I supposed to be with someone I can't even see?''

''Haven't you ever heard the saying 'love conquers all'?''

''Yes,'' Dean snorts. ''Because that's worked out so well for me in the past.''

Sam studies him for a moment and then smirks slowly. ''Do you know what I think?''

''Oh, geez.''

''I think this is about Ruby.''

Well, of course it's about Ruby. Somehow it always comes back to Ruby, doesn't it? It's like he's doomed to only love her for the rest of his miserable, grief filled life. Totally unfair. Shaking his head, he chokes down a sigh and focuses his gaze elsewhere. ''It's not about Ruby.''

''You're lying.''

''Sam....''

''Dean....'' Sam looks at his brother closely and takes a few steps closer. ''She would want you to be happy. She would want you to move on. You can't hang onto her forever.''

Dean takes a breath.

* * *

He has just put Bray to sleep and all is dark and quiet in the kitchen as he sits alone, trying to think about something other than Blue. And then he just can't take it anymore. It's driving him crazy. _She_ is driving him crazy. This is just one thing he can't keep in anymore. ''Blue....'' He whispers, instantly feeling cold air beside him. He pretends he can see her. ''Blue,'' he sighs and rises to his feet. ''I need to tell you something.''

_Is something wrong, Dean?_ She spells out in sugar on the table.

''No,'' he says. ''Not _wrong_. Just....All right, look....I'm just going to come out and say it. Do you think if things were different, if you were alive....do you think we could be...._something_?''

There is only silence next, it's long and horrible and he can't take it. He knows she's there, he can still feel her but she's not doing anything. See, this is why he prefers to keep things to himself. It's not a habit, it's not something he _must_ do or he'll die, it's just safer. It keeps the hurt away. ''Blue....''

_I don't think this is a good idea._

''Why not?''

_What if I hurt you?_

''What if you don't?''

No reply.

He crosses his arms and leans against the counter, pretending he's perfectly in control when really he's not. ''Tell me you don't have feelings for me.''

_I can't do that._

''So, you do have feelings for me?''

_Yes._

''Kiss me.'' It comes out on an impulse, just something he has to do, something he has to say.

_What?_

''Blue, just....kiss me. Kiss me now and then tell me we can't be together.'' He doesn't know what he's doing, he's obviously not thinking clearly. Except....that's a lie. He is thinking clearly. When nothing happens, he sighs and tries to find the right words to say. ''Blue - ''

But that's all he gets out before freezing cold lips attack his own. The one thing that goes through his mind is that this feels somehow familiar. But she's kissing him. _Blue _is kissing him. He's too happy to think about anything at the moment. She pulls away and he opens his eyes reluctantly. ''So....does that mean....?''

_Yes. It means yes. I want to be with you._

He smiles, the first real smile he's worn in a long time. This is the part where he would normally wrap his arms around her and pull her close, but he can't do that with Blue. She's different. Grinning, he tilts his head to the side and stares deeply at the space she should be. ''So....can you kiss me again?''

She kisses him again.

* * *

''Do you love her?'' Bray asks.

''Yes,'' he answers honestly.

''Do you love her like you loved Mommy?''

He pauses and thinks long and hard. ''No.''

* * *

It's inevitable really. They start sharing a bed after a few months (which is odd because_ technically _she doesn't need to sleep and _technically_ he can't touch her so they can't really do anything) and he gets used to using extra blankets at night to deal with the cold air beside him. Actually, it just happens one night. They're going slowly and carefully and one night, he just can't help himself. He whispers to the darkness just one word. Just one word that changes everything. ''Stay.''

She stays.....

.....And never leaves.

It's a bizarre relationship, one could mistake it for nothing it at all. It's not like they can have sex, they only kiss a few times, it's the first real relationship he's had that isn't based on the physical. This one is based on the feeling he gets when he's with her. That scares him more than he'd like to admit because _the physical_ is what he's good at. It's what's safe to him. This is whole new territory.

But he does it anyways and after awhile, he finds it's not that scary after all. They're like a real family. Odd and dysfunctional, but _real._

He does end up sending Bray off to school, with a smile and a nervous heart. A ghost holds his hand as he watches his little girl go into the world on her own. She comes home with exciting tales and if he could, he'd wrap an arm around Blue and hold her close as he listens to his daughter tell tales of her adventures.

Bray turns five and he still doesn't have the reality he used to wish for. He still can't tuck an arm around Blue's waist and there will be no little siblings, but he knows she's there, clapping and praising Bray as she blows out her candles. That's enough for him. He has something more than nothing this year.

He teaches Bray how to ride a bike one day and that night, he sighs as the memory of his daughter riding away from him plays over and over again in his mind. ''You know,'' he says to the ghost next to him, remembering Bray's cries of, ''Daddy, don't let go!'' ''There will be a day when all she's going to want is for me to let her go.'' He feels her take his hand. ''I hope that day never comes.'' With an intake of breath, he turns to the empty space that isn't all that empty and he smirks. ''You'll never leave me, will you?''

She traces the word, _Never_ on his chest.

He'll never tell Bray that he's jealous of her. Just a little bit. She can see Blue, touch her. He can't. But he's got enough for now.

Their life is....weird. Eccentric, bizarre, odd, strange, kind of magical. Their life is.....incredibly supernatural. It's a strange kind of happy, a different kind of life but they take what they can get.

It's been about a year and a half since Blue came into their lives and life is pretty damn good.

That's when Dean finds out that sometimes, the one you love the most betrays you, people keep things hidden for a reason and love truly does stink.

* * *

_''Cats are known to see within the dark. Yet, if you had sight like a cat, even for one day, would you really want to see what's in the dark?''  
_**-Anonymous**

**end chapter ten**

* * *

**AN: So....is anyone still reading this story? Anyone? Anyone?**


	11. to feel something other than numb

_AN: Okay, so I'm not sure if anyone is reading this anymore, but I've decided - fuck it, I'm going to post the rest anyways, because it is MINE and I LOVE it._

**Disclaimer:** Don't own SPN, don't own quotes, don't own song, don't own nothin'.

* * *

**a ghost of you is all that i have left**

_Written by Becks Rylynn_

* * *

_Chapter Eleven:_

* * *

_''Secrets are made to be found out with time.''  
_**-Charles Sanford**

* * *

And it goes like this....

He's never asked. Not once. It's not really something he's thought about. Until now. One day, he just feels like he needs to know. It's an overwhelming burst of curiosity that brings him to Sam and Sarah's one afternoon after he's picked up Bray from school. Sam's at work (actually, he should probably be getting back to work too) and Nicky's just woken from his nap so the house is filled with crying. As soon as the baby sees Bray, he goes crazy, squealing and clapping and struggling in his mother's arms.

''Hey, little man,'' Bray grins. ''How's tricks?''

Dean blinks and looks down at his daughter. She sounds just like her mother. ''Lila Bray, why don't you take your cousin into the living room for a minute, all right?''

She shrugs, but takes the baby in her arms anyways.

''He adores her,'' Sarah says with a laugh once the kids are out of earshot.

''Yeah,'' Dean smiles faintly and leans against the doorway, crossing his arms. ''Listen, Sarah, I wanted to talk to you about something.''

She pauses in her attempts to make coffee and turns around to face him, smirking slightly. ''Well, this sounds serious.''

He doesn't smile, doesn't smirk, barely even breathes. Truth is he's feeling a little guilty. Keeping something from Blue, especially when it has to do with her. It doesn't feel right. For the love of God, what is she doing to him? ''I was...I was just wondering how much you remember about being in the coma.''

''Oh.'' Sarah smiles gently (and for a moment he's reminded of his mother because she used to have that same gentle smile) and sits down at the table. ''I remember everything.''

''Right.'' He clears his throat nervously and sits down across from her, focusing his gaze on the table. ''Sarah, can you tell me....can you tell me.....?''

Slowly, she leans forwards and lifts his chin, meeting his eyes. ''You want to know about your girl.'' It's not a question; he can tell she knows exactly what he wants. Is he really that transparent?

''Yes,'' he says finally. ''I do.''

She purses her lips. ''Dean, does Blue know you're here?''

''For God's sake, Sarah, it's not like the woman has me on a leash.'' He sees her smirks but she doesn't say a word. He rolls his eyes. ''Look,'' his voice softens slightly as he leans forwards. ''Sare, I just want to know what she looks like.''

''Dean.'' She arches an eyebrow and leans back in her chair. ''You're in love with a _ghost._ How much weirder can this relationship get?''

''Well,'' he snaps defensively. ''What if she's some eighty seven year old grandmother or somethin'? Or...Or what if she's like thirteen. Thirteen!''

She laughs and shakes her head. ''I can assure you she's of age....and also not a granny.'' When he sighs impatiently and shoots her a look, she holds her hands up in surrender. ''Okay, okay, fine. I'll tell you.'' She pauses a moment and her eyes crinkle when she smiles. ''She's...early to mid twenties. She's thin, pretty. Uh, blond hair, blue eyes....''

The entire room freezes and he's suddenly really glad he's sitting down. The coldness that sweeps over him is not the there's-a-ghost-in-the-room kind of cold, it's more like the blood-has-stopped-pumping kind of cold. He blinks and watches as it all crumbles down around him. No. No way. There's just no way. It's just a coincidence, that's all.

''And her smile....'' Sarah smiles fondly, lost in her memories. ''From what I saw, she has this smile....different from anything I've ever seen. It's hard to explain. It's almost...almost.....''

''Sad?'' He fills in for her, air barely reaching his lungs. ''And...And crooked?''

Sarah blinks in surprise and nods slowly. ''Y-Yeah, how'd you know?''

He's not sure what the feeling is that is slowly seeping into his veins. Anger? Sadness? Happiness? He tries to breathe, he tries to calm down but he can't. It's not possible, it's not. She's gone, she's gone, she's _gone_. ''Did she...Did she remind you of Lila Bray?''

''Actually, now that you mention it - ''

''Jesus Christ.'' His stomach is churning and his head is pounding and he's pretty sure he's going to pass out. He drops his head into his hands, trying desperately to think clearly.

''Dean?''

''Fuck!'' His fist slams down onto the table loudly and he completely misses Sarah jumping nearly a foot out of her chair before a glare settles on her face. This just can't be happening. This is a nightmare. Yes, that's it. A horrible nightmare that he'll wake up from soon.

''Dean,'' Sarah speaks softly, but her voice is firm. ''What is going on?''

He smirks wryly and thinks he should be pacing, yelling, cursing, crying, doing _something._ But he can't find the energy to yell and curse, his legs won't support him and he's determined not to let the tears fall. ''Oh, nothin', I've just gone and fallen in love with someone I was already in love with.''

* * *

He feels numb as he slowly walks into the living room and sinks onto the couch. Completely numb. He thinks it would be a relief to feel something other than numb. Anger maybe? Oh, it would be so nice to be angry right about now.

Sarah walks in after him, her eyes wide, her body trembling as she lifts her son into her arms, mumbling something about feeding him before disappearing into the kitchen.

''Daddy?'' Bray turns and frowns, hopping onto the seat next to her father, her frown deepening at his appearance. ''Daddy, you look sick.''

His eyes aren't focusing as he stares ahead at the wall, trying to understand. ''I don't....I don't understand,'' he mutters.

''What?''

''How could I...How did I not know?''

''D-Daddy?''

He shakes his head, closes his eyes and the pain kicks in. ''Her kisses...they were always so...familiar.....I could.....I could feel her...and she was like....she always felt like home. I should have known, _I should have known._''

''Daddy.'' Her small voice is trembling and when he looks at her, he sees the tears in her eyes and he knows she knows. ''Daddy,'' she whispers again. ''You're scaring me.''

''Oh, Lila Bray....'' He smiles sadly and tucks a stray strand of her blond hair behind her ear. ''You've been lying to me for a long time, haven't you?''

Tears slip out of her eyes and for the first time in a long time (forever actually) he doesn't rush to comfort her. Slowly, slowly, slowly, she nods and stares down at her lap. ''Y-Yes.''

He doesn't know what to say. He doesn't know how to express the anger and disappointment. She used to be the one person he could always count on to _tell the truth_. To _never lie_. And here she is and she's lied to him for a year and a half.

''I'm sorry,'' she cries, but he shakes his head.

''Her name....'' He starts and this time his voice is shaking and raw. ''….Is not Blue. She has blond hair, blue eyes, a crooked smile and she is your mother. But...you already knew that. I'm guessing you knew from the start. How am I doing so far, Bray?''

To her, that is the ultimate slap in the face. Worse than anything he could do to her. She's always been his Lila Bray. Never in her life has he called her Bray. She sobs harder and launches herself at him. ''I'm sorry, Daddy! I'm so sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.''

He closes his eyes and feels the tears escape, crying with her, but he still feels too numb to hug her back.

* * *

He is still hoping this is some horrible nightmare world that he will wake up from. After all these years, he's still hoping he'll wake up on that first night back and she'll be sleeping soundly next to him alive and well and Bray will be sleeping peacefully in her crib. For _years_ he's believed they were (once upon a time) simply....star crossed. Just two people who, try as they might, could never find their way back to each other. When he was here, she was there, when he was there, she was here, and they never, ever met in the middle. Turns out she's been here all along. In the shadows, just out of reach.

The door shuts behind him and the sound of the slam is like the sound of the world falling. ''Blue....'' He sighs tiredly and glances around the room. ''Blue, I need to talk to you.''

Instantly, there's a whoosh of cold air and he feels the cold move to his face like she's asking him what's wrong.

He flinches away and moves past her, sitting slowly on the couch. He's not really sure what he's planning on doing, he's pretty much just making this up as he goes along. ''For the longest time,'' he smiles, the sadness and remembrance etched onto his face. ''You've been like....a second chance for me.'' He laughs and shakes his head. ''Strange, I know. Considering you're a _ghost_. But I thought....with you...I could finally move on.'' When he feels her reach for his hand, he draws his hand away and stands suddenly, taking a few steps back. ''Don't. Please, just...._don't._''

And he can practically feel the hurt and confusion radiating off of her in waves. Part of him hates that he's hurting her but...but she hurt him _first._ ''You seemed almost too good to be true. I guess you were.'' His voice, soft and quiet, grows harder, angrier. _Hurt._ ''You _lied _to me. You made my _daughter_ lie to me. I thought I was falling in love with a ghost....'' He shakes his head and the anger he feels is so intense it's nearly painful. ''But all I was doing was falling in love with my past. See,'' he smirks bitterly. ''There was never a Blue, was there, Ruby?''

Exactly two minutes pass before the air shifts and shimmers in front of him and then he finds himself staring into the blue eyes of his long dead.....well, what had she been anyways? She's crying, one arm wrapped around herself, the other covering her mouth. She shakes her head slowly and moves her hand. ''No. There was just me.''

He closes his eyes but opens them almost immediately like he's afraid she won't be there. She's still there, still crying and he wants to scream at her, he wants to tell her how horrible it felt to lose her, to grieve for her, to see her in their daughter every day. But at the same time all he can think about is how badly he wants to kiss her, hold her, tell her everything he never got a chance to. But he clenches his fists and does not move an inch as he says, ''You're not who I thought you were.''

''I was going to tell you,'' she cries and it suddenly dawns on him that he's never seen her cry before. Not like this.

''Then why didn't you?''

''Because....''

''Because why?!'' He explodes, taking a step towards her. His eyes are angry, betrayal shining bright and he hates her so much for doing this to him. Making him feel this way, making him _vulnerable_.

''Because!'' Her voice is loud and shrill, a hint of panic and desperation hiding in there somewhere. ''Because you fell in love with her, Dean!''

''I fell in love with _you_.''

''No, you fell in love with _Blue!_'' She pauses for a moment, like she's waiting for him to say something. Deny it. Tell her he loves only her. When he doesn't say anything, she sighs and closes her eyes briefly, drawing in a deep, calming breath. ''You fell in love with the idea of someone else, you moved on and I got scared, okay? I was scared that if I showed myself to you I wouldn't be what you wanted.''

He doesn't say anything. What can you say to that anyways? As the silence sets in, he shakes his head and decides he can't deal with this right now. He turns and starts to stalk towards the kitchen but she follows him, her heels clicking on the floor, her voice in his ear.

''B-But I'm not scared anymore, Dean! I want to be with you, I want you to see me, I want you to love me, not _Blue_.''

When she reaches out and grasps his arms, her nails digging into his skin in desperation, he whirls around to face her, tugging his arm out of her grasp with a scowl, a rage filled gleam in his eyes. ''What if I don't want to be with you?'' He snarls, viciously. ''What if you were right? What if you're not what I want?''

She looks stunned for a moment, devastation slowly bleeding into her eyes. But whatever emotions she displays in that moment are quickly replaced by that same emotionless mask she used to wear all the time. ''Was I? Was I right?''

He can't help but sigh (because he's so tired) as he focuses his gaze on the ceiling, pinching the bridge of his nose. ''I don't know.'' Then he walks away and this time when she follows him, he doesn't say a word.

She makes a noise somewhere between a strangled sob and a tired sigh and collapses at the kitchen table, dropping her head into her hands. He closes his eyes and braces himself against the counter, back to her as he tries (_tries)_ to think. For a moment (a moment that feels like forever) the only sounds that reverberate through the room are her stifled cries and his barely controlled breathing. They look like a couple about to break, two young people who have been through the wringer more times than necessary, two parents with a fierce love for their daughter and need to keep this _twisted_ family together.

''Dean...'' She finally murmurs after the absence of sound between them becomes too much to handle. ''Touch me.''

Slowly, he turns around to face her and tries not to show her how much that comment affects him. ''W-What?'' He manages to croak out, though his mouth has gone dry and it's extremely hard to get the words out. She stands and moves closer and closer painfully slowly and his back is against the counter so he can't very well move away from her. He's stuck.

''You used to say, 'If I could touch you, I'd never let you go'. Dean....don't let me go.''

He clears his throat nervously, none too pleased at having his words thrown back at him. Somehow, as she comes closer, he manages to stutter out an answer. ''I-I could never touch you before.''

She shakes her head and smiles that same sad and crooked smile of hers. ''I didn't want you to touch me then. I want you to touch me now.''

She's as close as she can get without touching him now and he can feel how cold she is, just like always. Slowly and carefully, like he's walking on eggshells and broken glass, he reaches out a hand to touch her. After years of not touching her, not even in his dreams, he fully expects her to disappear, to wake up, like always. She doesn't disappear, he doesn't wake up, he touches her. His hand comes into contact with cold skin and he feels like breathing. Like it's the first breath he's breathed after being held underwater for years and years. ''Ruby....'' He closes his eyes and tries to breathe, slowly and evenly even though he feels he should be gasping. She moves her hand to cover his, holding it in place and he opens his eyes, blue meeting green. He kisses her before she can say another word and he remembers how she feels. Like home.

_Just like home._

She kisses him back with hunger, their Want and Need overwhelming their Logic and Sense. It's all these years later and their kisses still make the stars explode. The next thing he knows, he's flipped her around and her back is on the counter, her legs wrapped around his waist. His hands are moving up her shirt, her hands are working the buttons on his and that's when he realizes he _can't_.

''No.'' He stumbles away from her, swiping a hand over his lips. ''No,'' he growls again. ''You can't just...You can't just kiss me and expect all to be forgiven!''

She hops off the counter, hastily fixing her shirt. ''You kissed me.''

''You wanted me to touch you! You wanted me to touch you and forget all about the fact that you lied to me, that you got my _daughter_ to lie to me.''

She bites down on her lip and rakes an anxious hand through her hair. ''I'm sorry, Dean. I know, I _know_ I messed up.'' Her eyes turn pleading, taking a step forwards, stopping in her tracks when he moves backwards. ''Tell me what I have to do to fix this.''

''You can't_ fix this_, Ruby!'' He yells. ''This isn't something that can be fixed! All that stuff you said about me falling in love with Blue, you were right. I did fall in love with her. But I loved you first. I loved you fucking first!'' She flinches at the sharp language and the harsh tone of his voice but does not move an inch as he screams at her. ''And you left me all alone! You left me all alone with a baby to raise! You know what,'' he laughs bitterly. ''I should just get rid of you. Burn your - ''

''You can't.'' She whispers, just loud enough for him to hear.

''What do you mean I can't?''

''I mean....'' She looks down at the ground, swallowing hard. ''You can't burn my bones if there are no bones to burn.''

His blood runs cold and he narrows his eyes, taking a step towards her. ''Ruby, what are you talking about?''

She sighs and brings her eyes back up to his. ''My deal. She didn't just want me dead, she wanted me to suffer. My deal was she brings you back and I spend eternity as a ghost. She hid my bones somewhere no one will find them and....I'm just supposed to watch. Forever.'' She doesn't realize the grave error she's made until he turns around slowly and his eyes are murderous. She's never been scared of him before, but this....this scares her. She takes a step back.

''You mean to tell me,'' he starts and his voice isn't a growl or a snarl, it's something else entirely. Something far more frightening. ''All of this time, all these years, you could have been _helping me_?!'' She doesn't answer, but there are tears in her eyes and she's not looking at him. He closes the distance between them and grabs her shoulders, shaking her roughly. ''_Answer me_!'' To her credit, she doesn't fight back (although her eyes do flash between black and blue) because she knows that will only make the situation that much worse. ''Fuck, Ruby! Where the hell were you, huh?! Where were you when I needed you?! Where were you when our _daughter_ needed you?!''

''I'm _sorry_, Dean!'' She struggles in his arms and he lets her go.

''I'm sick of you saying _sorry_, Ruby. It's not enough.'' He can't take this anymore, he just _can't, _he needs to get out of there. So he turns and stalks towards the front door.

She chases after him, grabbing her arm before he can get any farther than the porch. ''Dean!'' He wrenches his arm out of her grip, trying to ignore her. ''Dean!'' Her voice sounds broken, strangled by sobs and it's the only reason he stops. ''Please,'' she begs. ''Please, don't let me go!''

He whips around to face her with an ugly scowl. ''Don't you get it, Ruby?! Don't you understand?! No matter how hard I try, no matter what I do, I can _never_ let you go!''

How are those for parting words?

With that said and the feeling of anger and grief weighing him down, he turns and storms off. He doesn't see her crumple to the ground in a heap of fractured, anguished cries and suffocating guilt.

* * *

_**Jake Gray:**__ Wake me up from this nightmare....please.  
_**-Devour**

**end chapter eleven**

* * *

**AN: Yeah....little Jake Gray quote at the end there. All you Jensen Ackles fans will know Jake Gray as Jensen's character in Devour. So, anyways, about the story. Yes. She is back. She is alive and kicking. Well....kicking anyways. That confrontation was by far the funnest part of the story to write. You know me and drama. Now, don't start getting all angry at Dean (for being an idiot and a little oversensitive) and Ruby (for lying) just yet. Can't have this story without the drama. It's not the same without problems and turmoil. Plus, it's fun to torture them.**


	12. wishes don't ever come true in her world

_AN: And here we go everybodies!_

**Disclaimer: **I do not own anything.

* * *

**a ghost of you is all that i have left**

_Written by Becks Rylynn_

* * *

_Chapter Twelve:_

* * *

_''No man can think clearly when his fists are clenched.''  
_**-George Jean Nathan**

* * *

Sam reacts just the way Dean expects. There's a lot of ''oh my gods'' and he's paler than usual as he paces back and forth, continuously raking his hand through shaggy hair. Bobby and Ellen react just a little differently. While Ellen has her arms wrapped around him so fast it startles him, whispering words of comfort like only a mother can, Bobby offers him a beer. It's not easy to understand, not easy to accept, everyone alternates between being angry at Ruby and feeling sorry for her. They pester Bray about every little detail until the little girl can't take it anymore and her uncle has to intercept with a soft, ''Why don't you go get ready for bed, babe?'' Because her father is too worn to form a coherent sentence.

In the end, it's nearly three in the morning by the time Bobby and Ellen head home, making promises to the elder Winchester on the way out. ''It'll all work out in the end, honey,'' Ellen says. ''It has to.''

''You and that girl....'' Bobby shakes his head slightly, glancing after his wife. ''You have a once in a lifetime thing. You two will always find your way back to each other. Sometimes it may take awhile but you're always going to end up together. I can promise you one thing boy; the way you feel about her, it's not something that goes away. Trust me.''

Well.....

.....Talk about something to think about.

It's half past three when Sam sighs and looks at his brother. ''So,'' he sighs. ''How are you doing?''

Momentarily, Dean snaps. He grabs Sam by the collar and glares at him with darkened eyes. ''My dead _fuck buddy _won't leave me alone! How do you_ think _I'm doing?!''

Sam arches an eyebrow and shakes his head. ''_Dude_,'' he says.

''I know!''

And that is the end of that conversation.

Its well after four by the time Sam finally goes to join his wife in bed and Dean is left alone with his dark thoughts. Truthfully, he's wondering why she hasn't showed up. It's not like she's connected to the house. She's connected to _him_, why hasn't she shown up, crying and pleading with him to take her back? Hey. Wait a minute. It's not just him she's connected to.

His breath catches and he quickly and quietly moves into the guest room only to find his daughter is all alone. He breathes a sigh of relief and shuts the door, leaning against it heavily. He's really not sure why he's so relieved, it's not like Ruby would ever hurt Bray. No, she only hurts him. He shakes his head and tries to calm down as he sinks back onto the couch. He's all alone again; after being with her for so long. And he remembers why he hates being alone at night so much. The night is when his old demons come back to haunt him.

He's just drawn in a shuddering breath when he looks up at the ceiling and asks (begs) for help. ''Mom,'' he whispers. ''Dad, I....I don't know what I'm supposed to do now. Please,'' he doesn't realize there's tears in his eyes until he feels them on his cheeks. ''Somebody tell me what to do.'' But when the answers don't come, he shakes his head like he's trying to shake the tears away and collapses back against the couch. He takes a moment and then another and another until he can breathe again. And then he does the only thing he can. He sings. _''Stars shining bright above you, night breezes seem to whisper ''I love you''; birds singin' in the sycamore tree; dream a little dream of me....''_

* * *

Bray opens her eyes when she's sure her daddy is gone and lets out a nervous breath. She can't sleep. It's almost like she can't remember how. Her body is tired, but her brain just won't shut off. Everybody's mad at her. Daddy, Uncle Sammy....Mommy.

Her bottom lip trembles and she feels scared, the fear like a rock in the pit of her stomach. What if mommy's gone away again? What if she doesn't come back this time? She rolls over and feels the tears drip down her face. ''Mommy....'' She whispers to the darkness. ''Mommy, I need you.'' She waits and waits but her mommy never comes. A choked cry escapes her lips but she presses them together to keep quiet. She didn't mean for things to get this bad, this _scary._

Mommy was just so...._scared_. All Bray wanted to do was make her mommy not so scared anymore. She didn't mean to forget about her daddy. She didn't! He's all she's got. She didn't mean to make him so _sad_.

And she cries because daddy's sad and angry and mommy's gone again and nobody will tell her what happens next, how the story ends. She just knows it's not supposed to end like this.

In the end when her tears have run dry, she clutches her blanket closer and sings herself to sleep. _''Say ''nighty-night'' and kiss me, just hold me tight and tell me you'll miss me; while I'm alone and blue as can be, dream a little dream of me....''_

* * *

Ruby picks herself up off the porch and stumbles inside eventually. The door swings shut behind her, even though she never touched it and as she climbs the stairs, every single light blinks out behind her.

She feels tired, so tired. Her eyes are aching, her throat is sore and her lips still tingle from his kiss. She thinks it would be nice to remember what sleep is like but she forgot that long ago. Somehow, she finds her way to the bedroom and she makes it halfway to the bed before she goes crashing to the ground, gripping bed sheets as she screams and cries. It doesn't matter. No one will hear her. No one can.

And it hurts; it hurts so bad (this guilt and heartache) because she knows everything that is happening is her fault. She made Bray lie, she made Dean believe she was someone she is not, it's _all_ her fault. After a few moments on the floor, she crawls into the bed and pretends he's there. The night's events replay in her mind and she closes her eyes and draws in a shuddering breath, trying not to remember how pathetic she had been, how close she had been to falling to the ground and grabbing onto him like a child in an attempt to keep him with her.

_''Mommy.....'' _A child's voice echoes through the empty room,_ her _child's voice,_ her baby_. _''Mommy, I need you....''_

She swallows tears and shakes her head, fingers curling tight around his pillow. ''No,'' she croaks out. ''You're better off without me. You both are.'' She hates this. All she wants to do is feel all right again, normal again. More than anything she'd love to be a proper mother, she'd love to be _his_ again. But this is just the work she has to do to keep Bray's life the way it is, with the perfect father.

When the tears subside, she lets her mind wander. And she doesn't think about Dean, she doesn't even think about Bray. She thinks about Blue.

This isn't what Blue would do. Blue wouldn't dissolve into tears and wallow in self pity, she would dedicate all her time to making this right. She'd follow Dean everywhere until he forgave her and then fall back into the role of perfect wife and perfect mother with ease. It would all work out if she was Blue, it would be resolved quickly and carefully and things would go back to the way things were. Yeah, well, Blue ain't real. Blue is a figment, a portrait of what she could have been in a perfect world.

She isn't Blue, she can't be Blue. She's just Ruby.

(And what is so wrong with being _just Ruby?_ Isn't she good enough?)

She's spent a long time wishing Blue were real, she's spent a long time wishing for a lot of things. Wishes don't ever come true in her world. She's spent a lot of time pretending to be someone else.

Well, Ruby, it's time to stop playing pretend.

In the bed, she closes her eyes tight and tries to remember sleep. And then she sings, because it's all she knows. _''Stars fading, but I linger on, dear, still craving your kiss; I'm longing to linger till dawn, dear, just saying this....''_

* * *

When things go wrong, when lives are thrown into chaos, this family does the only thing they can to make it better and they always will. Whatever happens in their lives, whatever heartbreak they'll go through.....

....They'll sing. They'll _always _sing.

Apart but together, bound by something that cannot be broken or stolen away, three voices ring out as a lullaby steals the night.

_''Sweet dreams till sun beams find you, sweet dreams that leave our worries behind you; but in your dreams, whatever they be, dream a little dream of me.....''_

* * *

_''Everything will be all right in the end. If it's not all right, then it's not the end.''  
_**-Anonymous**

**end chapter twelve**

* * *

**AN: Aww, didn't that little ending make you want to cry? Almost made me cry. Although, this story has been quite the emotional roller coaster for me.**


	13. one thing they will always be sure of

_AN: Well, I am officially excited. There's only a few days until I leave for (a much needed) vacation and this story is almost complete. There's like five chapters left and they're all ready for posting. _

**Disclaimer:** I do not own anything.

* * *

**a ghost of you is all that i have left**

_Written by Becks Rylynn_

* * *

_Chapter Thirteen:_

* * *

_**Agent Kay:**__ When you get sad it always seems to rain.  
__**Laura:**__ Lots of people get sad when it rains!  
__**Agent Kay: **__It rains because you're sad.  
_**-Men In Black II**

* * *

And it goes like this....

The devastation and destruction is not something that just goes away, it's not something that can be taken away by one night, a kiss, a hug, a song. The pain is still fresh when the morning light comes and Dean has not slept a wink, even though his body is tired and protests against every move he makes.

Sam frowns at his brother's appearance, tilting his head to the side. ''Did you get any sleep at all?''

He shakes his head and doesn't say a word as he rises to his feet and starts towards the spare bedroom where his daughter is sleeping. He doesn't feel like sharing his feelings right now, he knows Sam is only trying to help but he can't take the pity in his brother's eyes. He's gotten enough of that over the years. He opens the door quietly, slipping into the room unnoticed. Bray is curled up in a ball, sleeping somewhat fitfully. He sighs and sits down next to the bed, running a hand through his hair. The answers still haven't come, he still doesn't know what to do but he just knows he's going to have to pull it together by the time she wakes up. He decides he'll let her sleep for a little longer. Thank God it's Saturday.

''Dean.....''

He closes his eyes at the sound of his brother's voice, bitter smile dancing across his lips. ''I don't understand....'' It feels like he doesn't understand anything anymore. A few days ago he had a good life. Now he's hurt and angry and confused and nobody will tell him what he's supposed to do now. ''....How this happened....how we got here.....This is....This is my fault.'' He swallows and drops his head into his hands.

''Dean,'' Sam says gently, moving farther into the room. ''How is this your fault?''

Dean shakes his head and tries to _stop thinking_. ''I never should have asked about her. We were happy, everything was okay. I didn't need to know what she looked like, I didn't need to know _the truth._''

Sam sighs and glances at the little girl. ''You would have found out eventually. Don't you think it's better this way?''

Dean closes his eyes and wishes he were somewhere far away from here in a world where everything is happy. ''I don't know what I think anymore, Sammy.''

(And Sam hates to see his brother so broken, so he does the only thing he _can _do. He steps forwards and wraps his arms around his big brother.)

In the bed, Bray yawns and groggily opens her eyes, rubbing sleep out of them. ''D-Daddy?''

Dean pulls away from his brother abruptly, standing and moving to Bray's side. ''Morning, sugar,'' he utters, hoarsely.

''Daddy,'' she murmurs, pushing herself into a sitting position. Her blue eyes dart back and forth between the two men in front of her before she bites down on her bottom lip and studies her hands in her laps. ''Daddy, are you still mad at me?''

Dean thinks about that for a moment. He'd really like to be okay again, to not be mad at her anymore, he'd like to get over it, but the wounds are still fresh and the blood is still running and all he can feel is betrayal. ''Yes.''

She looks up sharply and he can tell she's surprised her pout hasn't worked on him. Beside him, Sam sighs and sensing a blowout, excuses himself to get some coffee.

''B-But, I don't.....I said I was sorry!'' Fresh tears well in her eyes and threaten to spill over as her blue eyes (so much like her mother) plead with him.

''Sometimes, Lila Bray, sorry isn't enough.'' He stands, with a heavy breath and looks out the window at the cloudy sky. Cloudy. How fitting. ''Look.....you lied to me for a very long time, sugar. Too long.''

''Daddy, I had to! Mommy told me not to tell you. She was _scared_!'' She pushes herself onto her knees, the tears finally overflowing.

He rubs his forehead tiredly and longs for an aspirin. Or a beer. ''Well, you shouldn't have listened to her, Lila Bray,'' he says sharply. ''You are never ever supposed to lie, no matter what.''

''But - ''

''No 'buts', Bray!''

That is all it takes. One word. One name. And she snaps. Glaring heatedly at her father, the small girl scrambles to her feet, her chest heaving up and down. ''Don't call me _Bray_!'' She screams, reaching out and hitting him hard on the chest. Her eyes turn black and the tears keep coming. ''My name is Lila Bray! I've_ always _been your Lila Bray!'' She hits him over and over on the chest with every word and he's simply too stunned to react like he should. Actually, he doesn't react at all. ''Mommy was scared!'' She says again. She stops hitting him and takes a step back. ''I was scared,'' she admits, lowering her voice. ''I didn't want....I didn't want her to go away again; I didn't want you to take her away. I was protectin' her!'' Sobs tear out of her lips, sounding jagged and broken and she can see her father's resolve cracking. ''Please, Daddy, you have to _stop being mad_! You have to make me be Lila Bray again!''

His breath catches in his throat and in an instant, he's on his knees and she's in his arms, sobbing against his chest. Father and daughter are both pained, their hearts aching and raw, unsure of what's supposed to happen next, but they have each other and that is the one thing they will always be sure of. ''Lila Bray Winchester,'' he pulls away, voice choked but firm. ''You look at me right now. _Right now_.'' She does as she's told, tears still sliding down her cheeks. ''No matter how angry I am,'' he whispers. ''You are _always_ going to be my Lila Bray. Always, always, _always_.''

She sniffles and presses her forehead to his. ''Promise?''

''Promise.'' Pulling away, he smiles and wipes away the remnants of her tears, brushing a kiss to her forehead. ''Sugar, you have to understand why I'm angry. I know why you did it, I know you just wanted to protect your mother but that doesn't make it right. You lied. Lying is never an option. Do you understand?''

She nods, guilt in her blue eyes. ''Yes.''

He looks at her carefully, promises coating his green eyes. ''We're going to get through this, Lila Bray. I don't know how yet, but somehow we're going to get our happy ending.''

She smiles and wraps her arms around him. ''I _know_ we will.''

* * *

It takes a couple days before Dean goes home. He knows he can't keep expecting Sam and Sarah to run to the house every time Bray gets an article of clothing dirty (which is pretty much every day). Sometime, he's going to have to go home. The day is sunny and warm and as he walks out the door, he tries to keep the weariness from showing but he has a feeling his daughter can see it very clearly.

As it turns out; he has nothing to worry about. If Ruby's at the house, she doesn't show herself. He breathes a sigh of relief.

She's not at the house.

Bray is drawing a picture when it happens. The air gets cold, she looks up sharply and her breathing quickens. ''Mommy?'' She stands and whirls around just in time to see her mother materialize in front of her. ''Mommy....''

''Bray....'' In a second, Ruby's closed the distance between them, gone down to her knees and pulled her daughter into her arms. ''Oh, baby girl, I missed you so much.'' She pulls away, sniffling and smoothing Bray's hair away from her face. ''I'm sorry, Bray. I am so sorry for everything.''

The little girl shakes her head and wraps her arms tightly around Ruby's neck, squeezing her eyes shut. ''Mommy, I just wanted to protect you.''

''I know,'' Ruby closes her eyes and tries to keep the tears away (she detests crying; she has done it way too many times) but her attempts fail and they roll down her cheeks as she strokes her daughter's hair. ''I know you were, baby. But you should never have to protect me. I am your mother, it's my job to protect _you._''

Bray sighs against her mother's hair. ''I missed you....''

''Bray,'' a voice says. ''Who are you....oh....oh my god.''

Ruby freezes and if her heart was beating, it would fall to the pit of her stomach. She knows that voice. Slowly, she stands and turns around to face the Winchester currently staring at her with wide, disbelieving eyes. She smiles weakly and tries to think of something to say, but all she can manage to get out through her closing throat is a raspy, ''Hi, Sam.''

''Ruby,'' he croaks out, stumbling forwards a few steps. ''Is...Is it really you?''

And she can't help herself anymore. To answer him, she crosses the room and wraps her arms around him. ''It's me,'' she murmurs.

He hugs her back, holding her tightly like he never wants to let go. ''I'm mad at you,'' he mumbles into her hair.

Her smile turns sad as she pulls away from him. ''I know. I'm mad at me too. I...I messed up, Sam. I _really_ messed up.''

''Yeah,'' Sam crosses his arms and trains his eyes on her and only her. ''You sure did.''

She rakes a hand through her hair and tries not to think about the screaming match. It's the only thing she's been able to think about for the past few days and she can't do it anymore. ''Look, I'm not....I'm not going to waste my breath saying sorry. It never seems to do any good.''

''Ruby,'' Sam sighs. ''I know you're sorry, we all know you're sorry. But this isn't something you can just wave off with a simple sorry. It needs more than that.''

''But I don't know what else to do!'' She holds back the tears desperately, telling herself not to cry. ''I don't know what else I _can _do! I'm dead!''

''You hafta leave.''

Everything freezes as if someone has pressed pause and then slowly, Sam and Ruby turn their eyes to Bray. Up until now she's been silent, off to the side, letting her mother and uncle have their reunion, but she can't stay silent anymore. All she can see is daddy's face, sad and tired.

Ruby swallows and makes an attempt to keep her voice calm and even. ''What?''

Bray licks her lips nervously and takes a step towards her mother. ''Mommy....you....you hurt my Daddy. I know you didn't mean to, but he hurts now and he's all sad and I don't like it. I don't want him to be sad anymore. So you....you gotta leave, okay?''

''Baby - ''

''Not forever and ever,'' she assures her mother. ''Just for now. Mommy, I love you. But....this is my Daddy and.....Daddy is all that matters. O-Okay? Is...Is that all right?''

For a moment, all is quiet. The adults in the room aren't sure how to respond, aren't sure how those words could possibly come from a _five_ year old. Ruby wants her daughter to be wrong, she wants her to be all wrong because she simply cannot fathom being without Dean and Bray, but she knows deep inside that the little girl is right. She has to leave. A small smile works its way across her face as she bends down to her daughter's level. ''Now, how did you get to be so smart?''

Bray smirks and shrugs her shoulders innocently. ''Uncle Sammy.''

Her mother arches an eyebrow and turns to look at Sam, but he holds his hands up, working to control the smile on his face. ''I swear, I didn't tell her to say that.''

''Well,'' Ruby sighs and nods briefly. ''You're right.'' She wrinkles her nose and sends a smile that is meant to be comforting towards her daughter, but it shakes and wobbles on her lips. ''Your dad and I....we can be a little thick at times.''

''At times?'' Sam mutters under his breath.

''But you can't leave forever, okay?'' Bray's voice rises slightly as she reaches out and grabs her mother's hands. ''You hafta come back to us after Daddy's all better.''

''I promise I will,'' Ruby nods. ''I promise. But....you're right, Bray. Your dad...he's all that matters. I know you'll take care of him.''

The sound of a rumbling crashes into the silence, a familiar sound for all three. Bray turns around to glance at the door and when she turns around her mother is gone. The tears well in her eyes, but she shakes her head and holds her head high. She's not going to cry, she's not. She's a big girl. Big girls don't cry.

''Bray,'' Sam sighs, taking a step forwards. ''Honey....''

She shakes her head and looks up at him with a fiercely determined look in her eyes and a true Winchester scowl on her lips. ''Daddy is all that matters.''

All these years, all her life, everyone's been so hung up on how much she is like her mother. Its times like these that Sam knows she is just like her father. When the door opens and Dean enters, neither one tell him of the events that have just transpired. He doesn't need to know.

* * *

''Come on, Nicky.'' Sam lets out a tired sigh and glances at the clock on the wall. Three o'clock on the morning. Its three o'clock in the morning and his son still won't sleep. He's not sure if it's because he can sense the emotions rolling off his daddy or if he's just being stubborn. ''Nicky,'' he groans again. ''Kid, dad really needs to get some sleep.''

''You should sing to him.'' It's a familiar voice, a familiar, calm and smooth drawl. But he had not been expecting it (he thought he had been alone) and the unexpected voice causes him to jump in surprise, whirling around to face the intruder. From her position slumped in the rocking chair, Ruby smirks lazily and crosses her legs. ''Boo.''

He lets out a breath and his lips curve downwards into a frown. ''God, Ruby, are you trying to scare me to death?''

''Uh...._ghost_, Sam. Scaring people kind of comes with the territory.''

He thinks about asking her what she's doing here, but he decides he'd much rather have a pleasant conversation with her for a few moments before the unavoidable tension returns. Shifting his son in his arms, he shoots her a small smile and starts to rock the baby. ''Nicky doesn't really like music.''

''Nonsense,'' she scoffs. ''You just have to find the right song.'' She stands and moves over to the younger Winchester, eyes moving to the baby. Slowly, almost hesitantly, she runs a hand over the baby's head. At the burst of cold air, the baby looks around for the source, eyes finally landing on her. And he smiles.

''He can see you.'' Sam states, looking at her closely with narrowed eyes.

She nods, eyes still on Nicky, corners of her mouth curving upwards against her will. ''He can.''

''_I_ can see you.''

She tilts her head to the side. ''I hope you can.''

Finally, he smiles widely and his eyes sparkle. ''It's really good to see you.''

Her smile is soft and unlike any smile he's ever seen on her face before. It's kind of nice. ''It's really good to be seen,'' she admits quietly. Carefully, she takes the baby from his arms and settles herself on the rocking chair. ''It's been a long time, Sammy.''

''It has,'' he agrees. ''Too long.''

''You have a beautiful family.'' Their voices are quiet and soft and much to his amazement, Nicky seems to be calming in her arms. He should have known. She was always a great mother. No matter what she thought. ''Your son,'' she continues, ''is adorable. Your wife....She's very pretty. Kind. Strong. She could kick your - '' She glances at the baby in her arms. '' - Butt.''

He laughs. ''I have no doubt.''

''I met her once.''

''So I've heard.''

''Not under the best circumstances. She was scared and screaming for her baby,'' she recalls, candidly. ''But once she calmed down, she was very....intriguing. Perfect for you. Smart, funny, beautiful.''

''You know....'' Sam sinks into an armchair on the other side of the room and studies her with those dark, intimidating eyes of his. ''....She told me you fought off a Reaper for her.''

''Well,'' she shrugs. ''I couldn't very well let her die, now could I? Then what would become of you?''

He shudders at the thought of losing Sarah and shakes his head. ''I hope to never find out.''

''I like her,'' she declares.

''I'm glad.'' It amazes him how easy it is to slip into a conversation with her. It's like he's been doing it forever, like she never died. It's calm, peaceful and that's when he realizes how much he has _missed _her. ''Did I ever tell you,'' he begins after a moment has passed. ''That I love you?''

She looks up, slightly startled but then her face relaxes and she shakes her head with a small grin. ''No, I don't believe you did. But I told you.''

He frowns. ''You did not.''

She nods, licking her lips. ''I did. The night I died - ''

He's stunned to hear her speak about her death so openly, freely; it's as if it doesn't bother her at all.

'' - I came into your room and I told you I cared about you.''

''That's not love,'' he points out.

''It's in the same ball park.''

''Is not.''

''Okay then. Sam....I love you.''

''Now, Ruby, don't make me blush.''

''I'm serious.'' She rolls her eyes and draws in a breath. ''All those years ago, I told you that you were the closest thing I had to a best friend. Well, you're still the closest thing I have to a best friend.''

''And you'll _always_ be the closest thing I have to a best friend.'' He smiles and she smiles and the silence (unlike most of the silences) is comfortable. Two old friends sit in the moonlight, remembering the past and reflecting on how much they have changed.

She slides her gaze to the baby in her arms and smiles the smile that is usually reserved for her daughter. ''He's asleep.''

Sam stands and moves over to her to get a closer look, eyes widening in astonishment at the sight of his son curled up in Ruby's arms, fast asleep. ''Well, I'll be damned.''

She laughs lightly and carefully hands Nicky back to his father, who settles him in his crib. ''Well,'' she takes in a breath (which is totally unneeded considering she _doesn't need to breathe_) and stands. ''I should go.''

''Wait, Ruby - ''

''Sam?''

Both Sam and Ruby turn to Sarah, standing in the doorway, rubbing sleep from her eyes. ''Who are you talking to?''

''What do you mean?'' Sam frowns and gestures to Ruby. ''I was talking to - ''

''Sam, she can't see me.''

''What?'' Sam's eyes move from Sarah to Ruby, confusion flickering in his irises. ''Why?''

Ruby simply smiles calmly and shrugs her shoulders. ''Nobody can see what the _Winchesters_ can see.''

''Sam?'' Sarah moves into the room, the concern clear in her eyes. ''Is everything all right?''

''Yeah....everything's fine....Ruby's here.''

Sarah's eyes widen slightly as she looks around the room. ''She is? Where?''

Sam turns to point to Ruby, only to find she's gone. When he moves his gaze back to his wife, he sees Ruby is right next to her, leaning closer. He watches as the blonde slowly brushes her cold hand against Sarah's.

''Oh.'' Sarah jumps and her eyes move to the space Ruby is occupying, although she still can't see her. ''Uh...hello, Ruby.''

''Hello, Sarah.''

''She says hello.''

Sarah shakes her head, but a smile dances on her lips. ''This is going to get strange.''

''You'll get used to it,'' Sam and Ruby say at the same time.

''Is Nicky asleep?'' Sarah asks, missing the look shared between her husband and the ghost.

He nods, lips twitching. ''Yeah.''

His wife looks at him closely and then looks at Ruby, like she's pretending she can see her. With a small smile that is definitely directed towards the blonde, she says, ''Don't keep him too long'' and then disappears out the door.

Ruby crosses her arms and smirks after her. ''You should keep her, Sammy.''

''I will.''

''It's getting late. You should get some sleep.''

''Ruby....'' He sighs and takes a cautious step towards her. ''There's something I need to ask you.''

She smiles, like she's been waiting for this moment and he thinks for a minute that he's never seen her this...._serene_ before. ''You want to know why I did it.''

He can't help it. It's something he's always wanted to know, something that's been plaguing him for a long time. Slowly, he nods. ''Yes.''

She doesn't answer right away; instead she leans against the wall and studies him with the utmost interest. He shifts, slightly uncomfortable because he had forgotten how piercing those eyes of hers are. And then she answers. ''Sam...I knew from the start, from the moment I found out I was pregnant, that I wouldn't be a good mother. I tried to emotionally detach myself from that little girl, I tried not to care, I tried to stay away but....I couldn't. And then....I tried to be all I could for her, I tried to be a good mother....but then...one day.....I just....I realized that it didn't matter what I did.....what I did _for_ her, I would never be enough. That's why I did it.''

He looks at her for a minute, blinking and then he scoffs and folds his arms across his chest. ''Sweetheart,'' he says. ''That's bullshit. I mean, that is seriously the dumbest thing I've ever heard.''

She keeps her gaze trained on him and her eyes flicker somewhere between shock and anger for half a second. He's surprised to find he's relieved to see _something _in her eyes. But he can't help it; this new Ruby scares the hell out of him. He wants the fiery, passionate Ruby back.

''You know what, Sam?'' She says and he almost smirks when he hears her voice isn't as smooth as it was a moment ago, but hard and frustrated. About time. ''You can think whatever the hell you want about me but I did what I had to do for my daughter. I had to give her the best and I did. I gave her the best damn father in the world.''

Well, he can't really argue with that. Dean may be mangled and shattered fifty percent of the time, he may be damaged and raw, filled with unbelievable scars but he _is _the best damn father in the world. ''I just wish....'' He sighs and trails off, the words getting lost somewhere in his throat.

''That I would have said goodbye?''

He smiles sadly. ''Yes.''

''I did,'' she whispers. ''You were just asleep.'' With a small, barely there smile, she steps forwards and hugs him, brushing her lips across his cheek. ''I should go,'' she murmurs, pulling away. ''It...It really is better if I...if I go away for a little while.''

''Ruby....''

''It's okay, Sam.'' She sends him a small smile but gets the feeling he's not buying it. ''I'll just go rattle some chains or something. Scare some tourists. I'll be back. You can't get rid of me that easily.''

''It might take awhile,'' Sam says gently. ''For Dean to get over this. He is _Dean_ after all.''

She shrugs, ''I've got time.'' With one last smile, she turns and starts to walk away.

He watches her go for a moment before he calls out to her. ''You'd wait forever for him, wouldn't you?''

She pauses in the doorway, but doesn't turn around. ''Not forever,'' she says. ''Just a lifetime.''

He looks down briefly and when he looks up, she's gone. He wonders why he's surprised.

* * *

_''There is no security quite as comfortable and undemanding as the kind you feel among old friends.''  
_**-Peter Bodo**

**end chapter thirteen**

* * *

**AN: I just couldn't resist that little Sam and Ruby scene at the end there. And yes, it is still depressing and there is still angst but I promise it will get happier!**


	14. she looks downright deadly

_AN: Yes, that's right. Another chapter. I guess I'm just in a posting mood._

**Disclaimer:** Still don't own anything.

* * *

**a ghost of you is all that i have left**

_Written by Becks Rylynn_

* * *

_Chapter Fourteen:_

* * *

_''Obsessed by a fairy tale, we spend our lives searching for a magic door and a lost kingdom of peace.''  
_**-Eugene O'Neill**

* * *

Dean Winchester does not believe in fairytales. It's as simple as that. He doesn't like them, they're not realistic, they don't happen and despite what he tells his daughter, he's not sure he'll ever get a happy ending. Life is cruel and hard and not something that can be made brighter by _love._ His father loved his mother, look how that ended. Sam loved Jessica, look how that ended. He loved Ruby.....

.....He did. He knows it, he _feels_ it. He loved her. Well, look what _love_ has brought him. This....quarter life he's living. He is broken and fueled by grief and anger every day and he is sure it must be Ruby's fault. He is sure he does not need her anymore.

But....

....This time as the days (that turn into weeks) pass, he stands still. There is no moving on this time, no moving forwards, he does not simply keep living and breathing, he seems to be stuck somewhere. He replays the night that changed it all in his head over and over again every night and the time tick, tick, ticks away but he stands still. Every thought that isn't about Bray, every thought that is not about how to help his daughter is about her.

He still dreams of her at night, but that is nothing unusual. Only in these dreams, she is not dancing in the rain, giggling, ''Come and dance with me, Dean'' in her irresistible voice. In these dreams she is crying and pleading with him, standing on the front porch as she begs, ''Please, please don't let me go!''

And in these dreams, he always, _always_, goes to her.

* * *

He begins to (slowly at first and then more rapidly) lose control.

He doesn't seem to know where anything is anymore, he's become a _klutz,_ (he's walked into a_ lot _of doors and walls these past few weeks) and nothing ever seems to go right anymore. He can't sleep, food loses its appeal and that last little bit of light in green eyes dies away. It's almost as if he's asleep at the wheel.

The anger comes in waves now. He loses it one day when he thinks he sees her and takes a punch at the wall. Over and over until his fist bleeds and Bray has to scream for him to stop. The hurt and pain hit like physical blows and he slides to the ground, the pain in his chest becoming unbearable. And it's not because he's mad at her (he is, though) it's because she's _not here_.

Bray doesn't even seem scared as she rushes to his side, crawls into his lap and hugs him tight like she's trying to keep the pieces of him together.

''Is she doing this, Bray?'' He whispers and his voice sounds thick with all the things inside. ''Is she here? Is she making me feel this way?''

''No, Daddy,'' she whispers sadly. ''You're just lost.''

(That's when he wants to cry, but finds he can't remember how.)

* * *

The days that have turned into weeks soon turn into months. Summer is approaching fast and soon Bray will be out of school for the summer. He gets a notice in the mail one day about her upcoming graduation and has a brief panic attack. Holy hell! He hasn't been wallowing in self pity for _twelve years_, has he?! Then he sees it says _kindergarten_ graduation and lets out a huge sigh of relief before remarking (somewhat callously) ''Who the fuck has a graduation for kindergarteners?''

_''Dean,''_ his subconscious makes an appearance (where the hell have you been?) sounding suspiciously like his brother. _''Stop being such an idiot and get over yourself. This is _your daughter.'' The voices changes from Sam's to _hers_._ ''Now, you're going to this thing and you will not ruin this for our kid, you got me, short bus?''_

He curses himself for being such an ass and decides he'll go.

The day comes (way too soon for his taste) and Dean finds himself in the middle of a crowded auditorium filled with pathetic looking middle aged men and women wearing too much make up. And they _all_ seem to be blubbering. Honestly. It's almost embarrassing. It's a _kindergarten _graduation, it's not like the kids are going off to college. He, of course, sticks out like a sore thumb (or maybe that's Sam and his giant-ness) and why do these women keep looking at him like _that?_ It's incredibly disturbing. They're all looking at him like he's some kind of God.

(You know, he used to like that.)

However, there is one group of women (who look like they're made entirely out of plastic) who look at him and start to whisper. ''Oh, him?'' A brunette wearing a too tight dress scoffs and waves her hand in a dismissive gesture. ''That's just Lila's father. You know, the Winchester girl. He's a _mechanic_,'' she says, with a sneer.

Dean rolls his eyes and feels Sam stiffen beside him, eyes slowly moving to the gossip girls (and isn't it just sad that he understands that reference?)

''I hear,'' another woman cuts in. ''That his wife left him right after Lila was born.''

Oh, is that what the story is? Interesting.

''Apparently he's been in and out of rehab since.''

Huh? Dean whips around to glance at them. Where'd that come from?

''Rehab?'' A short, shockingly thin platinum blonde says. ''I've heard he spent years in an institution.''

Dean blinks and shares a look with his brother. ''They're just makin' this up as they go along, aren't they?''

The brunette woman smirks a vicious smirk and cackles like the wicked witch. ''Well then, no wonder that girl is so _strange._ She'll probably end up - ''

Both Sam and Dean's eyes widen at the last words that come out of her mouth and Dean growls, moving to lunge, but Sam holds him back, mouth in a thin, straight line. ''Dean,'' he warns, like his brother is a child (or a dog). ''No lunging.''

''I am not a dog, Sammy.''

Sam gives him a look that clearly says _don't fuck around here, Dean_ and he backs down, slouching into his chair and crossing his arms. ''Fine. I'll behave.''

And then, much to his amusement, when the gaggle of geese break up and start towards their seats and their utterly _terrified_ looking husbands, Mrs. I-Like-To-Screw-The-Pool-Boy trips on her come-fuck-me heels and falls flat on her face.

Sam coughs loudly to cover his laughter, Dean ducks his head down to hide his and Sarah shakes her head. ''_Boys_,'' she warns.

However, when the housewife attempts to stand and goes right back down, the hair on the back of Dean's neck stands up and he sighs heavily. Slowly, he turns around. And he thought _he_ stuck out. She's in the back, all pale skin, black eyes and ghostly energy crackling on her fingertips, gaze locked on brunette bimbo. There's a scowl marring her pretty face and she looks downright deadly, but just as beautiful as ever. His heart leaps into his throat but he swallows it down and somehow manages to keep his voice steady as he turns to Sam and mutters a quick, ''I'll be right back.''

Desperate Housewife is still flopping around on the ground like Nemo trying to find a way home when he casually walks by her (nearly stepping right _over_ her actually) and moves towards the ghost in the back. Leaning against the wall, he smirks and pretends he's totally fine. ''I think she's had enough, Ruby.''

She shakes her head and narrows her eyes. ''Did you not hear what she said about my daughter?''

''_Our_ daughter,'' he corrects easily. ''And yes, I did. But I think Edie Britt over there is humiliated enough.''

''Did you just reference Desperate Housewives? Really, Dean?''

''Don't ruin Lila Bray's big day, all right?''

At that, she exhales slowly and puts her hand (which had been outstretched in front of her) down, her eyes returning to blue. They watch as the horrid woman rises to her feet, ignoring her friends hurried, concerned questions as she smoothes down her _fake_ designer dress, her cheeks flushing an angry scarlet as she slides into the empty seat next to her husband (poor guy) swatting his hands away instantly.

''Jesus,'' Dean mutters. ''Whose mother is that?''

''Alexander Crowell's.''

''Poor kid.''

''Don't feel too sorry for him,'' Ruby says, crossing her arms. ''Alexander is the boy who pushed Bray into the mud.''

''Well, with a mother like that who can blame the boy for being a little fu - ''

''Don't swear.''

'' - Brat.''

She lets out a small huff of laughter and turns her eyes to him. He has a feeling if she could, she would blush. ''Oh.'' It comes out in a squeak and she takes a step away from him as if she's afraid she's not supposed to be talking to him. ''Dean...'' She swallows. ''Do you...Do you want me to leave?''

''What? No.'' He says quickly, a little too quickly. ''I-I mean....'' He crosses his own arms and shifts, looking away from her for a moment. Good God, has anything ever been this awkward before? ''Stay. You should stay. Lila Bray....She'd want you here.''

''I'm not so sure about that.'' He hears her mumble. He wants to ask her what she means by that, but she cuts him off, with a nervous smile. ''So, how've you been?''

''Oh....uh....fine. You?''

''Bored,'' she says bluntly. ''Turns out being a ghost is astonishingly dull unless you have someone to haunt.'' He laughs softly and watches a smile play on her lips. Hesitantly, she takes a small step forwards and reaches a hand up to touch his face. Her cold and gentle fingers brush under his eyes like she's trying to wipe away the dark circles he's sure are there. ''You look tired,'' she comments quietly.

''Nah,'' he shrugs and sends her a small smile, not even bothering to move away from her touch. ''I'm good.''

She doesn't move her hand away and he draws in a sharp breath when her eyes meet his. It seems like a long time passes, but in reality, it's probably only a few moments and then the doors open and a kind eyed woman leads in a long line of kindergarteners all decked out in graduation gowns fashioned out of tissue paper and streamers and little graduation caps made out of construction paper. They pull apart and their eyes move to the children, instantly finding their girl.

While the other children are bouncing and waving, little Bray is searching the crowd. When she sees her uncle Sammy holding a video camera and Sarah, waving Nicky's pudgy hand up and down, she laughs and has to bite her lip. Then she sees her daddy and....her mommy? Her eyes widen in surprise and then a wide smile breaks out over her face. Her daddy winks and gives her the thumbs up, her mommy sticks her tongue out. Bray grins and shoots her mother her own silly face (totally ignoring mean Mrs. Crowell's tsk, tsk of disapproval from the front row) and she feels like it's going to be all right.

Ruby laughs, blue eyes twinkling and sparkling like diamonds. ''That's my girl.''

Dean can't help but smile widely, the first real, genuine smile (one that crinkles his eyes and lights up that shadows) he's worn in months. When the kindergarten teacher, Miss. Lacey, starts talking, he draws in a breath and turns his eyes to her. ''I should...I should probably get back to my seat.''

''Right.'' She smiles, but he can see the disappointment hiding in her eyes. ''Of course.'' She moves fast, like a blur and in a second, she's stepped forwards and pressed a kiss to his cheek. Since he has no idea what do say, he's not even sure his voice will work, he goes back to his seat (sending her one last smile) and pointedly ignores the raised eyebrow his brother sends him.

Neither Dean nor Ruby see the way Bray's smile widens even more.

When it's over and the teacher ends the ceremony with an enthusiastic ''Now, go hug your parents!'' Bray is the first one to scatter, racing towards Dean and leaping into his arms before the other children even have a chance to move.

(It might only be his imagination but he swears he hears the women in the room let out a collective, dreamy sigh. What's that about?)

''Daddy!'' She cries happily. ''Did you see me? Did you see me?!''

''I did,'' he smiles, holding her tight. ''You were great, sugar. Give your dad a high five.''

She smacks his hand enthusiastically, her eyes sparkling as she jumps up and down. ''Daddy! Daddy, Mommy was here! Did you see her? Of course you did, you were talkin' to her! Where is she?!'' Breathless (and hyper) and looks over Dean's shoulder, a frown immediately stealing over her lips. ''Hey, where'd she go?''

Dean turns to search, only to find she's gone. He sighs heavily and plasters a smile on his face as he glances at his daughter. ''Well, sweetheart, she...she had to go.''

Bray tilts her head to the side, her eyes curious and if he's being truthful, he sees disappointment in there too. ''Why?''

''She had things to do.''

''What kind of things?''

''Just...._things._''

''Daddy,'' she says slowly. ''Mommy is a _ghost_. What kind of things does she have to do?''

''Oh, lots,'' Dean smiles widely and hopes it's convincing. ''She has a long list of people to scare.''

''How come you and mommy don't like each other anymore?''

''It's complicated, sugar.''

Bray looks at him, blinks and then frowns deeply. ''You know,'' she starts thoughtfully. ''My friend Maisie's mommy and daddy got divorced and she has to have two rooms and two beds and they buy her lots and lots of toys 'cause they're always being mean to each other. When she asked them why they had to live away from each other, her daddy said it was because it was like throwing a hot dog down a hallway and then her mommy got mad and said at least she didn't have erectile dysfunction.'' Bray finishes her story with a wide smile and a dramatic flourish of her hands as she plucks the cap from her head.

Dean stares at her for a long time, blinking, mouth working but no sound coming out. _What_ kind of people live in this town? Finally, he shakes his head and manages to splutter out a nervous laugh. ''Uh...yeah...that's....that's a really nice story, sugar.''

She shrugs. ''Well, is that what it's like with you and mommy? Hot dogs down hallways and ere - ''

He clamps a hand over her mouth and forces himself not to blush. Fuck no. That is just...._no._ No, no, no, no. No......_No_. His eyes dart around the room wildly; making sure no one has heard that. ''Absolutely, positively, most certainly _not_,'' he says with a shake of his head. ''No. Way. Sugar, what kind of people do you hang out with?''

She grins when he moves his hand. ''Maisie talks to fairies.''

''Uh-huh. I'm sure she does. Now, why don't you go say hi to Uncle Sammy?''

She rolls her eyes (she's not stupid, she knows he's just trying to get her to _stop talking_) but she skips over to her uncle Sammy anyways, with a loud squeal of his name that makes him jump.

Dean stands up straight and looks around the room. Desperate Housewife has her arms crossed and her gaze is on her nails as her husband bends down to their son's level, smiling widely. He feels a flash of sympathy for the boy who glances up at his mother for a fraction of a second, sadness sparkling in his eyes, before he looks back at his father. Bray's friend Maisie is dancing in circles off to the side, her eyes slightly glazed over as her parents argue off to the side. Even the kindergarten teacher is getting a little too friendly with one father. Jesus, is there anyone in this town who is not totally and completely fucked up?

Shaking his head, he starts to turn away but something makes him stop, like a magnetic pull. In the crowd, he sees a flash of blond hair and finds in this crowd of nicely dressed mom and dad's, he is still not the only one who sticks out. ''Ruby...'' He starts forwards, ignoring his brother's voice calling out for him. Unfortunately, as it turns out, maneuvering through bunches of children and adults is not an easy thing to do.

''Ruby!''

By the time he pushes through the doors into the sunlight, she is long gone, no matter which way he turns he can't see her, and he can only sigh after her. This is all getting very complicated. Like a bullet, a memory races through his head. Missouri's voice saying, ''You be careful now, Dean. This is gonna get messy, child.''

She had _no_ idea.

* * *

_''It is so easy to fall in love but it is incredibly hard to find someone who will catch you.''  
_**-Anonymous**

**end chapter fourteen**

* * *

**AN: Well, I have to say; that was incredibly fun to write. Especially the Kindygarten Grad. I actually laughed while writing it. And I've barely laughed at all writing this story. And yes, Alexander Crowell and Maisie are in there for a reason. I'm considering a sequel. Now, in the next chapters be on the lookout for someone to knock some sense into the hard headed and stubborn Dean Winchester. Someone has to.....**


	15. as he melts through the shadows

_AN: Now, get ready for some surprises in this chapter._

**Disclaimer:** I still do not own Supernatural, the quotes or the song. However, I own my dreams and if Jensen Ackles is in my dreams does that mean I kind of own him? No? Aww. Unfair.

* * *

**a ghost of you is all that i have left**

_Written by Becks Rylynn_

* * *

_Chapter Fifteen:_

* * *

_''Heroes know that things must happen when it is time for them to happen. A quest may not simply be abandoned; unicorns may go unrescued for a long time, but not forever; a happy ending cannot come in the middle of a story.''  
_**-Peter S. Beagle**

* * *

And it goes like this....

He hasn't been hunting in _awhile_. He is adamant that he is not a hunter anymore, his daughter will not be raised like he was, she will not have to worry about her father's life being held in the hands of some horrible monster. But....

....His thoughts are all jumbled lately, all of Ruby and Bray and Ruby and Bray and he just needs something to clear his head; help him move on. What's one hunt? So, when news of a haunting right in his own town reaches him, he jumps on it like a predator on prey.

''You're what?!'' Sam yelps when Dean nonchalantly tells him he's going hunting one day in early July.

Dean shrugs carelessly and takes a gulp of his coffee that has gone cold. ''It's not a big deal, Sam. It's just a haunted house. An easy job.''

Sam blinks and stays silent long enough to make Dean think he might have broken his little brother. And then he snaps back to life with a roaring, ''Are you insane?!''

''No, Sam, I'm just incredibly frustrated. I need to do something. I need some _violence._'' He _needs_ to get the thoughts of Ruby out of his head. She's driving him mad. He keeps dreaming about her, he keeps seeing her everywhere, he keeps comparing her to random women he sees on the streets (her hair isn't blond enough, that one needs blue eyes) and he keeps thinking about_ touching _her (wait, that didn't sound right...).

It's just not fair.

She makes his head hurt, she makes him feel tired, she makes him feel everything he is trying desperately _not _to feel. And that just won't do.

''What you need,'' Sam pipes up. ''Is a straightjacket. Or a swift kick in the family jewels. For God's sake, Dean, if you miss Ruby just _talk_ to her and quit being such an idiot.''

(And also, he's had it up to _here_ with people calling him an idiot.)

Dean scowls and turns away from his brother. ''Look, Sam, I'm going on this hunt. Either you're in or you're out.''

That night, just as he's gotten into the Impala there's a sharp knock on the door and he jumps, turning his head to glare at - ''Sammy?''

The door opens and Sam slides into the passenger seat. ''I'm in.''

* * *

''Huh.'' While Sam tilts his head to the side and studies the creepy looking house in front of them, Dean studies Sam. He won't lie; he's a little nervous (just a little) after all, it has been awhile since they've been hunting. How long now? Three almost four years. Wow. ''You know, I've always thought this house was a little freaky.''

Dean smirks easily and starts to move past his little brother. ''Sometimes, Sammy, being a little freaky is a good thing.''

He's a good five feet away before it clicks for Sam and he hears a resounding, ''Ew!''

Dean's smirk widens a little.

It's just like riding a bicycle. Even after years away from this life, it's incredibly easy to slip into the mindset of a hunter. Always be on alert and when you hear a noise in the dark, reach for the gun. Shoot first, ask questions later and don't ever let your guard down. Also (and this is a really important one) if you're a Winchester, do _not_ split up. As soon as they step foot inside the house; they split up.

(Because they are _dumb._)

He finds himself relaxing as he melts through the shadows of the long abandoned house like a professional (is it odd that hunting a dangerous poltergeist is calming for him?). The cool, steel of the rock salt loaded gun in his hand feels like coming home and the adrenaline is just starting to pump through his veins. Of course, that is when all hell breaks loose because that's just the way his life works. When things get quiet, when the dust is settling, the wind comes and brings another dust storm.

* * *

Sam will never in a million years admit this feels good. The gun in his hands, the adrenaline in his blood. It's almost like old times. He almost expects Dean to be _that Dean_ again. The Dean who never let anything get him down, the womanizer, the man who called his _car_ baby, the man who sang along to classic rock and always, _always_ had a smirk on his face. But...that was then. This is -

''Heya, Sammy.''

He lets out a yelp and jumps, whirling around and raising his gun, finger on the trigger. She reacts on instinct, wrapping long, slender fingers around the gun and effortlessly yanking it out of his hand.

''Jesus, Ruby,'' he snarls. ''What the hell? You can't knock first or something?''

She arches an eyebrow and swiftly disappears with a whoosh of air (and a little smoke this time; she's learned new tricks). Sam frowns and whirls around. Oh, come on now, she couldn't have been _that_ offended. The sound of knocking echoes through his head (he doesn't have to be a genius to know the knocking is _only_ in his head) and he lets out a breath, rolling his eyes. She's back in front of him within seconds, wry smirk on her lips. ''Better?''

''Much,'' he deadpans, taking his gun from her hands. ''What are you doin' here, Ruby?''

''Isn't it obvious?'' She snorts, crossing her arms and easily falling in step with him when he starts to move down the hallway. ''I heard my idiot....'' She trails off and her mouth twists into a grimace as she struggles to come up with something to call him.

(For a second, Sam swears she's going to call him her 'husband' and wouldn't that be something?)

But in the end, she gives up and shakes her head. ''I heard he wanted to go hunting and since I can't just let him _die_....here I am.''

''You..._heard_?'' Sam questions, dark eyes confused. ''From who?''

''What?'' She smiles and he sees secrets in her eyes. ''You think I'm the only ghost haunting the Winchester boys? Please, with your stubbornness and Dean's recklessness, you two would've been dead a long time ago. Luckily, you got a lot of people lookin' out for you.''

Well, that's an interesting thought. Kind of creepy actually. The thought that there are dead people constantly watching him. Instinctively, he looks around the darkness. They continue on in silence and he shakes the thought of ghostly visitors from his head. Finally, after a moment, he lets his eyes go to her and a small smile twitches on his lips. ''Aren't you going to ask me?''

She purses her lips and gives him a look. ''Ask you what?''

''Oh, _come on_, honey, I can see right through you. I know you want to ask me about them.''

''Did you just call me 'honey'?''

''Reflex.''

She rolls her eyes and doesn't say one more word, her face remains blank. Sam takes that as a 'yes, Sam, please tell me more.' ''I think they miss you. I _know_ Bray does. Some days you're all she talks about.'' He watches with satisfaction as a small smile grows on her face. ''And Dean....well, you're obviously all he thinks about. He's in love with you, you know that right/''

She sighs finally and stops in her tracks. ''Look, Sam - '' She breaks off in a pained gasp and doubles over, hands clutching her head.

''Ruby?''

She moans softly and blinks like she's trying to clear her vision. Instantly, her eyes grow wild and panicked. ''Dean.'' She's gone before he can say anything. A moment later a violent crash echoes throughout the house and he hears her voice ring out, deadly and furious. ''Get _away_ from him!''

Yeah.

He knew this was a bad idea.

* * *

Dean groans and opens his eyes. Fucking poltergeist. Stupid fucking, filthy creature. Grumbling under his breath, he rises (somewhat unsteadily) to his feet and looks around the room. Hey. Wait a minute.

His eyes widen and his heart pounds as he whirls around the room, desperately trying to make sense of this. What the hell is going on? ''Okay....'' He closes his eyes and takes in a few deep breaths. ''This isn't happening, this is a hallucination.'' With a groan (because this just had to happen to _him_) he claps his hands over his eyes. ''There's no place like home, there's no place like home.''

''Sorry, Dorothy,'' a very familiar voice says, making Dean's heart stop in his chest for half a beat. ''Clicking your heels ain't gonna bring you home this time.''

Slowly, fearing the newcomer will simply disappear and not be there, Dean turns around and has to swallow hard. Somehow (and he's not really sure how) he recovers and lets a smirk fall into place. ''Why, Auntie Em, you've changed. Or, no, wait. Let me guess; you're the Tin Man. If only you had a _heart_, right?''

Standing in the doorway of the old Winchester house in Lawrence, Kansas, John Winchester rolls his eyes and moves farther into the house, door swinging shut behind him. ''You're hilarious.''

Dean crosses his arms and shifts, feeling slightly uncomfortable. ''Can't you dead people _ever_ mind your business?''

This time, it's John's turn to smirk as he casually takes a seat on the sofa. ''Dean, this is our life,'' he says. ''In our lives, dead people very rarely mind their own business.''

As if on cue, footsteps sound and a cheery voice rings out, ''Cookies!''

Dean stiffens and his breath catches in his throat as he whips around, his throat aching with either hysteric laughter or cries of joy. Which? He can't tell. ''M-Mom?''

* * *

_**Fox Mulder:**__ I've often felt that dreams are answers to questions we haven't yet figured out how to ask.  
_**-The X-Files**

**end chapter fifteen**

* * *

**AN: Yes, short I know. And it's got a cliffy, but I simply couldn't help myself. I love cliffhangers. They are **_**fun.**_


	16. the world around him shifts

_AN: Yeppers! Another chapter! This story is winding down. We're almost finished now._

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing....at all.

* * *

**a ghost of you is all that i have left**

_Written by Becks Rylynn_

* * *

_Chapter Sixteen:_

* * *

_''A million words would not bring you back, I know because I tried, neither would a million tears, I know because I cried.''  
_**-Anonymous**

* * *

_Dean stiffens and his breath catches in his throat as he whips around, his throat aching with either hysteric laughter or cries of joy. Which? He can't tell. ''M-Mom?''_

Mary Winchester, clad in her white nightgown, her golden hair framing her pretty face, smiles that gentle smile of hers and places a plate of chocolate chip cookies on the table. ''Hello angel.''

Before he knows it, his arms are around her and he's holding her so tightly if she were alive, she'd be worried about air becoming an issue. However, he pulls back after a few seconds and eyes both her and John wearily. ''I'm dreaming, aren't I?''

Mary smiles softly and touches her cheek. ''Afraid so, sweetie.''

He lets out a breath and rolls his eyes, stepping away from her and beginning to pace. ''Well...that's just great. That's just fucking great.'' Mary's hand comes into contact with his head and he pauses, turning to her with an arched eyebrow. ''I did not care for that.''

''Language, Dean,'' she chides, shaking her head. ''Honestly, you and your mouth. You'd think you were raised in a barn.'' She sinks into the seat next to her husband and Dean watches with fascination as their hands clasp together.

''I get it from him,'' he mumbles defensively, crooking a finger towards John.

''Yes, I am well aware of that.''

''So...'' Dean flops unceremoniously into an armchair and blows out a breath. ''What exactly am I doing here? No, better yet; what are _you_ doing here? You know, invading my subconscious.''

''Well,'' John huffs. ''We're here to help you. _Obviously._''

Dean's eyes darken with offense as he folds his arms over his chest. ''I don't need any help. I'm doin' fine on my own.''

''Dean,'' Mary sighs tiredly. ''Please don't act like a child.''

''I'm not!''

''You're _pouting_,'' John points out. ''And it ain't cute anymore either.''

Immediately, Dean uncrosses his arms and sits up straight. Okay, this is like uncharted territory. He's having some kind of weird dream and his dead parents are trying to _parent_ him.

(Is there a gas leak in the haunted house he is currently laying unconscious in?)

''This is just friggin' weird.''

''Dean....''

''Mom, I am in my _thirties, _I'm allowed to swear! And that wasn't even a bad one!'' His mother frowns and narrows her eyes, he folds like a wet napkin, closing his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose like he feels a headache coming on. ''I'm sorry; it must be the pressure of being alone with _two dead people!_''

''All right.'' John draws in a tired breath and rises to his feet. ''Look, son - ''

(Dean scoffs at that.)

'' - I know this must be hard for you but to be honest, your mother and I have neither the time nor the patience for your _smart ass _attitude.''

''John,'' Mary clicks her tongue at him in disapproval and stands, moving to sit on the arm of Dean's chair. She still smells like lilies. ''Honey, your life....it's....very different than the average person's. You've experienced a lot of heartache, pain that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy - ''

''Ma, are we nearing your point?''

''Right. Sorry. Dean, my point is, you have the chance to get your happy ending and _you're not taking it.''_

Dean blinks and wonders if his mother has lost her mind. Before he can even open his mouth to attempt to say something, his father speaks up, arms crossed, wry smile on his face. ''Did you ever think that maybe the reason people keep referring to you as an idiot is _because you're an idiot_?''

For a moment, all Dean can do is stare open mouthed at his parents. Who have both just insulted his intelligence. Seriously, isn't this some sort of child abuse? Finally, the shock leaves his eyes and he smirks (more like sneers) and sets his jaw. ''Gee, Mom, gee, Dad, I'm just basking in the love here. Really.''

''Honey,'' his mother rolls her eyes and stands, her eyes gentle but firm, like she's scolding a small child. ''You're angry at her, that's perfectly understandable. But you need to get over that anger and move on with your life. There are things you don't understand. Everything Ruby has ever done has a reason.''

''Yes, but she won't _tell_ me!'' He bursts out. Jesus, it's not like his parents ever butt into his love life before, why start now? ''She won't tell me what the reasons are!''

''Maybe not,'' John says in a low voice. ''But we can show you.'' With that, he reaches out and roughly yanks his elder son to his feet. When Dean regains his balance and stands straight, the first thing he notices is that they're not in Kansas anymore (oh, another Wizard of Oz reference, 'cause that's not going to get old). They're in some shitty motel room and the shower is running.

''Oh for fu...'' He trails off when his mother sends him a death glare, gulping and shifting slightly, much to John's amusement. ''For God's sake, what are we doing and where are we doing it? Are we in my past? Is this some kind of stupid Dean Winchester This Is Your Life thing? Are we in a memory?''

''Yes, but we're not in _your _memory, sweetheart,'' Mary says softly. ''We're in Ruby's.''

As if on cue, the shower turns off and after a moment, Ruby steps out of the bathroom, water droplets glistening on her skin, a towel wrapped around her body. Dean's jaw drops for a split second and his eyes roam her body instinctively before he remembers he is in the presence of his _parents_ and he clears his throat nervously. ''And....what memory is this?''

''She's about to find out.'' John says plainly.

Dean rolls his eyes. ''Oh, thank you. That's helpful. What is she about to - whoa!''

Past Ruby drops the towel.

''Okay!'' Instantly, Mary turns John away and reaches out, smacking Dean upside the head. ''Close your mouth.''

If she ever finds out he's been traipsing all her over memories with his parents, watching her naked (doesn't that sound weird and creepy?) she is going to _kill_ him. She will actually kill him dead. Past Ruby gets dressed (way too quickly for Dean's taste) but when she tries to button her jeans, she finds she has a problem. Off to the side, Dean is remembering something, words from long ago.

_''How did you find out?''_

_''My jeans wouldn't button.''_

He raises his eyebrows and has to swallow. ''Oh.''

Ruby gives up and moves into the bathroom to look at herself in the mirror. In a daze, Dean lets his father push him after her. She tilts her head to the side and stares at her reflection. She turns sideways and studies her profile and he can practically see the wheels turning in her head. He stands close by, right behind her, eyes carefully watching her every move. ''Okay, Ruby,'' she says to herself with a nervous laugh. ''Time to lay off the fries.''

''Come on, Ruby, you're not that stupid,'' he whispers in her ear.

With a shake of her head, she turns and....walks right through him on her way out. He gasps slightly and she freezes in the doorway. At first, he thinks she must know he's there, but when she turns around and there's fear shining brightly in her eyes and her hand is lingering on her stomach he knows she's realized something big. Like oh yeah, she's pregnant. She moves back over to the mirror and studies herself critically before she starts to count on her fingers.

''When she found out she was pregnant....'' His mother's voice startles him slightly because he's forgotten he's not alone. ''......You were dead and she was all alone.''

''She was scared,'' John continues. ''And pregnant and that's when the doubt and insecurity started to weigh down on her.''

''Dean....'' Ruby's voice whispers and he whips around to face her, darkened eyes studying her carefully as she closes her eyes and breathes. ''You fucking bastard. What have you done to me?''

The world around him shifts before he can answer and he has to reach out and steady himself against the wall to stay upright. He notices, however, that his parents aren't at all put off by the shifting. When the world stops, he finds himself looking at a different vision of Ruby. This one looks pale and tired (so tired) as she wraps herself in his jacket and crawls into bed. She lays still for a moment, eyes dull and blank and then her bottom lip trembles and she starts to cry. ''Ruby....'' He whispers her name and moves next to her, longing to reach out and touch her. She wipes away her tears at first but they keep coming and eventually she gives up and lets herself cry. ''Ruby....'' He says again.

''Being a mother....'' Mary says and suddenly she's right beside him, her hand on his shoulder. ''It was never part of her plan. Being a mother was terrifying, messy and unpredictable.''

''She didn't want the baby,'' John speaks up from the other side of Ruby as her silent tears become whimpers. ''Because she couldn't handle the thought of screwing up the only piece of you left in the world.''

''She tries, Dean,'' Mary whispers. ''She tried not to care about her baby. But there are some things that cannot be erased. Like a mother's love.'' She reaches out and puts a hand on her son's temple, causing the world around them to lurch and spin again.

Ruby's on another bed, tears once again streaming down her face but this time, there's a sleeping baby on the bed beside her and Sam is standing next to the bed. ''I didn't want to, Sam,'' she says through broken cries. ''I tried so hard not to...I did. But I couldn't....she's just....she's....so perfect.....she's beautiful and perfect and she's mine and...and...'' She dissolves into tears once again and Dean swallows hard, his fingers itching to touch her, just once.

''You love her,'' Sam whispers, his voice sounding oddly raw and strained. ''Don't you?''

Dean holds his breath and looks at Ruby. When she responds, he finds himself answering with her. ''Yes.'' This time, when everything changes to tell another tale, Dean barely reacts.

''And she tried....'' John trails off and shakes his head, folding his arms, the three now standing in Bray's darkened nursery. ''She tried to be a good mother. She tried with everything she had.''

''What do you mean there's nothing we can do about it?!'' Ruby screeches, pacing the length of the room. ''There has to be something we can do about it!''

''Ruby,'' Bobby says, like he's trying not to startle her. ''There is nothing _wrong_ with your daughter.''

''But her eyes....''

''It's in her genes.'' Sam's voice is gentle and soft as he holds Bray against his chest. ''It's just part of who she is, Ruby. It makes her _yours_.''

And Dean's trying to keep his eyes hard and emotionless, but it's so hard to do that when she's here right in front of him _alive_ and he can't touch her. ''But,'' Mary speaks and he finds himself wishing his mother and father would stop with the whole finishing each other's sentence thing because it's getting creepy. ''The doubt was stronger than any of her attempts to be a good mother and there were always these little voices in her head telling her she would mess her daughter's life up, telling her she wasn't good enough.''

''Oh, god,'' Ruby moans, falling to her knees next to Sam, her desperate hands caressing her daughter's face. ''I did this...I did this to her. I'm sorry, baby. I'm so sorry.''

He wants to tell her that it's not her fault, he wants to tell her their daughter is a perfectly normal five year old and she has not doomed her at all, but the scene changes as the page is turned and he never gets a chance.

''I _do_ love you, Lila Bray,'' Ruby whispers as she rocks Bray gently. ''But....'' Something about the tone of her voice scares Dean, makes him shiver. ''But your father will love you more than I_ ever _could.''

He closes his eyes and tries to breathe. These images, these memories, he doesn't want them. He doesn't want to do this anymore. He's going crazy; he's fucking ready to pull his hair out. What is the point of this? He can't take this anymore, he _can't_. But his parents aren't done with him yet; they need to make him understand. When he opens his eyes, there is gravel crunching under his feet and there's a light breeze in the air and he recognizes this place, but wishes he didn't.

''So, she did the only thing she could think of....'' Mary says.

''No.'' Dean shakes his head and backs away from his parents, his eyes widening in disbelief. ''No, no, no, no. I won't watch this! I won't!'' He turns to run, intent on having his little tantrum somewhere, anywhere else. This is the place where deals are made, where families are broken and souls are sold. He should know. But he can't run, because when he whirls around he finds himself face to face with Ruby. There are tear tracks on her ashen cheeks but her eyes are what scare him the most. They're hollow and empty and they look a hell of a lot like giving up. ''Ruby....'' His voice is not the only voice that says her name, and he doesn't want to but he turns around anyways, eyes flashing angrily when he sees _that bitch. _''You....You did this.''

''What a pleasant surprise.'' The crossroads demon drawls, her tongue darting out to lick her lips. She's feral and animalistic in her movements and Dean swears he's going to kill her.

''I assume you know why I'm here,'' Ruby says calmly as she wraps her arms around herself.

''Ruby, don't do this!'' He's pretty sure he's about ready to blow, his hands reaching out to grab her. He doesn't touch her of course, his hands go right through her, but he makes no attempt to calm himself as desperation grows.

''Dean....'' His father says and his voice is gentle, a strange thing for him. ''She can't hear you.''

''Of course I know why you're here,'' the crossroads demon says smoothly and her voice is like nails on a chalkboard. ''You're here about that Winchester boy.''

''Ruby, stop this, don't do it! Walk away! Go home to your daughter!''

''Can you bring him back?'' Ruby asks, Dean's desperate pleas falling on deaf ears.

''I can do anything.''

''Good.'' Ruby smiles widely and moves forwards, suddenly looking almost as dangerous as the crossroads demon herself. ''Because I think I can make it worth your while.''

''Oh, really?'' The evil bitch wearing the face of some poor brunette in a little black dress, scoffs and moves to circle the other woman. ''And what makes you think that? Huh? What makes you think I'd do anything for you? I hate you.''

''Because,'' Ruby shrugs like it's no big deal. ''If you do this, if you bring him back, I'll give you what you've been wanting ever since I pissed you off long ago.''

''And what's that?''

''Me.''

''No!'' Dean intercepts, yelling and screaming and begging and pleading right in Ruby's face even though he knows she can't hear him. ''Let me go, Ruby! Please, _please_ let me go, baby. Don't do this!''

''Now, that does sound interesting.'' The crossroads demon licks her lips again like she's ready to make Ruby her next meal. ''So, let me get this straight; if I bring that insufferable Winchester back, you'll let me take you like I took him?''

Ruby nods and it's not hard to see the desperate plea in her eyes. ''Take me. Go ahead, see if I care. I just need him back. I need him to - ''

'' - Take care of pretty little Lila Bray?''

A violent snarl rips through Ruby's teeth and she takes a dangerous step towards the brunette demon. ''Don't you ever say her name like that again.''

''Now, now,'' the brunettes shakes her head and clicks her tongue. ''If I were you I'd be a little nicer, I do hold your future in my hands after all. Or rather, Dean's future.''

Ruby presses her lips together and Dean lets out a frustrated yell. ''Ruby, don't!''

The crossroads demon is silent for a moment, presumably considering the offer. She studies Ruby silently, circling her and letting her eyes roam the other demon. ''You have been a pain in my ass for a long time,'' she concedes. ''And it would be deliciously fun to watch the Winchester boys break over your death.''

(Ruby's eyes flash with pain briefly.)

''But are you sure this is what you want? Are you sure you're willing to leave it all behind?''

''Please....'' Ruby's voice grows haunted and lost. ''Please, take whatever you want from me; do whatever you want to me just _give him back_.''

''Whatever I want, hmm?'' The crossroads demon smiles a wolfish smile and comes to a stop in front of Ruby, looking like a predator ready to pounce. ''Well, now, Ruby; I think you've got yourself a deal.''

''Fine,'' Ruby spits out. ''How many days do I get?''

''Oh, Ruby...'' She laughs and shakes her head. ''Not how many days,'' her eyes harden and flash red. ''How many _hours._'' And then she pulls Ruby to her and crushes her lips onto hers.

_''No!''_

* * *

_''Do you know the terror of he who falls asleep? To the very toes he is terrified, because the ground gives way under him, and the dream begins.''  
_**-Friedrich Nietzsche**

**end chapter sixteen**

* * *

**AN: And there you have it. I have to say writing John and Mary was fun, they were awfully....amusing for two dead people. Ruby's discovery, Ruby's deal.....the scenes you didn't get to see. Only two more chapters now. **


	17. all the broken little pieces

_AN: Okay now people this is the second to last chapter and I'm already getting all emotional._

**Disclaimer:** I do not own anything.

* * *

**a ghost of you is all that i have left**

_Written by Becks Rylynn_

* * *

_Chapter Seventeen:_

* * *

_**Michael:**__ The shit hath hitith the fan....ith.  
_**-10 Things I Hate About You**

* * *

_''No!''_

Dean lunges forwards intent on wrapping his hands around the crossroads demon's neck and squeezing until her eyes pop out of her head like champagne corks, but his parents hold him back. A growl grows in his chest and he wrenches free of their grasp, turning on them with murderous eyes. ''Why?! Why did you make me....What was the point? Are you trying to torture me?! Are you trying to _break_ me?!''

''Dean...'' Mary's voice is desperate, caring and gentle. ''You need to see these things if you want to _understand_.''

''No! I don't need to see these things!'' This dream or whatever the fuck it is, is turning into a nightmare, a horrible form of torture and cruelty. All these emotions are rushing to the surface and he can't make them go away. And he's stuck here because he cannot remember how to wake up.

''Lila Bray,'' he hears her voice whisper and her voice is so consumed with grief that there is only one thing it could be. ''My baby girl.'' A goodbye.

''No.'' He shakes his head when his parents gesture for him to turn around. Oh yeah, he's pretty sure they're just trying to torture him. ''No, I'm not....I won't! You!'' He points an accusing finger at them and tries to ignore the loud (deafening) beating of his heart. ''Get me out of here! Now!''

John sighs heavily as if his son is tiring him and effortlessly turns Dean around to face the blonde.

They're in the nursery again and she's in the rocking chair, a tiny bundle held in her arms. ''You...You mean everything to me, Bray,'' Ruby says and Dean starts to tremble. ''I need you to know that, okay? That's why I'm doing this, it's for you. All for you, baby. H-He can give you everything. He can give you a life...I can't. I wish I could. I wish I could stay.''

When she lets out a sob, he backs himself against the wall like a terrified animal and pretends he can't hear her. ''No,'' he squeezes his eyes shut and shakes his head. ''I'm not here, I'm not here.''

''Oh, god, Lila Bray, I wish I could stay with you. But I can't. I have to go. I _have_ to. I have to let you go.....I have to give you away....this...this is what I need to do. For you. You need to understand, if I stay I'll only bring you down. You and your daddy. And I can never just leave....I wouldn't....I wouldn't be able to stay away. This is the only way.'' She starts to sob, whispering ''I love you'' over and over again and he remains backed against the wall, sliding to the ground. His own cries are caught in his throat, trying to find their way out. This isn't fair,_ this isn't fair_. He never needed to see this, how is this supposed to help him? How is this supposed to make him feel better? ''Oh, god, Bray....Bray, I was so sure....that I didn't want you. I was so sure you were never going to be what I wanted. But I was wrong. Lila Bray....you are all I could _ever_ want.''

He looks up towards his parents through blurry eyes and the anger rises again, but whatever he is about to say gets lost somewhere when he sees they're not looking at him, but at Ruby and they're both just as affected by her words.

''I have done so many things in my life and none of them were good,'' Ruby says. ''But you...Baby, you are the _one good thing_ I ever did. I love you...more than I could ever love anyone else in the world.''

All the broken little pieces of him break into even tinier pieces and he drops his head into his hands, trying to breathe around the cries he is holding in. ''Why are you doing this to me?'' And he can't take the hurt anymore (he's been hurting for five years and he's sick of it) so when he looks back up at John and Mary, the only thing they can see is the anger. ''So, what? Are you going to make me watch her die next? Huh?!''

''Baby - ''

''Take me back!'' He scrambles to his feet, chest heaving up and down. ''Take me back right now! I never asked for this, I never wanted this! I don't want these memories!'' The tears spill over before he can have a chance to stop them and he covers his face with his hands because he can't get Ruby's last words out of his head. He's sure he never will. All he wants is to wake up from this nightmare, he wants to go home, he _can't do this anymore_. He is strong and he can take a lot but he can't take this. Instantly, arms are wrapped around him and his mother is holding him tightly gently shushing him like he's a child.

(He has flashes of a four year old boy crying because there are monsters under the bed and his mommy comforting him, slender arms wrapping around him as her voice gentle shushes him back to sleep.)

''Sshh, baby, it'll be all right, it'll be okay. I know how much this hurts but you have to trust me, there are things you need to learn.''

Dean swallows and pulls away from her, trying not to push her away when she kisses away his tears (because he can't stand being touched right now). ''Mom, you _don't_ know. You don't know how much this hurts, how could you?''

''I know.''

All eyes turn to John. Just as gruff as ever -

(His tendency to be Callous and Unreachable is what Dean remembers most about his father.)

- But understanding and sympathy lie somewhere in his eyes. ''I know what it's like,'' he says gently. ''To grieve for someone for years, I know what it feels like to lose someone like that, to feel grief and sorrow and unimaginable pain when you look at your child because all you can see is the person you lost.'' He advances forwards, quite bravely and, frightened by this show of feeling from his previously distant father, Dean takes a few steps back. ''I know what that's like, Dean. How everything hurts and some days it hurts just to breathe. And there are people in your life who want to help and make you feel okay again but you can't remember how to feel okay. Not without _that someone._ I've been there, you know that. But you....you have something I didn't have, son - ''

(This time, Dean doesn't flinch when his father calls him that.)

'' - You have a second chance. You don't have to wait until death to be with her again.''

Dean closes his eyes and his breathing comes in gasps. When he opens his eyes, he's at the crossroads again, only this time it's different. Ruby is there once again, slumped to the ground, pale and shaking as she crossroads demons stands over her, arms crossed, smirk in place.

''I'm sorry, baby.'' Mary whispers. ''This is the last one, I promise.''

''Maybe, Dean,'' John says as he looks at Ruby. ''You're not the only one a little broken inside.''

(A _little?_)

There are so many things Dean would like to say to his father, but voices from the past interrupt him and he has no choice but to shut up and listen.

Ruby, shaking, sweaty, pale and obviously in a great deal of pain, pushes hair from her face and rolls onto her back, gazing up at the darkened sky. ''I'm not in hell.''

''Nope.'' The crossroads demon has a new body, brown hair, black dress and her eyes, chocolate in color, look like they could be kind and gentle. Her voice is cheery and soft and in another life, this girl might have been sweet and kind. Now she's being used for shadows and darkness, her eyes malicious and stained with evil. ''Hell is for chumps, sweetie. This is the real torture.''

''What are you - ''

''Talking about?'' She laughs and crouches down next to Ruby, softly almost tenderly (creepy) brushing blond hair away from her eyes.

Dean tenses and his fists clench. _His girl...._

''All those years ago,'' the crossroads demons hisses and yanks Ruby's hair violently earning a groan from the blonde, who grits her teeth and it's obvious she's trying not to give the other demon the satisfaction of hearing her cry out in pain. ''You _tortured _me. You know, I've been tortured many times in The Pit, but no one could ever make me scream like you could. And I never _ever_ forgot that. So, now, it's my turn.''

Despite the pain she's in, despite the fear flowing through her system, Ruby manages a wheezing laugh and pushes herself onto her hands and knees. ''And how are you going to do that? I'm already dead.''

When she attempts to get to her feet, the other demon lazily flicks a hand out with a sharp warning of, ''Stay down.'' Like she has been physically pushed, Ruby tumbles back down to the gravel. ''Actually,'' the brunette inspects her nails critically and runs her tongue over her teeth. ''You're not.''

Ruby is not the only one who freezes at that statement. In the background, Dean's eyes widen and he makes a pathetic gasping noise as he searches for breath that he cannot find. He moves forwards, letting out a growl of, ''What?'' Even though he knows they can't hear him.

''What are you talking about?'' Ruby hisses out through clenched teeth. ''I know I died. I _felt_ it.''

''No. See, you're not quite dead, sweetheart. But you're not quite alive either. You're trapped somewhere in between. And that is where you'll remain forever. A _ghost_ for eternity.''

Dean lets out a breath and moves closer to Ruby. He feels like he needs to protect her somehow, but he knows he won't be able to.

She looks up at the crossroads demon with wide (and terrified) blue eyes. ''You...You can't do that.''

''I can. Sweetie, your deal was; I bring Dean Winchester home and I get to do whatever I want to you. Well, this is what I want.''

Ruby lets out a despairing whimper, a cry of pain and sorry (and maybe a little regret). ''Oh, god.''

''Not even close, little girl.''

A moment passes, too long and too silent, and then Ruby looks up at the demon, her eyes fierce and determined. ''Maybe I should be thanking you. This way at least I can be with Dean.''

''Hmmm....'' The brunette's eyes flash red and her lips twist into an ugly sneer as she reaches down and roughly pulls Ruby to her unsteady feet. ''But do you really think you're ever going to be good enough, Ruby?''

Fear flashes in the blonde's eyes as she looks at the crossroads demon in horror. ''W-What?''

''That's your worst fear, isn't it, darling?'' Mock sympathy dances in the brunette demon's eyes as she slowly begins to circle Ruby like she's getting ready to pounce. ''The fear that you're not good enough, that you will never be good enough. Think about it, _babe_. You're a demon, he's a hunter. You're everything he hates, he could never love you. You were just an easy lay, a hot little bitch he could use and abuse.''

Ruby turns on her, fire ablaze in her eyes. ''You don't know what you're talking about, hell bitch.''

''Don't I?'' The crossroads demon's eyes are so cold and calculating as she looks at Ruby like she really does pity her. ''I think I'm right on the marker. I know all those little insecurities swirling around in that pretty little head of yours. You think you're not enough to be a mother, a friend, a demon, you think you're not enough to be _Dean's._ That's why you did this, Ruby and you know it. You killed yourself because of the fear that you would never be enough. Well, guess what, sweet cheeks?'' She leans in close to whisper in Ruby's ear. ''You were right.''

Ruby snarls and takes a swing at the demon but the other woman easily catches her arm and with inhuman strength, sends her flying backwards. Ruby lands hard on the ground, sore and twisted inside.

The crossroads demon growls and smoothes her dress down before waggling her finger at the other woman in disappointment. ''Shame on you.'' Now, she's angry. Her heels crunch on gravel as she comes closer and closer to Ruby and it's easy to see the blonde wants to move away but something is holding her in place. In an instant, the red eyed demon has pulled the helpless demon (or is it ghost now?) up by her hair. ''You're not enough, Ruby! You never will be! _You're not enough!_ Not pretty enough, not smart enough, not a good enough mother, not a good enough friend, not a good enough _lover_. You're just not _good enough_!'' She stops and takes a deep breath like she's trying to control herself. A gentle (and psychotic) smile plays across her lips as she trails a finger down Ruby's cheek. ''Are you?''

Slowly, Ruby shakes her head, tears dripping down her cheeks. ''N-No.''

''That's right, sweetie. All those voices in your head telling you how horrible you are, telling you you're not good enough, they're all right. Remember that.'' The crossroads demon lets go of her and Ruby collapses to the ground, trembling and crying. Lip curling in disgust, the brunette shakes her head and flips her hair over her shoulder. ''Have a nice eternity, Ruby.'' And then she's gone.

Only it's not just Ruby who is left to deal with the fall out.

''Ruby....'' Dean's voice comes out choked, strangled and raw as he rushes forwards and drops to his knees in front of her. ''No. No, Ruby, it's not true, it's not. You're good enough. You've always been good enough. Look at me. Baby, _look at me!_''

''Dean!'' Two pairs of arms drag him away from her, even though he's still struggling and fighting them.

''Ruby, please look at me! You're enough!''

His parents continue to drag him away and when he whirls around to yell at them, he finds himself back in the house in Lawrence. He silences immediately and that's when the weight of everything he has learned comes crashing down on him and he feels dizzy, like the wind has been knocked out of him. When his legs start to give out, his father pushes him into a chair with a concerned frown.

They're all silent for a moment before Mary speaks. ''Do you understand now, Dean? The crossroads demon may have been a bitch - ''

(Both her husband and son shoot her looks because the _saintly _Mary Winchester has just swore.)

'' - But she was right about one thing. On the outside, Ruby may be this tough, kick ass - ''

(_Another _swear.)

'' - Woman with a take no prisoners attitude and black eyes that hide everything away but on the inside she is just a girl, a scared little girl lost who believes she is never going to be good enough for you or for Bray. That's why she did it, that's why she did it _all_. She is stained with the feeling that she isn't good enough and she keeps waiting for you to tell her that she is good enough but you never do.''

''But I never knew.....I didn't....She never told me she felt that way.''

Mary smiles sadly. ''People often hide things away inside because they think it's safer. You, my boy, should know that better than anyone.''

Dean doesn't say anything, but shifts slightly, still trying to process it all. Finally, he runs a hand down his exhausted face and manages to croak out, ''What do I do now?''

''Dean,'' John starts, crossing his arms over his chest. ''You know when I first woke up here I was so afraid that your mother would see me and I wouldn't be the John Winchester she was hoping for. I was afraid I wouldn't be _good enough_ for her. But then, when she saw me she smiled and said ''I've been waiting for you for a long time'' and I knew somehow everything would be all right.''

Dean blinks, stares at his father and then shakes his head in confusion. ''What am I supposed to do with that?''

John sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose like he's desperately trying not to throttle his son. ''I _really_ hope my granddaughter got her mother's brains. Let the stupidity die out with you.''

''Oh, thank you, father dear, as if I didn't have enough Daddy Issues already,'' Dean remarks dryly.

''You need to make her realize she is good enough,'' John says. ''You need to prove her wrong.''

Mary nods in agreement and smiles that gentle smile that no one else in the world has. ''But first...'' She leans forwards and caresses his cheek with a touch only a mother could have. ''You need to wake up.''

* * *

His eyes fly open as he gasps loudly, gulping for air like he hasn't breathed in days.

''Dean...''

Sam's voice sounds far away but filled relief and Dean can feel his brother's hands on his face, bringing him back to consciousness. All he can remember is the poltergeist and a sharp pain in the back of his head. But....he feels like he's forgetting something. Something important. ''Sammy?''

''Dean, thank God. You're alive.'' And then Sam (quite roughly) shoves his brother back onto the floor and stands.

Dean blinks. ''Uh...._ow._''

''You stupid idiot!''

_''Did you ever think that maybe the reason people keep referring to you as an idiot is _because you're an idiot_?''_

Wait.

What?

Dean groans slightly and hauls himself to his feet, moving his hand to the back of his head and desperately trying to remember what he's apparently forgotten.

''I told you, Dean! I told you this was a bad idea but _no!_ You just had to come here and nearly get yourself fucking killed! God, if Ruby hadn't been here - ''

''Ruby?'' The elder Winchester's head snaps upwards and he looks at his brother with a strange look in his eyes. And that's when he remembers. _Everything._ Every sordid little detail. He remembers all of it. ''Holy shit.''

''Yeah, she was here,'' Sam's saying, totally unaware of his brother's turmoil. ''And you're damn lucky she was. She saved your stupid ass! She got the poltergeist by the way. Completely obliterated it. Guess sometimes it's handy to be a ghost, you can kill other gh - ''

''Sam!'' Dean interrupts (loudly) his brother's rambling and steps forwards, grabbing him by the shoulders. Something in his eyes must frighten Sam because he shuts up right away. ''Ruby....is she still here?''

''No.'' Sam frowns deeply and peers anxiously at his brother's facial expression. ''Dean, what's going on?''

''I just....I need to find her.'' Dean sighs and brings a hand to his forehead. ''Look, I'll explain it to you later, okay? I have to get to Ruby, I need to see her, I need to tell her she's good enough!''

''Dean....what the hell are you talking about? Have you gone insane again?''

''No, I haven't - '' Dean whips around to face his brother, eyes narrowed. ''What do you mean _again_?'' When Sam shrugs sheepishly, Dean shakes his head and holds his hands up. ''Never mind. Sam, I promise you I will explain everything later,'' Dean says desperately, already racing towards the exit. ''But right now I have to go bring Ruby home, okay?''

''Ooooh,'' Sam drawls, slow grin taking over his face. ''That's what this is about.''

Dean forces himself not to roll his eyes. Honestly, does his family (dead and alive) just like to amuse themselves by talking about his relationship with Ruby? Is nothing sacred in this family? As he starts towards the door, he hears Sam call after him.

''What the fuck took you so long, Dean?''

Honestly?

He has no idea.

* * *

_**Alex Karev: **__Doesn't matter how tough we are, trauma always leaves a scar. It follows us home, it changes our lives, trauma messes everybody up, but maybe that's the point. All the pain and the fear and the crap. Maybe going through all of that is what keeps us moving forward. It's what pushes us. Maybe we have to get a little messed up, before we can step up.  
_**-Grey's Anatomy, Elevator Love Letter**

**end chapter seventeen**

* * *

**AN: So there you have it. The reason for everything. This is why Ruby did everything she did. It may not seem like a good reason but trust me, when you don't believe you're good enough that is all you think about. You know, I have to say....I'm not really a fan of Grey's Anatomy. But I love that quote. So, Dean's ready to stop being an idiot now. Great. Now he just has to convince Ruby she's good enough.**


	18. like most fairytales

_AN: *sobs* Well, it's time. It's time for the end. I can't believe this story was one going to be a stupid little oneshot. Sorry it took so long, I'm sure you all know about the logging in problems we had on today. I was panicking. Thought I wouldn't be able to post this chapter. Then you would have had to wait three weeks._

**Disclaimer:** I can't believe this is the last time I have to write a disclaimer for this story. Bear with me I'm a little emotional. I do not own the characters of Supernatural, I do not own the quotes or the song 'Dream a Little Dream of Me'.

* * *

**a ghost of you is all that i have left**

_Written by Becks Rylynn_

* * *

_Chapter Eighteen:_

* * *

_**Westley:**__ Hear this now: I will always come for you.  
__**Buttercup: **__But how can you be sure?  
__**Westley: **__This is true love - you think this happens every day?  
_**-The Princess Bride**

* * *

And it goes like this....

He'd drive all the miles in the world to get to her. And that may make it sound like they have an epic romance, a love story that must be told but that is simply not the case. They are not epic. They are just two people. Two people who are broken and fragile and damaged goods, two people who have been star crossed up until this point. They couldn't find their way to each other in all the darkness and grief but...but that is all going to change.

He _needs_ it to change.

The story, _their_ story, it has to end better. It can't be a tragedy. It has to mean something more. All the heartache and the pain; it has to lead to The End. It has to end to Happily Ever After.

It _has_ to.

He needs to fix this.

So, no. They are not epic. This is not a tragic love story. Not Romeo and Juliet, not Jack and Rose, not Oliver and Jennifer, they are not _that couple_ who ends tragically. They are just Dean and Ruby.

They are just in love.

* * *

_**Lloyd Dobler: **__One question: do you need someone or do you need me?  
__**Diane Court: **__I need you.  
_**-Say Anything**

* * *

Its dawn by the time he pulls the car into Singer Salvage Yard and wrenches the door open, taking off for her grave. The branches are blowing in the wind and the birds are just starting to chirp as he lays his eyes on the white cross.

''Ruby....'' He says her name with desperation in his voice and hopes she'll come. ''Ruby!'' He says it again, louder this time and the wind picks up for half a second, he closes his eyes. ''Ruby, I know you're there. I can feel you.''

''Dean?''

''Ruby?'' He opens his eyes and sees her standing there, beneath the tree, her blond hair blowing slightly in the breeze.

She looks concerned, worried about him and yes, she looks just as beautiful as always. Somewhat reluctantly, she steps forwards, like she wants to comfort him. ''Dean, what's wro - ''

But she doesn't get to finish her sentence because in the next second, he's closed the distance between them and captured her lips in his own. The kiss is hard and has a desperate quality to it and she squeaks in surprise at first, but melts almost instantly, wrapping her arms around his neck and kissing him back with everything in her. Eventually, the kiss has to end (one of them has to breathe) and when they break apart her eyes are shocked and surprised as she takes a step away from him.

''Oh, Ruby,'' he smiles softly and draws in a sharp breath as he meets her eyes. ''I've been waiting a long time for you.''

She swallows and the space between words is just long enough for her to press two fingers to her lips gentle and regain control of herself. She takes another step away (he frowns at that) and shakes her head nervously. ''Dean, I don't....I don't....I don't understand.''

He looks at her carefully, trying to study her, dissect every move she makes. She's startled; he can see it in her eyes, her body language. Maybe she's even a little scared. Well, that's just fine; he's a little scared too. He's never....He's never done anything like this before. After a while, he lets out a breath and moves past her, bringing his eyes to the rising sun. ''You know, Ruby, I've never told anybody this but....when my dad was alive, I was always constantly thinking I would never be good enough for him.''

She freezes and her fists clench at her sides. A thousand things are rushing through her head and she has no idea what brought this on, but he's scaring her. It's almost like he.....like he _knows._ ''W-What?''

''Well, I mean, I saw the way he looked at Sam. He was always so proud of him. Even if he didn't say it; he was proud. Of Sam. Not me. And I was always left with this horrible, sickening feeling in my stomach that I would never be good enough for him.'' He pauses and swallows. Guess he's never realized how much they're alike, him and Ruby. ''He always kept one eye trained on Sam every waking moment of every single day, too. When we were kids. Like no matter what happened in our lives, he couldn't let anything happen to that boy. Never looked at me like that. Of course, I know now he did that because he was afraid if he didn't keep an eye on Sam, he would turn.''

''Dean....'' She frowns, lips pursing. Cautiously, she takes a small, tiny step forwards and then stops, wondering if he wants her near him right now. She draws in a breath that she doesn't need and then takes a chance, with another step. He doesn't snap at her, doesn't make her move away. That's something.

''But,'' Dean continues effortlessly, like he hasn't heard her small (almost frightened) voice. ''Back then it hurt me....'' He looks at the ground briefly. ''Maybe it still does,'' he adds quietly. ''It made me wonder if I was doing something wrong, you know, why didn't he ever look at me like that? Why wasn't he proud of me? Why didn't he look out for me? How come Sam got to be the Son and all I got to be was the Soldier.'' He turns around to face her and maybe this is _his_ sob story, _his _problems but she's the one that looks like she wants to run.

His eyes are burning into her like hot flames and she squirms under his intense gaze. And if her heart could beat, it would break her chest.

''Why wasn't I good enough? That's what I thought every day....when he was alive, that's all I could think. And then he died....died _for me_ and I realized maybe....maybe I was more than a Soldier, maybe I was good enough. If I wasn't, he would've just let me go, right?''

''Dean.....'' She would like to be perfectly composed but her eyes betray her, showcasing anxiety and the need to _run_ and she wraps her arms around herself like it's an attempt to hide her heart from him. ''W-Why are you telling m-me all of this?''

''Because....'' His eyes harden and this time, he's the one that takes a small step towards her. He's longing to reach out and touch her, but he doesn't. ''I don't understand, Ruby. I just....don't understand how you could it into your head that you are not good enough.''

Her eyes widen in fear and her hands move to cover her mouth. No. _No,_ he's not supposed to know, he's _never _supposed to know. No one is.

''Do I....Do I really make you feel like you're not good enough? Have I ever made you feel that way?'' He asks, urgently (another step). ''Because I don't-I don't mean too.'' He thinks, for a second, he might see tears in her eyes but when he looks again they're gone.

''How did you....?'' She stops and takes a breath. ''How did you find out?''

''My parents told me.''

Her face twists like she's in pain and she looks at the ground, hands moving to cover her eyes. ''I....I told them not to tell anyone,'' she moans. ''I didn't want anyone to know.'' Her voice catches and she's not looking at him but he knows she's crying now. For real. ''I didn't want anyone to know....h-how....weak I am.''

''Ruby, you may be a lot of things, but _weak_ is not one of them,'' he says, voice strong and confident (the opposite of hers at the moment).

A sob tumbles out of her lips and he can't just stand here any longer watching her cry and not doing anything about it. This is....This is _Ruby_ and he can't just let her cry. He's done that too many times over the years; he won't do it anymore. Stepping forwards (the last step) he wraps his arms around her and she has no choice but to let him hold her.

''I'm sorry,'' she rasps. ''I'm sorry, Dean. I'm sorry I'm like this. I'm sorry.''

''Ruby....'' He sighs and shakes his head. ''Stop. Just....stop being sorry. You don't have to be anymore.''

''Yes...Yes, I do. I messed it up, I messed _everything_ up.'' Her tears are soaking into his clothes (which surprises him a little because he hadn't known ghost tears could be so real) and she's shaking in his arms and he _doesn't like seeing her this broken._

''Baby...'' He laughs, slightly dry and sarcastic as he pulls away and brushes a tear off her cheek. ''I think we've both messed up over the years. _A lot._''

She doesn't say anything for a long time, biting her bottom lip hard to keep it from trembling. And then she speaks slowly and quietly, looking away. ''I wish I could be enough for you, Dean. But I'm not, I know I'm not and I'm sor - ''

_''Ruby.''_ He grabs her hands and pulls her a little closer, (more like _yanks_ her a little closer) his green eyes piercing through her. ''If you say sorry one more time I'm going to scream.''

''Sorry.''

''Okay, that one was on purpose.''

''A little.'' She smiles for about half a second before she frowns, her face thoughtful and curious. ''You....You called me 'baby'.''

''Well, what would you like me to call you?'' He asks, throwing her a smirk. ''Honey? Sweetheart? Sweet pea? Honeybunch?''

''Why did you call me baby? Why are you.....'' She tugs free of his grasp and takes a step back, tilting her head to the side as she looks him over. ''Why are you here?''

''Ruby,'' he sighs and pauses for a moment, the words getting caught in his throat momentarily. ''I'm going to say something now and you're going to listen, because this is important and I'm only going to say it once.''

She nods slightly, noting that even though they've pulled away from each other his hands are still touching her (he moves forwards and takes her hands actually) like he's afraid she'll disappear right in front of his eyes.

He looks at her, sees those blue eyes of hers that he loves so much and he tells her all of the things that he never got a chance to say before. ''You are enough. You are good enough for me, you _are._''

She blinks and swallows, beginning to gasp for air she doesn't need. ''But - ''

''No. Stop it,'' he demands, tightening his grip on her when she makes a move to run. ''You're enough. Look at me, Ruby.'' His hands move to her face, forcing her to meet his eyes. ''_Look at me._ You are more than enough, all right? You're beautiful....'' He presses a kiss to her forehead and she closes her eyes, still sniffling and crying but too frozen to move. ''....You're perfect....'' He kisses her nose and more tears slip out of her eyes and down her cheeks. ''....You're a good enough fighter....'' He kisses her right cheek, she bites her lip. ''....You're a good enough friend.....'' He kisses her left cheek, she swallows. ''....You're a good enough mother....'' He kisses her neck and she breathes, slightly strangled. ''And you're mine,'' he whispers. ''You're all mine.'' He kisses her lips and she whimpers. He kisses her harder.

It's exactly what every kiss should feel like, full of love and desperation (desperation isn't always bad, you know) and passion. It's the kind of kiss you see in the movies, when they're out in the rain, the kind no one wants to stop. And when his tongue slips into her mouth, she grips his jacket with trembling fingers and presses her body into his because _she's missed this_.

They do pull away....eventually. After a really long time that feels like eternity and his grip on her doesn't loosen because he's still afraid she'll run. ''Ruby, there isn't a part of you that I'm not in love with, okay? You have to believe me when I say that you're good enough because you are. You always have been. You...are all I want. You are all I will _ever_ want and that's....that's _never_ going to change. All those things....All those things that we've done, they don't matter because....because this is it now. You and me. Okay? Say okay. Please say okay.''

She smiles and her throat aches with tears (only this time it's the good kind of aching and they're the good kind of tears) as she wraps her arms around his neck and nods. ''Okay.''

He pulls away from her abruptly and his eyes light up but still hold a small hint of doubt as if he doesn't really believe her. ''Okay?''

She laughs, a hiccupy, crying kind of laugh and nods. ''Okay.'' Tears are still sliding down her cheeks but they're a different kind of tears (a _wonderful_ kind) as she smiles widely and brings herself closer. ''Okay,'' she says again. ''Okay, okay, okay, oka - ''

His lips are on hers before she can say anymore and he lifts her off the ground slightly, holding her safe and securely against his chest. ''Okay,'' he murmurs, pulling away from her, but barely. ''This is you and me now, this time we're playing for keeps.''

She shakes her head no, but her eyes sparkle brightly. ''We're not playing, Dean.''

He smiles (a smile that is only for her and a smile that feels damn good on his lips). ''That's right. We're not playing. No more fucking up, blondie.''

''No more fucking up, short bus.''

She kisses him this time, launching herself forwards, pressing her lips against his hard enough to send him stumbling back, his arms going around her instinctively. ''Ruby,'' he mumbles against her lips to get her attention. ''Ruby, come home.''

She breaks the kiss, looking at him curiously. ''Home?'' She echoes. ''Where is my home, Dean?''

''With me,'' he answers instantly and it's the easiest and most truthful thing he's ever said. ''Your home is with me and our daughter. That's where it's always been. You were always supposed to be with me, Ruby. You just....got a little lost on the way.''

Her eyes are sparkling with diamonds (tears actually) and she blinks. ''I think you're right.''

''Now,'' he brushes hair away from her eyes and cups her cheek gently. ''You need to promise me you will never let anyone make you feel like you aren't good enough. You're brilliant, brave, beautiful, strong, fearless, everything you do, Ruby, it makes you good enough. And if anyone ever makes you feel like you aren't, remember you are.....and then beat the crap out of them.''

''Touching,'' she remarks with a smirk.

''Say it, Ruby.'' His voice is firm, his eyes are doing that thing again, where they look at her and see through flesh and bone and right to her. The gaze that makes her squirm (and if she could: blush). ''Say you're good enough.''

She doesn't say anything. Not for a long time. A long, suffering minute and a half (yeah, that must feel like _forever_). The sun has risen by now, bright and warm and beautiful and nothing seems so dark anymore. It seems light and soft and it feels like the beginning of something new and wonderful. Slowly, after a moment of opening and closing her mouth several times, she looks into his eyes and says, ''I'm....I'm good enough.''

''Don't ever forget it.''

Her smile is slightly wobbly and her eyes are slightly glassy, but it's not forced or sad, it's happy. ''Dean Winchester,'' she says, hoarsely. ''I'm pretty damn sure I'm in love with you.'' She shrugs. ''I just thought you should know.''

He smirks and toys with a strand of her hair. ''I've been waitin' a long time to hear you say that, Ruby.''

''Sorry it took me so long.''

''Stop saying sorry.''

''Sorry!'' She pauses and blinks. ''I'll work on that.''

''Good. And for the record, I love you too. Now,'' he laughs and licks his lips. ''Kiss me again, Ruby Blue.''

She laughs (it sounds like a song) and takes a step towards him. ''I think I can do that.'' And she crashes her lips onto his.

And it doesn't matter that she is a ghost and he is a hunter (actually, he's a mechanic) because they can live with that. It doesn't matter that no one can see her, because he can see her and that's all that matters. It doesn't matter that they both have deep scars and open wounds because the scars will fade and the open wounds will heal. This is where they are supposed to be. This, right here, this feels right. This is forever. This is _home_.

(It's the story of two star crossed lovers who have been through hell and back and have finally found their way home to each other because they simply don't work when they are apart.)

.....All right. So, maybe their tale, maybe their story....

....Maybe it's a little epic.

They can live with that.

* * *

_**Duke:**__ That's my sweetheart in t__here. Wherever she is, that's where my home is.  
_**-The Notebook**

* * *

And it goes like this.....

Bray yawns and opens her eyes to sunlight and warm July air. When she rolls over, she sees she is surrounded by her stuffed animals, in her princess bed that she made Daddy buy her last year. Which is odd, because she's sure she fell asleep at her uncle Sammy's. Huh. Strange. She licks her dry lips and closes her eyes again, determined to go back to sleep because it is summer and summer is when you're supposed to sleep in late.

And then she hears the crash.

It comes from downstairs and it sounds like a glass breaking. Instantly, she's on red alert, jumping out of her bed, racing out of the room and down the stairs, holding her stuffed bunny close to her chest.

She's not really sure what she's expecting to see, but she's not expecting this. 'Cause, like, there's her daddy and her mommy and they're _kissing._ Her eyes widen comically and she looks down at her bunny with raised eyebrows. ''Well, Sniffles,'' she says loudly. ''It looks like we missed something important to the story.''

At the sound of their daughter's voice, Dean and Ruby jump apart and Ruby rolls off the counter, landing with a thud on the floor. ''Lila Bray,'' Dean laughs nervously, hauling Ruby to her feet. ''How long have you been standing there?''

''Daddy...'' Bray looks at him with wide blue eyes and steps closer, carefully avoiding the broken plate on the ground. ''Daddy, did you know that you were kissing Mommy?''

Dean smiles and glances at Ruby out of the corner of his eyes. ''Yeah, sugar, I know that.''

She narrows her eyes and looks at him for a moment before turning her eyes to her mother. After a moment of her daughter staring at her, Ruby grows uncomfortable. ''Bray,'' she starts, a little nervously. (_''Just relax,''_ she remembers a ghost murmuring into her ear in a lifetime that seems like light years away. _''Babies can smell fear._) ''Honey....'' She bends down to her daughter's level and Bray lets her mother pull her closer. ''....Is it all right with you if I come home now?''

Bray eyes her mother suspiciously. _Yes, of course it's all right,_ she wants to shout but keeps quiet for a long time before she finally sighs and looks at her mom with serious eyes. ''Will you leave again?''

Ruby shakes her head adamantly and Ruby can tell it's the truth because her mommy's eyes _shine_. ''Never again, Bray. _Never._''

''Then....okay.'' Bray whispers and she swallows hard before she rushes forwards into Ruby's arms. ''I want you to come home, Mommy! I missed you and-and I don't want you to leave again because then we'll get all sad and....and I love you, Mommy! I love you. Okay?''

Ruby closes her eyes and holds her daughter tight. (She won't cry, she won't...) ''I love you too, baby girl. More than anyone else in the world. And I will _never_ leave you again. I promise.'' Over her daughter's shoulder she meets Dean's eyes and smiles.

_No more fucking up._

* * *

_**Juno MacGuff: **__I think I'm in love with you.  
__**Paulie Bleeker: **__You mean as friends?  
__**Juno MacGuff:**__ No, I mean, like, for real. 'Cause you're, like, the coolest person I've ever met and you don't even have to try, you know....  
__**Paulie Bleeker: **__I try really hard, actually.  
_**-Juno**

* * *

It's a warm day, sunny and bright and Bray wants to go to the park. They think of all the gossipy women and loud children and they cringe, but they take her anyways because they can't say no. Not today, when their smiles are too bright and they can't say no to anything.

Alexander Crowell and his mother are there. She's on her phone, while he plays with some other boys and neither of them think anything of it. Until, halfway through an hour, Bray rushes past with Alexander on her heels. ''I can't _tell_ you, Alex!'' She cries.

''But, _Lila_,'' he whines. ''Why not?''

She rolls her eyes and turns to face him, hands on her hips, looking at him like he's the dumbest person she's ever met. ''It's called a _secret, _short bus.'' She runs off, giggling and he's left to stare after her, scowl on his face.

''You're the short bus....short bus.''

Dean's jaw drops open and Ruby's eyebrows raise. Slowly, they turn to look at each other.

Oh, boy. This could be a problem in the future.

She grins, takes his hand, and leans in closer to whisper in his ear. ''Well,'' she says. ''It looks like somebody's pressed the 'reset' button.''

* * *

_''Once in a while, right in the middle of an ordinary life, love gives us a fairytale.''  
_**-Anonymous**

* * *

That night as the moon is high in the sky and they're in bed (together again) she traces a picture of their future together on his bare chest with her index finger. She breaks the silence with a grin and sings to him. _''Stars shining bright above you, night breezes seem to whisper, ''I love you''; birds singin' in the sycamore tree; dream a little dream of me...''_

His arms tighten around her and he feels a smile tug at the corners of his mouth because he feels all right with her. _''Say ''nighty-night'' and kiss me, just hold me tight and tell me you'll miss me; while I'm alone and blue as can be, dream a little dream of me.''_ It's been awhile but he's finally remembering how beautiful this song is. So he sings with her. _''Stars fading, but I linger on, dear, still craving your kiss; I'm longing to linger till dawn, dear, just saying this....''_

It's their song, their closing credits, it's the way it should be and it's taken a long time but it feels nice to be here (finally!). This is (they know) their happy ending. No, she is not a Princess, no, he is not a Prince Charming, and no, they don't live in a Magical Kingdom, but it's a fairytale all the same.

_''Sweet dreams till sun beams find you, sweet dreams that leave our worries behind you; but in your dreams, whatever they be, dream a little dream of me....''_

And (like most fairytales) they all lived happily ever after.

* * *

_**Dean: **__You saved my life.  
__**Ruby: **__Don't mention it.  
_**-Supernatural, Malleus Maleficarum**

_**The End**_

* * *

**AN: I didn't cry. I didn't cry during any of it. And then I put that end quote in there and I started bawling. Sue me I'm weak. I'm going to post an Author's Note to go along with the story, asking for ideas for new Lila Bray stories and the soundtrack will be included in the note. So, I'll talk to you all later.**

**Hope everyone enjoyed the story!  
Don't forget to review!**


	19. author's note and soundtrack

**Author's Note and Soundtrack**

**-Well, it's official. 'A ghost of you...' has come to an end. I just want to say that this story has been so great for me; it's just been an awesome experience and a wonderful way for me to vent my feelings. The Story has been an emotional roller coaster for me and I often found myself laughing and crying with the characters like never before. (And I can't get that damned song out of my head!) For the first time in a long time, I actually put **_**myself**_** into the characters. Poured my heart and soul into their problems, you could say. I broke them apart and then picked up the pieces and put them together again. Not to mention I actually used some of me past issues to make the characters more.....**_**real.**_** Like Ruby, for a long time I dealt with the feeling that I was not Good Enough (got Daddy Issues like Dean) and much like her I didn't tell anyone. Unlike her, I didn't have someone like the crossroads demon to throw it in my face and unlike Ruby, I did not have someone like Dean to tell me otherwise, I dealt with my issues all on my own. I've lost people too (although....not in that way) and I've had grief and anger consume me, living for one person and one person only and just like Dean and Ruby both, I had to come out from dust and ashes (not literally) to find myself again. So, in a lot of ways this story has been a healing tool for me. Like I said: Me = Daddy Issues. Also, not to mention this is the first multi-chapter fic I've finished in.....well...ever. See, I have a tendency to come up with great ideas, bang out a few great chapters and then forget about the story and move onto another ''great idea''. I have focus problems...clearly. Hence the oneshots and unfinished stories (Playing Matchmaker, I'll Wake Up My Body, etc....) But with this story....I don't know why but it sucked me in and I just couldn't put it to bed. It gives me hope that someday (*crosses fingers*) I'll be able to complete my other In-Progress fics. Hopefully someday soon!**

**Anyways, I just wanted to thank you all so much for reading, reviewing, putting this story on your favorites lists, putting this story on alert....it all means so much to me. Which leads me to shout outs to deansbabygirl934, titanscave-95, tigerpryor, Mora Queen, maggierose17 and -Chevy95- who are the awesome reviewers for this story. And a special shout out to Mora Queen who wrote this beautiful poem for this story:**

_''I whisper words of sadness to you with all I left behind,  
__In your head you know I'm gone  
__We ran out of time  
__But in your heart, I will always linger  
__Forever and more''_

**Thank you Mora! It really is beautiful. I'm going to work it into another Lila Bray story. Perhaps a Lila Bray/Alexander story. Which brings me to my next point. While I would love to continue this series (I've invested more into this story than any other) I have way too many ideas swirling around in my head (I have this one idea for a fic in this 'verse about Dean and Ruby's relationship and what could have been had she not died) to pick just one. So, that is where you, dear fans, come in. If anyone has ANY ideas for another story in this 'verse just let me know (reviews, PM's....) and I will take a look.**

**Now, before I leave for a much needed vacation for three weeks (no posting during those three weeks, although I might be able to respond to reviews or PM's if I don't get a chance to before I leave) I am going to leave you all with the official (meaning ''official in my head'') 'A ghost of you....' soundtrack.**

**And here we go!**

**Track Number One: Ghost of You by Good Charlotte **_(Well, this song is on here for obvious reasons. The lyrics in the chorus are what inspired the title. ''A ghost of you is all that I have left, is all that I have left of you to hold....'' The entire song was going to be featured in the story when it was still a measly little oneshot, but the lyrics were removed when the story later turned into a multi-chapter.)_

**Track Number Two: Never Say Never by The Fray **_(On its own, a heartbreaking song that makes me want to cry every time I hear it. I always listen to it when I'm writing a sad story. For instance, I was listening to it when Ruby said goodbye to Bray in chapter six. The lyrics, I find, fit perfectly with Dean and Ruby's tragic, star crossed love; the singer's desperate plea of ''don't let me go'' echo in your head long after the music fades, inspiring Ruby's desperate plea of ''Dean, please, please don't let me go!'')_

**Track Number Three: Turn and Turn Again by All Thieves **_(''So turn and turn again, we are calling in all the ships, every traveler please come home and tell us all that you have seen. Break every lock to every door, return every gun to every drawer, so we can turn and turn again.'' Really, what more is there to say? I find the lyrics and melody were very haunting and fit in perfectly with the tone of the story.)_

**Track Number Four: It Ends Tonight by All American Rejects **_(Every bit of lyric in this song reminded me of the way Dean was feeling when he found out Blue lied to him and was in fact Ruby. ''The walls start breathing, my mind's unweaving, maybe it's best you leave me alone.'')_

**Track Number Five: Broken by Lifehouse **_(''I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing, with a broken heart that's still beating, in the pain, there is healing, in your name I find meaning, so I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm barely holdin' on to you.'' This sounds just like Dean's grief over losing Ruby and his struggle to be the best father be can be.)_

**Track Number Six: Show Me What I'm Looking For by Carolina Liar **_(''Don't let go, I've wanted this far too long.'' After years of looking for each other Dean and Ruby finally end up together and I think this song is a lighthearted break from all the depressing songs on the soundtrack.)_

**Track Number Seven: Gotta Be Somebody by Nickelback **_(Now, normally I can't stand this band. But this song....I heard it and I just had to put it on the soundtrack. '' 'Cause nobody wants to do it on their own and everyone wants to know they're not alone, there's somebody else that feels the same somewhere, there's gotta be somebody for me out there.'')_

**Track Number Eight: Say (All I Need) by OneRepublic **_(''Well, bless my soul, you're a lonely soul, 'cause you won't let go of anything you hold. Well, all I need is the air I breathe and a place to rest my head.'' I've been in love with this song for a long time now and I think it's just right for the story.)_

**Track Number Nine: Your Guardian Angel by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus **_(Okay, so maybe Ruby wasn't exactly an angel but it was clear she was looking out for her family, the man she loved, her daughter.... ''When I see your smile, the tears roll down my face I can't replace and now that I'm strong I have figured out how this world turns cold and it breaks through my soul.'')_

**Track Number Ten: Set Fire To The Third Bar by Snow Patrol **_(''I find the map and draw a straight line, over rivers, farms and state lines, the distance from 'A' to where you'd be.'' Well, this song is clearly about longing, two lovers who can't find their way to each other. Just like Dean and Ruby.)_

**Track Number Eleven: Only Hope by Mandy Moore **_(''There's a song that's inside of my soul, it's the one that I've tried to write over and over again, I'm awake in the infinite cold, but you sing to me over and over and over again.'' It may not be the song Dean and Ruby sing to each other but it sounds like a lullaby.)_

**Track Number Twelve: Hurt by Johnny Cash **_(In this story, Dean is very dark and grief consumed and when I heard this song, my mind immediately went to this story. ''If I could start again, a million miles away, I would keep myself, I would find away.'')_

**Track Number Thirteen: Dare You To Move by Switchfoot **_(''Between who you are and who you could be, between how it is and how it should be.'' In chapter eight, Dean thought about what it would have been like if Ruby was alive and how he dreamed of her. I thought this song kind of fit how he dreamt of having Ruby with him and then finally got Blue.)_

**Track Number Fourteen: Everything Burns by Ben Moody featuring Anastacia **_(''She sits in her corner singing herself to sleep, wrapped in all of the promises that no one seems to keep, she no longer cries to herself, no tears left to wash away, just diaries of empty pages, feelings gone astray; but she will sing.'' In the first few chapters it was Ruby's story. Her story of her pregnancy and how she tried to be a good mother all the while struggling with feelings that she wasn't good enough. This song just seemed so perfect to use for her struggle.)_

**Track Number Fifteen: We Are Broken by Paramore **_(''Keep me safe inside, your arms like towers, tower over me.'' Now, this song actually reminds me of the relationship between Sam and Ruby. When Dean died and she found out she was pregnant, all they had was each other. They really kept each other safe and alive.)_

**Track Number Sixteen: Out of this World by Bush **_(''When we die; we go into the arms of those who remember us.'' Actually, the tune of this song gives off almost a.....sexy vibe. And we all know Dean and Ruby's relationship is rooted in The Physical.)_

**Track Number Seventeen: I Don't Want to Miss a Thing by Aerosmith **_(This song was going to be THEIR song but I liked Dream a Little Dream of Me better. But this song just seemed to fit so I kept it in the soundtrack. ''I don't wanna close my eyes, I don't wanna fall asleep, 'cause I'd miss you, babe and I don't wanna miss a thing.'')_

**Track Number Eighteen: I Will Be by Leona Lewis **_(''I will be, all that you want and gather myself together 'cause you keep me from falling apart. All my life, I'll be with you forever to get you through the day and make everything okay.'' It just reminds me of all the struggles they went through to get to their happy ending.)_

**Track Number Nineteen: Dream a Little Dream of Me by The Mamas and the Papas **_(Say ''nighty-night'' and kiss me, just hold me tight and tell me you'll miss me; while I'm alone and blue as can be, dream a little dream of me....'' This song is on here for obvious reasons. It is THEIR song after all, their little lullaby.)_

**I think I've taken up enough of your time now. That was my AN, that was the soundtrack, this is me saying see ya later!**

**Love and Kisses,  
****Becks Rylynn**


End file.
